It’s Summertime, and in the immortal words of the Fresh Prince, that means that it’s time for little something to break the monotony. And what better way to break the monotony than with another 500+ pages of crap you don’t need from the pages of Previews?
Yes, it’s that time again, and tonight, the ISB goes toe-to-toe with the major publishers to sort out what you need from… well, from statues of naked cow ladies, mostly, but we won’t be running into those until tomorrow. Now let’s get to it!
Dark Horse Comics
P.30 – Empowered v.4: Saints be praised!
Probably the best news in this month’s Previews–or in this month’s anything, for that matter–is that Adam Warren’s returning with another volume of his immensely enjoyable bondage-prone super-heroine. And apparently, this one’ll feature a color story, too.
I’ve already gone on at length about my love for Empowered
I mean, I can get Livewires
P.57 – MySpace Dark Horse Presents #11: Despite the fact that there’s been some stuff on there that I’ve been excited about, I haven’t actually checked out MySpace Dark Horse Presents in the year that it’s been around, instead opting to wait for the trade and check it out then. And yes, I realized as I typed that that I was essentially saying “Rather than read this stuff for free, I waited a year so that I could pay for it.” Sometimes, I mystify even myself.
Regardless, I’ve finally gotten enough motivation to check it out thanks to the fact that this month, DHP went all-Robert E. Howard on us. There’s a new Conan story by Tim Truman, a Solomon Kane tale and a new story of “bare-knuckle boxing seaman Sailor Steve Costigan,” which just sounds awesome. The big draw for me, though, is that there’s a new Two-Gun Bob adventure by Jim and Ruth Keegan, and true to form, it’s great.
Here, have a look:
The rest of it’s up, along with the other stories and completely free, at the DHP website, and seriously, it’s almost good enough to make me forget that MySpace tried to convert me to Scientology with a Google Ad.
DC Comics
P. 67 – Final Crisis: Superman Beyond #1: I give DC’s marketing department a lot of grief for their solicitations–the reasons for which will become abundantly clear in about seventeen pages–but every now and then, they do one that actually gets me pretty excited, and this is one of those:
Writer Grant Morrison and artist Doug Mahnke take you on an unforgettable, hyperdelic journey from the streets of Metropolis, through the 52 worlds of the multiverse, to the haunted court of hte King of Limbo in part one of this 2-issue Superman adventure!
With a unique 3-D section, eye-popping visuals and mind-boggling glimpses into the mysteries behind FINAL CRISIS, SUPERMAN BEYOND takes the Man of Tomorrow to new dimensions of action and excitement! This issue comes with a pair of 3-D glasses!
Putting the fact that the inclusion of 3D glasses warrants its own exclamation point aside for the moment, I’ve just got to say… “Hyperdelic?” You’re telling me this thing is going to be so awesome that you had to make up a word to describe it?! SOLD!
P. 68 – Final Crisis #1: Training Wheels Edition: Because seriously, if you don’t know who Dan Turpin is, that’s your own Goddamn fault.
P.81 – All Star Superman #12: In 2008, Princeton University defines “awesome” as “inspiring awe, wonder or admiration.” In 2009, they will describe it thus:
And all will be right with the world.
P.85 – The Brave and the Bold #16: So remember like thirty seconds ago when I was talking about how I badmouth DC’s marketing department? Solicitations like this, which I will now present in its totality, would be why:
“Superman and Catwoman–together at last?! This team clearly won’t be held together with super-glue!”
Dear DC Marketing Department,
What the fuck does that mean?!
P. 91 – DC Comics Goes Ape TP: One day, if everything goes well, I’ll be an old man, and in addition to sitting around on a rocking chair swearing like a sailor and listening to NWA
“You kids today don’t know how good you have it! Time was there weren’t no trade paperbacks collecting stories about the Mod Gorilla Boss! You wanted to read stories about Space-Gorillas, you went to a convention and gave a loud French-Canadian five bucks to do it! An’ weren’t no Art Adams covers on ’em, neither… We had Wayne Boring and by God, we liked it!”
And as ever, the proper response will be “Whatever, grandpa.”
p.103 – Authority / Gen 13 / StormWatch PHD / Wildcats: World’s End #1: And with this, DC officially gives up on ever getting a third issue of The Authority (or a second issue of Wildcats) out of Grant Morrison. And to be honest, I don’t particularly mind: Christos Gage is one of my favorite writers right now, and it’s obvious that he has fun when he’s working with the Wildstorm characters, for whom I still hold a lot of very, very misplaced nostalgia.
