Thirty-Four Seconds

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That’s how long I lasted into annotating the trailer for Marmaduke, the big screen adaptation of the newspaper comic that has never once been good.

It is almost unspeakably awful, but these sort of things need to be confronted so that we can overcome them. So click, watch, and weep uncontrollably, won’t you?

34 thoughts on “Thirty-Four Seconds”

  2. if you REALLY only did make it half a minute into this thing you missed the big dance number at the end. The dance number involving dogs. All dogs. Singing and dancing. Boy, I wish I was kidding about that.

  3. It’s like the unholy offspring of the Garfield movies and Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

  4. Good lord.

    What gets me is… so help me, I actually kinda LIKE “Marmaduke.” Yes, yes, the panel comic has one joke, repeated over and over: “That Marmaduke sure is a big dog!”

    But, dammit, Marmaduke IS a big dog, and big dogs ARE funny! Yet this movie… if more people respected Marmaduke, Marma-fans would never stand for the outrageous way this movie violates one of the core aspects of Marmaduke – the dog DOES NOT TALK! EVER!

  8. Quick, post the Scott Pilgrim trailer!!!

    BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE OMG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  10. Having made it through the whole thing, I will say there was 1 thing that was mildly amusing – the dog that spoke gopher. Presumably that’s the high point of the film.

  12. While the CA comments section provided forewarning about the dancing dogs at the end, I still got more and more shellshocked as the dance scene just went on … and on … and on …

    And then the nightmarish scenario that this is what they think is the selling point of the movie settled in.

    Not even my crush on Lee Pace could make me see this.

  15. Shortly after this I watched the red-band trailer for “Serbian Film”, which is basically a foreign torture porn attempt where an ex-porn star needs money and makes a film for an insane director who has him do truly unspeakable and violent things.

    I think this made me feel worse.

  16. At least I could feel good about the Garfield movies knowing that Bill Murray was getting an easy payday. While I like Owen Wilson well enough he hasn’t earned the right to do shit voice overs for easy paydays.

  19. How the hell did they manage to sell that crap well enough that people like Keifer Sutherland and William H Macy thought that they needed to do it? Keifer Sutherland isn’t desperate for work, for God’s sake! Fergie? Surely she’s not that short of a dollar, is she?

  20. I needed to make this poster. Thanks, Chris. I miss Digby, don’t you?

    Seriously, though, the bottom of the comic strip barrel? Has to be Mallard Fillmore. If that ever becomes a movie, then we’ll be in bigger trouble than with Marmaduke.

  22. Michael Caine was once being interviewed, and the interviewer asked him about the fact that he’s a famous actor who’s been really good in a bunch of stuff, and then he’s been in some complete trash. And Caine got really frosty and responded, ‘Well, you see, unlike some people, I work for a living.’

    I’m prepared to believe that William H. Macy does, in fact, need a paycheck. If not immediately, then he’s foresighted enough to see the need for one coming up.

  24. I think some actors are also under obligation by the studios to do those crap movies before they’re able to take on more serious projects that they’d want to do.

    Even so, how does any studio think this is a good idea? Every film doesn’t need to be the Godfather, but are people really THAT dumb to watch this crap?

  25. As the 24 gravy train is about to peter out, I think Keifer probably does need the money.

  27. I don’t understand the hate. We live in a world in which The Squeakuel grossed nearly half a billion dollars, while Watchmen took in less than 200 million. You’re like Bruno Kirby in Good Morning Vietnam, insisting that his crap is appreciated by the vast silent majority, while insisting that Adrian Cronauer’s stuff was unwanted. Now, I’m not gonna see this because it’s not my taste. But that doesn’t make it unspeakably awful. I leave that for Scott Pilgrim. Bazinga.

  30. I live to serve, Master Sims. Now, just picture me looking depressed while eating fried ice cream or something, and that’s about the feeling I get when I see what can only be described as this hipster hate. Yeah, your online persona is edgy and cool, gotcha.

  32. Ryard, I can’t speak for Chris, but personally I can’t begin to tell if I ought to react to your comments with hipster hate or not. I don’t understand what you were trying to say at all.

    In lieu of depression, please consider rephrasing your initial comment.

  33. Tomorrow I will use “Bazinga” completely irony-free just to show that it’s possible to genuinely love or hate something

  34. I wonder about anyone who reads this site and thinks that Sims is capable of doing anything ironically, much less hate.

    That’s like reading a Grant Morrison comic and coming away from it thinking that the guy doesn’t like super-heroes.