Hello, and thank you for contacting the Will Magnus Institute of Super-Science, the world’s foremost source for information on Shrink, Freeze, Death, and other assorted rays. We at the Institute are dedicated to providing you with the advice you need to deal with the problems you face in the fast-paced and exciting world of sentient computers and gurgling chemical monstrosities, and we understand that each problem is unique. Please be advised that for an additional fee, a solution can be delivered via Cosmic Treadmill before your problem arises.
PROBLEM: Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t bother to contact your organization, since Magnus is a third-rate roboticist who had one–one–good idea in his entire career, but a problem seems to have arisen with my mechano-man.
Due to an unforseen flaw in his design–which I assure you is far more durable than your silly “elementobots” or whatever it is you’re calling them these days–an old foe of mine has been able to use radio waves to override his command circuits, and now…
And to make matters worse, said foe has attached what appears to be a Colecovision controller to a small explosive charge just below my automaton’s brain, dipped him in lead to prevent me from regaining control with my own radio signal, and forced him to dig for lost Sumerian treasure.
Clearly, the situation has me vexed.
So much so, in fact, that I’m willing to consider the advice from the technological marvel who thought giving the Periodic Table breasts and a nurse’s cap was the culmination of his life’s work rather than a weekend diversion.
Dr. Niles Caulder, Midway City
SOLUTION: Always a pleasure to hear from you, Niles! Apologies for not responding sooner, but I was enjoying my afternoon walk when your letter arrived. Ah, the simple pleasure of walking. Such an incredible joy.
Regardless, the solution to your dilemma presents itself in a fairly obvious manner when one is not distracted by the maintenance of a truly ludicrous beard. How was Burning Man this year, “Chief?”
Still, one cannot fault you for missing such a straightforward solution, as it, like so many other things you have a hard time understanding, involves a woman. Simply arm that lovely actress of yours and dispatch her to the problem area to separate enemy from control switch.
Should this fail–and let’s be honest here, Niles, given your track record, it will–then it should at least distract your opponent long enough for you to ready something to intercept the detonation signal before it reaches your Robot-Man. Ideally, such an operation would be performed with a more reliable agent, like the Magnus Industries Hg-9000–the only robot that remains liquid at room temperature–but given your reliance on substandard parts that tend to tend to burn out after the first minute, I suppose your creatively named “Negative Man” would work almost as well.
Problem solved. And do give Rita my number, won’t you?
More simple solutions to complex problems can be found in The Doom Patrol Archives v.1, wherein Robotman is destroyed at a rate of once every eight or so pages.