P. 130 – Watchmen Movie Merchandise: That sound you hear? That distant rumbling as of thunder? That would be the Egyptian Serpent God rising from beneath Northampton on a dread mission of cosmic vengeance at the behest of Morlun the Mystic. The streets are afire with resurrection, DC Direct!
Image Comics
P. 145 – Guerillas: So, this would be the story about the United States Army using monkey soldiers in Vietnam.
Now, we here at the ISB tend to enjoy comics that put monkeys and apes in situations in which one does not generally find them, but the way I see it, this can go one of two ways. First option: Brahm Revel plays it (every which way but) loose and makes this a comedy, which, seeing as it’s about monkeys, is generally a safe bet, albeit a pretty ballsy one in this case. After all, there’s a pretty strong stigma associated with the Vietnam War, but to be fair (and I assure you that I don’t mean this dismissively), the horrors of that war are no worse than the horrors of World War II, and it’s no fresher to us today than WWII was when the Primate Patrol showed up in the pages of Weird War Tales.
Second option, Revel tries to play it off as serious (which was my fear with Helen Killer), which would be far more challenging and probably backfire because… well, because this is a comic about monkeys with guns. That’s why.
Marvel Comics
P. 10 – Amazing Spider-Man #568: Kicking off this month’s Spidey-Heavy Marvel Section, I’ve gotta level with you guys:
On the surface, Anti-Venom–which appears to be the actual, honest-to-God non-amalgamated version of Bizarnage–would appear to be the worst idea since… well, since Venom: Lethal Protector, probably, but Dan Slott and John Romita Jr. teaming up to bring you the evil opposite of an evil opposite?! That’s so damn Hyperdelic it hurts!
King-Size Spider-Man Summer Special: I’ve been meaning to mention this for a while, but last week, I picked up a few of Paul Tobin’s Marvel Adventures: Fantastic Four, and I gotta say, those are some incredibly entertaining comic books. I mean, I already knew from Banana Sunday
In any case, Tobin’s got a story in this one that’s illustrated by his wife (and Banana Sunday artist and ISB Favorite) Colleen Coover where Spider-Man teams up with Mary Jane, She-Hulk, Hellcat and Marvel Girl, and that sounds like the best comic book ever.
P. 16 – Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane #1:
“Superstar writer Terry Moore (Strangers in Paradise, upcoming Runaways) supplies story”
Ah-ha. Thank you, but no. The second hardcover of the McKeever run, however (p. 86), I plan to order the livin’ crap out of.
P. 55 – Skrulls vs. Power Pack #2: And now, I give you what is, with the exception of Devil Dinosaur stomping on an alien, the greatest image ever conceived by man:
PACK. LIFE.
P. 75 – Punisher #61: So, uh, did you guys know they’re still going to publish The Punisher after Garth Ennis leaves? I mean, I knew they were going to keep publishing the character, but I’d just assumed that once Ennis was gone, the MAX series would end, the focus would shift over to Punisher War Journal, and we’d eventually get a ninth volume of The Punisher along the same lines.
But then again, maybe that’s just me. I mean, when you’ve got a guy like Ennis that’s been on the book for eight years–which is a mind-boggling run by today’s six-issue rotation standards–and redefined a character in a distinctive manner that a lot of people have tried and failed to recapture (like, you know, in all those one-shots), it feels a little odd, but they didn’t cancel X-Men after Claremont left and they didn’t cancel Thor after Walt Simonson, so there’s no reason why they should here.
As for Ennis’s replacement, that’s a pretty big shocker. It seems like Mitchell Hurwitz would do better with a straight-up comedy rather than a grim character like the Punisher, but since I absolutely loved what he did as the executive producer of Arrested Development
Gregg Hurwitz? From that new Foolkiller?
Oh. Well screw that, then.
And that’s it for the majors. Be here tomorrow as the ISB takes on the back half of the catalog with a look at the small press, the merch, and the mind-bending sequel to the Worst Thing I’ve Ever Seen! And as always, if there’s anything that makes you want to quote Will Smith, feel free to let me know.
While I am thrilled, as always, to see a return to your eternal combat with Previews there is one thing that I want to see more from you this week.
One thing that I must know your thoughts on even more than I must know your thoughts on the nightmare that is modern comic-book merchandising.
I must know your thoughts on the masterpiece of Film Criticism that is ‘Seagalogy’ by Vern.
Please.
I beg of you.
Read it.
Love it.
Review it.
What the heck is Empowered about anyway? All I can tell based on the art alone is that it revolves around the exploits of a race of scantily clad fish people.
Wait, what’s wrong with Terry Moore (who’s proven he can write female characters better than, oh, anyone outside of Gail Simone) writing Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane? It seems like a perfect fit to me (and I say that as someone who really appreciates McKeever’s excellent work).
And just a reminder, the new single Runnin’ Wit Da Pack Featuring Ludacris drops on Friday.
Trevor: From checking it out a little, it’s about a superheroine with a costume that tends to get torn a lot who’s struggling to make it in the hero game. I chuckled a few times, but I don’t share Chris’s love for it.
Joseph’s got it right, what’s up with the no Moore Spidey Loves MJ (I make puns)?
…I feed the pigeons. I sometimes feed the sparrows too. It gives me an enormous sense of well-being…
Speaking of Final Crisis, Morrison has basically come out and said that Countdown to Final Crisis… didn’t. It didn’t just fail to set up FC properly, it dramatically screwed things up so as to either be incompatible with FC, or make FC look incredibly stupid.
So now in addition to being terribly written, drawn, and nigh incoherent as a story that mostly spun its wheels to end up nowhere, Countdown is basically not even in DC continuity anymore. Same with the more interesting, but now equally messed up Death of the New Gods.
I mean, spoiler alert, but Final Crisis makes Orion’s death out to be a big “cosmic murder mystery” that’s central to the whole plot.
But if you try to square this with Countdown or DoTNG, that’s utterly insane. Even if Orion hadn’t already died in DotNG for reasons and by a killer that were already fully revealed in that series, Countdown not only already explains why he died as well (or, rather, re-died), but as he’s dying, it even features Superman almost literally saying to a bunch of other heroes “don’t try to help him guys: he’s going to go stumble into a trashcan and die right in front of us, which is just fine.” Mystery solved: he was killed by Superdickery.
And if this scene really ties logically into FC in any way, then the only thing any Green Lantern has to do to solve the big mystery is simply ask Kyle Rayner, Superman, Donna Troy, or even Jimmy Olsen what happened.
The answer, again? “He tore Darksied’s heart out and then got really exhausted from that and decided to go lie down in a ditch and die, and Superman said that’s okay so we didn’t do anything. Oh, and you can totally see up Mary Marvel’s skirt now.”
When talking up that Tobin/Coover Spider-Man story you forgot to mention Millie the Model Sims. Millie. The. Model.
Screw you, Sims. You blew my mind with the notion that Mitch Hurwitz was going to be writing comics, but it was just the setup for a cheap joke.
Screw. You.
In my dreams I can reach the alternate Earth where Perez is doing the art for All-Star Superman instead of Quitely. Not even all the art, but just the faces.
In these dreams I don’t have to squint at the cover art of #12 and say “Wait, is that Bizarro?”
They’re very good dreams.
Man… I can’t believe you managed to work in an Amazing George reference.
“Money exchanged hands, Michael!”
And that Power Pack (or is that Powerpac?) cover is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I’ve yet to pick up any of the “Power Pack Vs. _________” minis, but this may be one I take home.
Empowered is a cheesecake book done with heart. It’s roots were a set of pictures Warren did for someone with a bondage fetish and he somehow turned it into brilliant comedy. Just talking about the premise tends to turn people off which then sends fans ranting, “I really do read it for the articles!”
Empowered is a superheroine with a severe self-esteem problem. For her abilities to work she has to wear a skin tight, wafer thin membrane that weakens as it tears and that happens often. Consequently she’s often captured, tied up, and has to rely on others to help her. The superheroes that she works with tend to treat her as a joke but she keeps trying anyway.
Providing moral support is her boyfriend who was a henchmen, her best friend who is a ninja, and the devil who is trapped in bondage gear she keeps on the coffee table.
Dubs.
Friday.
Is on dubs.
Mind? Blown.
By the way, is there nothing Fred Van Lente can’t make more awesome? Because I already loved Power Pack, but he is just makin’ it oh so much awesomer!
Venom: Lethal Protector is far and away better than anything Spider-related that Marvel has published since. All this Anti-Venom flap will be worthwhile if it somehow brings Eddie back.
I have a tattoo on my stomach that says “Pack Life.” I got it when I was 10 down in Myrtle Beach, after a heavy night of slushies and Fun Dip.
Actually, the word ‘hyperdelic ‘wasn’t made up by DC or even Grant Morrison. That honor goes to Genesis P-Orridge, who came up with it to describe Psychic TV’s mid-80s sound. Or at least I think that’s the case. Maybe the word had been kicking around and Genesis just appropriated it, but that’s the first use of it that I can recall.
“Superman and Catwoman–together at last?! This team clearly won’t be held together with super-glue!â€
I was about to post that the above text sounds better read aloud in the voice of the narrator from Adam West Batman, but that made me remember how awesome those voiceovers were and its potential awesomeness was eclipsed.
I must know your thoughts on the masterpiece of Film Criticism that is ‘Seagalogy’ by Vern.
The only thing I can think of that would be less enjoyable than watching a bunch of movies with Steven Segal in them would be reading a book about a guy from Ain’t It Cool News who watched a bunch of movies with Steven Segal in them.
Wait, what’s wrong with Terry Moore (who’s proven he can write female characters better than, oh, anyone outside of Gail Simone) writing Spider-Man Loves Mary Jane?
Aaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahhahahaha! Good one.
Joseph’s got it right, what’s up with the no Moore Spidey Loves MJ (I make puns)?
Wait, you were serious? Huh. Never thought this would come up. Okay, I’ll explain: Terry Moore was a very nice man when I met him and I think he’s a fine artist (I have a sketch of Black Canary that he did on which he spent way more time and effort than he needed to), but as a writer, he is not very good.
Venom: Lethal Protector is far and away better than anything Spider-related that Marvel has published since.
Aaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahhahahaha! Good one.
Wait, you were serious?
Awwww, the Power Pack cover remind me of when I was teaching 6th grade in an extremely wealthy neighborhood in California (median home price $4.1 million dollars). The kids were so adorably earnest in their desire to be hardcore.
I only vaugely know about Power Pack from Runaways/Loners, but I might have to pick this issue up for its d’awwwww! factor.
Colour me surprised at the Terry Moore hate as well. Admittedly the last… decade… of “Strangers” threatened at times to topple into self-indulgence – but Moore always seemed to be able to pull at least the occasional gag, believably wacky character, well executed twist, or touching moment to keep him from falling into Dave Sim territory. He did re-tread a lot of the same narrative ground… but it’s not like he’s someone I’d immediately think is incompatable with the material.
And add another vote for “Empowered” – a lot of folks are turned off by the premise – but it’s just so damn earnest and (in a bizarre way) wholesome that it somehow manages to avoid feeling sleazy. Many stores keep them shrinkwrapped (as they do deal a lot with SEX and ANATOMY and GODLESS MORALS THAT WILL DESTROY THE CHILDREN… but if your local will let you flip through a trade just check out a couple of stories at random. The “chapters” are self-contained, and rarely more than a couple of pages each… it should be readily apparent quickly if this is something that would appeal (and it should be a must-buy for anyone who liked Warren’s “Dirty Pair” work).
I’ve actually noticed a weird trend from Dark Horse about Empowered – outside of their Myspace page, they never, ever seem to promote it or keep it in stock. It’s a wildly successful, well-written title but they seem embarrassed by it – most likely due to the subject matter. Every time they have a comic convention panel it’s “Buffy” this and “BRPD” that but zero mention of Empowered. As a long-time Adam Warren fan, this makes me more than a little tetchy. You’re absolutely right that they should be striking while the iron’s hot and putting out tons of Dirty Pair trades with stickers on them that read “By the creator of EMPOWERED!”. Money in the damn bank, people. And hell, forget Run From the Future – where the hell’s Dangerous Acquaintances? That’s been out of print for over a decade at this point, hasn’t it?
And I’ll be buying the DHP Myspace Presents comic too, even though I’ve read the stuff for free (you slacker), on account of it containing Sugarshock – the most awesome “rock band in outer space with a crazy viking-hating lead girl singer and a sardonic robot” story ever made.
Ron Howard: “Meanwhile, Chris Sims was blogging about how The Punisher’s new direction saddened him, unaware that ‘Gregg’ was just an unfortunate misprint caused by a drunken, embittered intern.”
The only thing I’ve ever read by Terry Moore was his run on Birds of Prey, which was awful. Then again, I though Sean McKeever’s run on Birds of Prey was awful but his Spidey/MJ was great. Maybe people who can’t write Birds of Prey make great Spidey/MJ writers.
Strangers In Paradise is one of the best comics series of all time. Terry Moore wrote that series so how could he be a bad writer ?
Oh, I see the mistake people are making; they think Strangers in Paradise was good.
You know, I thought Duane Swierczynski’s Punisher one shot, Force of Nature, was pretty decent (though the cover’s amazing promise of Frank Vs a Great White Whale is pretty brief). He’s supposed hop for an arc, but yeah, I feel like they should stop with Ennis. