In the past, the ISB’s buildup to Valentine’s Day has tended to focus on comics’ more catastrophic romantic failures, like the supremely hated Terry Long. This, I think, says a lot more about me than it probably should, so this year, I thought we’d delve into the love life of the greatest lover in comics history.
That’s right, folks: It’s time once again for that four-color Casanova, that Don Juan of the DCU…
Mister James Bartholomew Olsen!
Yeah, I know. He might not seem like much in that shot, but take a look at his track record. Even if you don’t count his recurring failures with Lucy Lane (which we don’t, because Lucy Lane is a hateful bitch), Jimmy’s been romantically involved with three Legionnaires, a sinister heiress, two alien princesses, an undercover Gestapo agent, a Kandorian terrorist, and a Viking fembot. The guy’s like James Bond and Jim Kirk put together, and that’s just how he rolls in continuity! Imaginary stories, on the other hand, offer up a whole new wealth of possibilities.
And that’s what brings us to tonight’s tale of ahhhhhhhhROMANCE, a daring two-part novel of imaginary nuptuals that they just had to call…
Jimmy Olsen Marries Supergirl!
Originally offered up by Jerry Siegel, Curt Swan and Stan Kaye in 1961’s Jimmy Olsen #57–and conveniently reprinted along with a bunch of other gems in DC’s Greatest Imaginary Stories
Midvale Orphanage, of course, was the home of one Linda Danvers, alias Kara Zor-El, alias Supergirl, and yes, I realize that Jimmy Olsen cruising orphanages for teenage brides is, morally speaking, dubious at best. But come on, folks: Could you say no to this bit of Swansian hotness?
Yeah, I know. Still a little weird.
What’s even weirder is that Linda’s even there at the first place, since she’d already been adopted. But, as she tells Jimmy, “my parents are now abroad, on an important trip! They’ve arranged for me to stay here while they’re gone!”
So, just to go through that one more time, Linda’s parents went on vacation and left their adopted daughter at the orphanage. Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Danvers. You’re the worst parents ever.
So really, is it any wonder that their daughter falls for a dashing older man with a collection of super-trinkets and a fetching bowtie? I think not. What really seals the deal, however, is the shocking return of Silver Age Plot Device #47: Red Kryptonite.
…and of course, the Red K not only removes Linda’s super-powers, but completely obliterates her memory of even having them or being Supergirl.
Thus, without the baggage that comes with being a Kryptonian to hold her back, she sets off on a whirlwind romance worthy of the greatest issues of Charlton’s Love Diary:
Ah, young love!
Believe it or not, the actual courtship goes swimmingly, and when even Superman decides that reminding Kara that she has super-powers would interfere with her happiness, they decide–as per our title–to get married, and we all learn a valuable lesson:
Well, two lessons:
1. Even on the day of his best friend’s wedding, Superman can’t be bothered to get one of his robots to show up so that nobody figures out he’s actually Clark Kent, and…
2. Schadenfreude is so much better when it involves Lucy Lane.
Of course, as you might well know, people change once they get married. For some people, though…
…the change is a little more drastic than others.
So with that, Linda regains her memory, and decides that she can’t just come right out and tell Jimmy that she’s Supergirl–or, for that matter, that Supergirl even exists–without preparing him first. Thus, in an effort to spare the love of her life, she comes up with a plan that is in no way insane and manipulative:
Whoops, sorry, got my notes mixed up. I meant to say that her plan is completely insane and maniuplative. Clearly, she’s become a Kryptonian once more.
With her slightly sinister plot in mind, it’s not long before Jimmy proves once again that he has the attention span of a goldfish and gives her the opportunity to save him from dying while riding a lifelike replica of Superman.
Sadly, this also robs the world of the funniest celebrity obituary of 1961, but alas, sacrifices must be made.
Anyway, Supergirl uses the rescue as an excuse to recap her origin and start putting the moves on Jimmy, setting up a two-sided love triangle that gives us a glimpse at the rarely seen Pensive Jimmy:
Of course, Jimmy didn’t get to be the world-famous sidekick with an international fan-club and a membership in a team of future space teens by not being a stand-up guy, so even with Supergirl throwing herself at him at every turn, including during an episode where she “rescues” him from the shapely princess of an underground kingdom…
…he does the right thing, tells Supergirl that he’s very sorry, and then confesses the whole thing to Linda. Which, y’know, is exactly what she wanted anyway, so everything works out okay!
Doesn’t it just get you right here?
I’m most amazed that they’re married and he never once realized she was wearing a wig. For that matter, how did amnesiac Linda not realize she was wearing a wig? I love the silver age.
Frankly, I’m loving the stoned/drunk look on Jimmy’s face in the red kryptonite panel. It’s given me the mental imagery of a drunk in a bar vainly trying to show off the scar he got when his buddy lit his eyebrows on fire as a ‘war wound’.
I am amused that Mr. and Mrs. Jimmy Olsen sleep in twin beds that are actually *farther* separated than Batman and Robin did around this time.
“Jimmy’s kissing me! I’m so happy!”
Uh-huh, and just where is Jimmy’s other hand, with that dropped shoulder there!? *tsk* Teens today.
Alright, now who’s going to write the follow up “Woman of steel, Olsen of Tissue Paper?”
Princess of an underground kingdom my ass! That’s obviously the American Gladiator’s set. I mean, look at that red white and blue outfit.
I swear that’s Lois in front of them with some random man in the Tunnel of Love.
“Oh, Jimmy! Take me now, you likeable young stud!”
You know, seeing how the effects of red kryptonite only last 24 (or was it 48?) hours, how fast did they get married that Supergirl remembers her being Supergirl AFTER the wedding?
Separate. Beds.
Bless DC.
“However, it can only affect them ONCE”
So this means that there never has been and never will be any more Red-K vs. Kara stories? Joy!
Unless, of course, Jimmy is lying. Or DC is insane.
Lorne: IIRC exposure to one chunk of red k doesn’t make a kryptonian immune to all red kryptonite. She or he are just immune to that individual chunk. Thus Jimmy’s red k won’t do anything to Supes or Krypto anymore but if they run into a new peice they’ll feel the effects all over again.
Funny article, especially the list of Jimmy’s romances (although my favorite Olsen romantic interest is still the Luthor/Brainiac love child from the “Metropolis”)
“Woman of steel, Olsen of Tissue Paperâ€
I will never understand how a Kryptonian and a human are supposed to be able to make the Beast with Two Backs. Surely the human would be shattered like their skeleton was made of Lego after a few seconds.
Ah well. Still makes a hell of a lot more sense than red K.
So… they’re still married?
And Jimmy’s cheating on her with a bug monster?
“Surely the human would be shattered like their skeleton was made of Lego after a few seconds.”
Not if Jimmy is doing all the work. They don’t call him “Mr. Action” for nothing.
Luckily the red-k temorarily removed her powers because I have two words for you:
invulnerable hymen.
okay, being in the clutches of an orgasmic supergirl certainly conjures up disturbing images…
Forget James Bond or Jim Kirk…Jimmy is not my hero…what a stud!
What a minute? James…Jim…Jimmy! I think I see a pattern and the true secret on how to get women to fall for you!!
The panel with the unsafe Superman ride kills me.
Isn’t Casanove Quinn the four-color Casanova?
Red K ruffies. Works every time.
AWP!!
I wonder how many old men have a fetish for startled girls in capri pants.
Nah, Casanova‘s only printed in two.
ARRGh!!! Why do all the quality stories have to be imaginary ones?
And Chris, I know this is just your way of mocking One More Day another great imaginary marriage story.
Young ladies, this story shows you the secret to happiness is letting a young man show you his Red Kryptonite. Try it this weekend and ask for it by name.
Okay, I’ll say it.
Chris, any chance of getting a mention of Jimmy Olsen: Buglover, or are you just waiting until that wraps up in Countdown?
Between the “I LIKE TURTLES!” facial expression in the Red K panel and his behavior in the Unsafe Superman Ride panel, I now feel that all Silver Age Jimmy Olsen stories should show him wearing a helmet. You know, as an example to the children.
The “twin bed” panel would be enhanced with a thought balloon emanating from the sleeping Jimmy:
“No mas! No mas!”
Chris, any chance of getting a mention of Jimmy Olsen: Buglover, or are you just waiting until that wraps up in Countdown?
The what now? I quit reading Countdown lik five issues in.
Short short version: Jimmy Olsen, in the pages of Countdown, is now fucking the new Forager. Who is, lest we forget, a humanoid bug.
Hence: Jimmy Olsen, Bugfucker.
Huh.
Huh.
mightygodking Says:
Short short version: Jimmy Olsen, in the pages of Countdown, is now fucking the new Forager. Who is, lest we forget, a humanoid bug.
Hence: Jimmy Olsen, Bugfucker.
The Silver Age Lives Again!
The Supergirl/Jimmy Olsen romance has started in SMALLVILLE Episode 7 How Kara and Jimmy are close acquainted ? Her identity was Kara Kent in the new origin of Supergirl. She and Jimmy would’ve been called James and Linda Olsen. In the new era Jimmy and Kara would’ve been James and Kara Olsen.