Tonight, the ISB takes on the back half of Previews for the small press and the merch, but believe it or not, there’s actually not much that caught my eye, a fact that I assure you has nothing to do with my desire to finish up the blog and go play more Grand Theft Auto.

Even the normally bizarre apparel section is relatively tame, although Marvel’s new shirt names continue to amaze and perplex. I mean, really: Am I crazy…

 

 

…or is this a Venom t-shirt that’s named after a brand of pantyhose? And come on, what does “Hulken Spotten-M” even mean?

Maybe it’s a little of both, but intense therapy’s going to have to wait until after I slug it out with the next round! Let’s see what we’ve got here…

 

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Comics

 

P.216 – Archie #587: Okay, folks, I fully realize that unless they’re belting out Britpop, I’m the only one around here who actually cares about Archie comics, but to be honest, this is the one comic in the entire catalog that I’m most excited about.

Why? Because with this issue, Archie kicks off a four-part series called “Freshman Year” that shows what Archie and the gang were like in their first year of high school. Yes, you read that right: It’s the secret origin of Archie. It is Archie: Year One, and that means that there’s the small yet distinct possibility that Archie’s going to be using lines like “I come in close on Reggie–throw him a growl I’ve brought all the way from Africa–and suddenly everything falls to pieces” or “Stupid Freshman. Stupid, lucky Freshman.”

But why should you be excited about it? Because “Freshman Year” is being written by Batton Lash, who you might remember as the creator of Supernatural Law or the writer of a little thing called…

 

 

The Punisher Meets Archie!

 

And really, if you’ve read that book, then you’ll know that it’s not only one of the best Punisher stories of all time–seriously–but it’s also one of the best Archie stories of all time, with an attention to detail and a love of the characters that comes through on every page. Plus, The Man From R.I.V.E.R.D.A.L.E. Seriously.

 

P.300 – Tales Designed To Thrizzle #4: Normally, I try to stay away from just writing up the stuff I’m going to order unless it’s a special event–considering that I make a list of everything I buy every week anyway–but when Michael Kupperman drops a new issue of Thrizzle, it’s always a special event. And the other issues are offered again too–which is nice, because I never got the copy of #1 I ordered the last time they offered them–so if you’ve never experienced the work of one of the funniest guys in comics, do yourself a favor and jump on.

Otherwise, you’re going to be missing jokes like this, from a list of Dick Tracy’s most forgotten foes:

 

 

P.330 – Apocalipstix: And speaking of books that were supposed to have come out already, we have this one, which was originally solicited a full year ago. Apparently, July’s the month for housecleaning around the diamond offices. Actually, come to think of it, Sharknife v.2 was solicited in that same issue. How odd.

Anyway, here’s what I said about it last year: “What really caught my eye here, though, was Apocalipstix, by Ray Fawkes and the totally awesome Cameron Stewart, which looks to be something along the lines of Josie and the Pussycats meets The Road Warrior. And really, there’s nothing about that sentence that I don’t think is awesome.” I agree, Chris ’07! You’re so smart!

 

Merchandise

 

P.486 – Balrog Wall Mount: Rather than throw my own hat in the ring with this one, I’ll just direct you to Dave Lartigue, and the best possible joke that could’ve been made about this monstrosity.

 

P.528 – Dark Knight Logo Metal Keychains: And now, Chris’s Invincible Craft Corner! Gather up the kids for a simple, awesome activity that you can do at home, and prepare to have your minds blown:

Step One: Get two of these Batman keychains:

 

 

Step Two: Link the rings together.

Step Three: YOU NOW HAVE BATARANGCHUKS.

 

P.568 – Machine Girl DVD: I can’t imagine that there’s anyone reading this who hasn’t already seen the trailer for Machine Girl, which was online for about thirty seconds before I started getting emails from people telling me that the story of a Japanese Schoolgirl with a gatling gun for an arm out for revenge on the Yakuza Ninjas who killed her family was probably the Chris Simsiest Thing That Ever Was.

Where you guys got that impression, I have no idea, but rest assured that I’ll be grabbing this thing the moment it comes out. Drill Bra, people. Drill Bra.

 

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And on that note, we’re pretty much done here! As always, if you have any comments, or you just feel like telling me I’m wrong about something–which, you know, I’m not–feel free to drop a line in the comments section below. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go take out a very healthy accidental eye-gouging insurance policy before my Batarangchuks get here.

After that, though… Look out, Crime!