Chris vs. Previews: February 2008, Round One

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Ah, February! When our thoughts turn once more to those of love! And what, I ask you, do we all love?

That’s right: That scene from Ong Bak where Tony Jaa kicks a guy in the face while his legs are on fire:

 

 

It’s like poetry. But better.

What’s that? Oh, right, right. Comics.

Of course, we all love those too, which is why I sit down to duke it out every month with the five hundred-page monstrosity of things that Should and Should Not Be, the Previews Catalog!

 

 

Tonight, the first half of the catalog is on the chopping block as I find out which titles are the bridesmaids and which are the brides in the major publishers. Let’s get to it!

 

 

Dark Horse Comics

P. 57 – Fluffy GN: At first glance, I was ready to write this one, which describes itself as the story of “a young rabbit with a human daddy named Michael” as the European knockoff of everyone’s favorite little stuffed bull, but when I got a little further into the solicitation and saw the bit about Michael’s “uncomfortable, uncertain romance” with Fluffy’s preschool teacher, it started to look like it might be a little more interesting than I previously thought.

And then I took a look at the preview pages:

 

 

Bunny or no bunny, that’s pretty hilarious, and when you add in the fact that the ad copy includes the phrase “Neither bunny nor man is truly prepared for the worldly excitement of a suspected kidnapping in Sicily”–which I’m pretty sure is the most exciting rabbit-related phrase since Beatrix Potter’s original script for Smokey and the Bandit 2–it starts to look promising indeed.

Now if only it wasn’t a hardcover.

 

DC Comics

 

P. 74 – Tangent: Superman’s Reign #2: Okay, look: I don’t normally think I’m one of those guys that grouses about DC Editorial all day, but just a reminder here of something Kevin pointed out to me the other day: DC Comics is willing to throw a chunk of cash and promotion into bringing back the Tangent Universe, but not to putting Hitman back into print.

Figure that one out, Genius Jones.

 

P. 81 – Superman #675: I like to think that I’ve been pretty clear about my opinion of Alex Ross over the past couple of years, but seriously, you guys:

 

 

From the veins on his left hand, I can only assume that in Ross’s idealized DC Universe, Superman has gained his power through a combination of Earth’s yellow sun and mainlining horse steroids. You could drive a damn Volkswagen through those things! Still, it does make me wonder what kind of beautiful world it would be if Superman’s inspirational speeches were delivered more like, say, The Ultimate Warrior’s.

 

P. 87 – Action Comics #864: Kevin Maguire, however…

 

 

…can draw the hell out of some Super-Hands.

 

P. 98 – Legion of Super-Heroes: 1,050 Years in the Future: Between twelve awesome Archives and a year spent prowling back issues, I own everything that’s reprinted in this one in some form or another, but I’m still planning on picking it up. After all, I’ve got a standing policy to grab any Legion issues that get collected, if only in the vain hopes that DC’ll see that they’re selling and correct the downright criminal fact that Great Darkness Saga‘s out of print.

Since it’s pretty likely that you guys don’t share my tilting-at-windmills purchase policies, allow me to assure you that this thing actually looks like a pretty good cross-section of Silver Age LOSH stories. There’s the mandatory first appearance, the death and subsequent resurrection of Lightning Lad, an appearance by the Legion of Super-Villains, and, of course, the first appearance of Calorie Queen, along with a couple of stories from the post-reboot era. Sadly, both Bizarro Computo and the Weirdo Legionnaire were snubbed yet again, but someday, fellas. Someday.

 

Batman: The Joker’s Last Laugh TP: Oh, the folly of youth!

Back in 2001, when I was certainly old enough to know better but still flush with money from my inheritance, I thought it might be a good idea to sign up for every single tie-in of Joker: Last Laugh. This, for those of you who weren’t neck-deep in fifth week events back then, amounted to every single DC Comic published that month with the exception of the Legion of Super-Heroes. To be fair, this was the first exposure I’d had to stuff like Walt Simonson’s Orion, but by and large, I can say with authority that Last Laugh was not very good.

Here’s the weird thing, though: Even with a “Jokerized” female version of Azrael knocking around my collection, it still wasn’t bad enough to teach me the lesson that I’d eventually learn from Our Worlds at War and, to a much lesser extent, the actually pretty decent Bruce Wayne: Murderer? And you guys wonder why Tarot doesn’t bother me that much.

 

P. 101 – All Star Batman and Robin, the Boy Wonder Vol. 1 HC: So let me get this straight: You’ve had the three years that it’s taken to get nine issues worth of All Star Batman out to come up with some decent pullquotes, and you go with tired old media outlets like Entertainment Weekly and USA Today? Really? Come on, DC Marketing Department! You guys can do better than that!

Here, I’ll get you started with an actual quote from my friend and yours, the Internet’s Mike Sterling:

“All Star Batman is itself the pinnacle of comic book excellence. Anything being equivalent to two or more ASBs is only theoretical, and quite impossible given our current level of comic book technology.”

Now that’s marketable.

 

Image Comics

 

Aqua Leung v.1: You know, it took me until just now to realize that this one’s written by Mark Andrew Smith, more popularly known as the writer of The Amazing Joy Buzzards, the greatest crime-fighting rock band with a mythical luchadore sidekick in comics history.

Sadly, this derails my whole plan for writing a joke here about how I’d be more excited if this was two-fisted comics adaptation of the works of Jethro Tull–which is also the way I feel about Wildstorm’s Number of the Beast-becaus now, I really, really want to read it.

 

Marvel Comics

 

P.6 – Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter: Guilty Pleasures #10: Hey everybody, it’s Phillip! And this time, he’s drawn by Ron Lim, artist of the best Marvel crossover ever!

 

 

Oh Ron.

Oh Ron, Ron, Ron. What the hell happened here?

 

P. 26 – Fantastic Four #556: And now, the Thing’s face when he realized Bryan Hitch makes him look exactly like a penis with teeth:

 

 

P. 33 – Iron Man: Legacy of Doom #1: Those of you who read through last week’s Chris vs. Previews might recall that I spoke with great fondness of the big Iron Man vs. Dr. Doom stories collected in the Doomquest hardcover—Iron Man #149-150 and the sequel in #249-250–but to be honest, I wasn’t aware that it was a trilogy that required completion.

Still, that’s not gonna stop me from being pretty excited about this one, especially given that, from the look of the preview pages in here, it appears to be the story of Iron Man and Dr. Doom fighting the Devil in outer spaaaaace, and that’s about as awesome as it–

Hang on. What’s this? Art and cover by Ron Lim?! All right! Welcome back, Ron. I knew you still had it in you.

 

P. 37 – Marvel Adventures Iron Man #12: And speaking of Iron Man, check out Shellhead’s new armor, designed specifically for dealing out high fives to the Marvel Universe’s most radical dudes!

 

 

The Marvel Legends version, of course, will be out by this summer.

 

P. 41 – Secret Invasion #1: Don’t care.

 

P. 61 – X-Factor #30: This, however, I’m excited about:

 

 

I may have mentioned this before, but when I was a kid, I got a pocket-sized paperback reprint of the Claremont/Byrne classic where the X-Men have to fight their way through Murderworld, and man. I read that thing ’til the spine wore out, and along with Batman throwing the car battery and Amazing Spider-Man #33, it’s probably one of the ones that ensured I’ll be reading comics ’til the day I die. Thus, I love Arcade. He’s got such a great hook. He’s one of the most woefully underused villains in comics,
and since he hasn’t been seen since the fantastic story in Dan Slott’s The Thing, I think it’s about time he came back.

Plus, you want to see creepy, blow that Glenn Fabry cover up to life-size in Photoshop and look him right in the eyes. Gave me the jibblies.

 

 

And that makes the majors! If anything caught your eye–like the upcoming Thor one-shot by ISB favorite Matt Fraction that promises to contain more hammer-based ass-kicking than the character’s seen all year–feel free to let me know about it in the comments section below.

And tomorrow night, be here for Round Two, when the ISB takes on the small press and the merchandise! And while I hate to disappoint, I’ve got to confess that there won’t be any content lifted from Previews Adult this time around.

But really, after Young Lusty Sluts, do you really need anything else?

54 thoughts on “Chris vs. Previews: February 2008, Round One”

  6. I was about to write this whole screed about my wanting DC to put “The Golden Age” back in print, but I thought I’d check first…and it IS! It IS in print! And I remembered to use the Amazon link here on the site to go get it! This is the best 3 a.m. ever!

  7. I’d be more excited by the return of Arcade if it was in New Warriors. And it was being written by Peter David or Dwayne McDuffie. Because then I wouldn’t be ashamed about buying it. PLUS: Arcade vs. the Warriors. I mean they’re crashing in his pad! Perfect conflict hook!

  10. Uh, Lurker, it is being written by Peter David. Look at the characters on the cards: all Peter David’s peeps.

  11. “Kevin Maguire, however, can draw the hell out of some Super-Hands”.

    Well, sure, the hands look okay but I’m not so sure about the rest. I loves me some Maguire art, and he does draw some of the best women, but Superman’s face on that cover just looks… wrong.

    Regarding X-Factor: that’s Arcade?!? What happened to his spotty bowtie? His white suit? And why the slicked-back hair (at least it’s red)?

  12. They’re coming out with an All-Star Batman collection? Oh thank GOD. Just last March I was saying how I would buy the shit out of it even if they had only produced like 6 issues so far. I don’t know if DC is reading my LJ or just my mind, but that is FREAKIN AWESOME.

    I do feel kind of guilty supporting Miller’s insanity, but the alternative is shoplifting and I’m not quite that deranged yet.

  14. It’s always refreshing to see that not everyone loves Alex Ross. I was honestly starting to think it was just me.

    Has anyone else ever seen the photos he takes of himself in super-hero costumes for “reference”?

    No more need be said.

  15. Fluffy is amazing. I picked up the individual issues when I was in London a couple years ago and was blown away, not simply because it’s about a little fuzzy animal living with his human pal, but Simone Lia’s artwork is simply wonderful.

  16. I WILL LEAP

    TO THE TOP

    OF THE HIGHEST BUILDING

    LEX

    LU

    THOR

    JUMP ONTO THE BACK

    OF YOUR SUPER-SUIT

    TAKE THE CONTROLS

    LEX

    LU

    THOR

    SET A COURSE

    FOR THE DAILY PLANET

    GLOBE

    LEX

    LU

    THOR

  17. it still wasn’t bad enough to teach me the lesson that I’d eventually learn from Our Worlds at War

    Two things

    1. Our Worlds at War predated Last Laugh by a month, I think.

    2. Last Laugh is much, MUCH worse. There is NO plot, no characters, Shilo Norman was a jailer?, and, lest we forget, Jokerized ORCA.

  18. For some reason the Ong Bak reference made me wonder: have you ever seen the Bollywood movie Sholay? It features (SPOILER) an armless man kicking the villain to death, wire fu style. Therefore, I think you would like it.

  20. Am I alone in saying I think a Jokerized killer whale should, by all accounts, be awesome? How could something like that be made of so much fail?

  21. Am I alone in saying I think a Jokerized killer whale should, by all accounts, be awesome? How could something like that be made of so much fail?

    ‘Cause it’s not a jokerized killer whale. It’s a jokerized Orca.

    Jokerized Orca.

    JOKERIZED. ORCA.

  23. I think the Jokerized Orca is not an instance of a cetacean with a rictus grin, but this super-villian with a dose of Joker venom.

    Lame-ass Villain + Lame-ass Crossover = Super Double Plus Lameness.

  24. #21 – “Hey, where’s the zombie version of that Skrull cover?”

    Ooofff… Talk about rotting on the vine. That whole zombie thing was funny for maybe two panels. And those involved the blob running.

    Here’s something that Marvel did quickly bury. Remember the Mind Gem that is the hands of am Illuminati member? Marvel sure did, and that’s most likely why it’s keeper had to be removed from the board. Otherwise, the Super Secret Skrull Invasion would have been over faster than you can say “All Secret Skrull invaders go catatonic.”

  25. That wasn’t just Tony Jaa kicking a guy with his legs on fire… it was Tony Jaa doing a 720° with his legs on fire and then kicking a guy with his legs on fire and landing on his feet which are STILL ON FIRE.

    That is the sound of my brain rebooting in safe mode.

  27. Ok, just gotta know. Why the imediate hate towards Secret Invasion? I think the the creative team behind it is enough for it to show at least a little promise. So why don’t you care at all?

  29. Uh, Lurker, it is being written by Peter David. Look at the characters on the cards: all Peter David’s peeps.

    No, I know that David writes X-Factor. I meant, I wish he was the writer on New Warriors. Honestly there are probably dozens of writers I’d rather were on NW than the hack who wrote Underworld…

    And I have to agree with Sims’ reason for why Secret Invasion will be full of suck. Man, and I used to like that guy…

  30. I think it was Bendis who said that video games were for pedophiles. If it wasn’t him, maybe it was Millar. Either way, Bendis is also a terrible, terrible liar.

  31. Bendis may be a lot of things but a terrible writer, not so much. A writer not too your tastes maybe but you read Anita Blake so…

  32. ARCADE! He’s worth the all caps. Man, I’ve missed that guy. Murderworld is seriously one of the most amusing comic book things ever. I actually pumped my fist in the air with glee when I learned there was a Murderworld level in Marvel Ultimate Alliance. Him killing X-Factor ought to be a hoot. I was waffling on keeping the book after what happened during this Messiah Complex malarkey but Arcade? He’s keeping me reading.

    (And while I love you so much for spreading the word of Ong-Bak’s Kicking Legs On Fire, I simultaneously hate you so much for pointing out that Thing Penis Head panel and runing the Thing forever.)

  33. Thank you for mentioning Fluffy! I read the whole thing in trade form while visiting London last year, and have since tried to find it in several comic book stores, to no avail. And just so you know, if comic book store owners were not patronizing enough to female customers already, the fact that I was asking about a comic about a talking bunny named “Fluffy” didn’t help much!

  34. While I too think Arcade will rock some ass, why is he being played by the villain kid from the Incredibles?

  35. 499 pages of meaningless trivia, and THIS:

    “upcoming Thor one-shot by ISB favorite Matt Fraction”

    Although Arcade in X-Factor is also fairly significant.

  36. That Thing/Penis joke almost made me choke. I love me a good penis joke.

    Chris, I too have that pocket sized Arcade/X-Men story on my book shelf. I am really looking forward to that X-Factor book.

  37. Actually, those veins in Superman’s hands are from spanking his super-monkey — and I don’t mean Bepo.

    Bendis used to be a good writer, but he pretty much turned to shit around the time of Avengers Disassembled IMHO.

  38. While I too think Arcade will rock some ass, why is he being played by the villain kid from the Incredibles?

    Where do you think the Incredibles villain got the look from? ARCADE!

    And he finally has a good HeroClix figure too. Though… well, one nice thing about Secret Invasion is that it won’t have The. GODDAMNED. THOUGHT. BUBBLES. EVERWHERE! Seriously, Bendis, if you read this (doubtful), GET RID OF THE ******* ********** *************** THOUGHT BUBBLES IN MIGHTY AVENGERS. IT IS NOT CLEVER! IT IS ANNOYING!

    Oh, and also, Bendis? Ares is a God of War. He’s not some teenage jock. Please write him accordingly. Thanks.

    (Man, it felt good to vent about that.)

  39. Y’know, I personally think Bendis has his great moments, but I think one indicator of the long term greatness of a comic writer is their original characters. I know that that’s a different proposition in these creator-owned days than it used to be (and don’t get me wrong: I like Powers fine), but I think its legitimate to ask: What has Bendis added to the MU? Ultimate Geldoff? SHIELD Agent Daisy Johnson? I guess Jessica Jones, but does she even have the staying power of like, Longshot?

  40. Bendis may be a lot of things but a terrible writer, not so much. A writer not too your tastes maybe but you read Anita Blake so…

    I hate to do this in a post where I invited people to share their opinions, but, well, you’re wrong.

    I know, I know. Everyone’s entitled, et cetera, and I bought into it back around the turn of the century like everyone, and I’ll agree that Torso is still a darn fine read after all these years, but the man’s recent output is completely without merit.

    I’ll give him one thing: He has good ideas. A mass super-villain breakout that sparks the formation of a new team of Avengers? Sounds great. Explaining why these guys with fantastic technology like ice-guns and stilt-suits spend their time knocking over banks? Sure, that could work. Super-hero homicide detectives? Right on. Daredevil sitting in a fucking basement for six issues talking about a devil baby?

    Well, that was godawful. But the point is that more often than not, it’s the execution that makes things so shitty. The cutesy repetitive dialogue that tries to ape normal conversation and just comes off as lazy. The drawn-out story arcs where nothing happens for pages at a time, in a medium so inherently dynamic that you actually have to work to make something boring. The lazy shorthand of trying to make characters “badass” by punking out other characters, forcing an opinion rather than building it naturally, and yes, I do mean Spider-Woman. The absolutely incomprehensible plots that are designed to be “mysterious” and instead come off as murky and unreadable. The fact that the series that rocketed him to fame features characters that never actually do their job, just standing around while the plots peter out and waiting for the next laughably self-indulgent monkey-fucking issue.

    He’s the definition of a writer who found a trick, stuck with it, and then squandered any potential he had on lazy hackery and self-indulgence.

    And then he wrote a scene where Wolverine yelled “STOP RAPING ME” three times, and for some reason, people kept reading his comics after that. The mind boggles.

  41. You know, we give a lot of s**t to the DiDio / Meltzer era, and it’s plenty deserved, but it’s good to remember that that era was immediately preceded by one that was barren on almost a line-wide basis– with Last Laugh and OWAW as exhibits A and B.

  43. Holy crap, that Warrior video is the greatest thing ever.

    Funny thing, I understand everything he says, I feel the Warrior!!!

    And the interviewees just don’t get what he was doing. It flew over their heads. Best part? Nose dive, getting run over by lawnmowers….lol brilliant.

  44. Yeah, Bendis is like latter-day (post-Jack Kirby) Stan Lee. Great ideas, bad execution.

    The only difference is that even good ol’ Stan knew that you had to have something happen each issue so fans didn’t tune out. Imagine the Galactus Saga by Bendis….basically The Watcher and Galactus standing around talking while Reed tries to get their attention for six issues.

  47. Ultimate Spider-Man is still good. everything else Bendis has been doing, though? not so much.

  48. I think Tim C’s point is a great one. I remember all the hype when Bendis was introducing an original villain for the first time in USM, somewhere past issue #40, and all I could think was “It took him over 40 issues to come up with an original idea and people are excited about it?” The guy is ridiculously overrated.

  49. So, is Secret Invasion Marvel’s method of reviving Steve Rogers? I.e., Dead Cap was a Skrull, and the real one’s brainwashed into thinking he’s a barista in Spokane?

    Talk about the tail wagging the dog.

    I suspect you didn’t hear it here first, folks…

  50. Well, that wouldn’t really make sense, since we saw Cap’s body in Captain America, and a Skrull would’ve reverted back to its natural shape after death.

    Then again, Brian Bendis, Marvel “events,” and “making sense” have never been friends.

  51. Arcade should stick to his original look, back when he was a dead wringer for Tucker Carlson.

  52. Not to be an annoying, nitpicking nerd (Too late!), but you misspelled “Khan” as “Kahn” in the Iron Man: Legacy of Doom #1 cover alt-text. Unless you really were referring to the posthumous revenge of Madeleine Kahn against the cruel world that didn’t give her comedic genius as much adoration at it deserved, in which case I withdraw my comment.

  53. As has been mentioned at least once already, Our Worlds at War preceded Last Laugh. In fact, it directly preceded it. Like, one month was OWAW part 3, the next month was Last Laugh tie-in.

    I bought every issue that OWAW tied into; I bought the Last Laugh miniseries (and it happened to tie into every title I was reading, though I didn’t go out and buy any extra). It is because of this confluence of events that I labored under the illusion that OWAW was a decent story for some time. Last Laugh makes anything look better.

    On the plus side, there were a couple of good stories in the crossover…Superman #175 (the definitive last Doomsday story, even though it technically wasn’t), the Action Comics tie-in where Kyle Rayner gets Jokerized, and the Superboy tie-in where the Creeper gets Jokerized…and becomes the Grim Creeper, a deadly serious villain incapable of humor. That issue featured Perry White and Jimmy Olsen in drag dancing on a desk.

    So, you know, it was a mixed bag of a crossover, inasmuch as a bag of steaming poo is a ‘mixed bag’ if someone tosses a couple of jellybeans in there.

  54. “So, you know, it was a mixed bag of a crossover, inasmuch as a bag of steaming poo is a ‘mixed bag’ if someone tosses a couple of jellybeans in there.”

    Yes, I think I’ll be stealing that. Thank you.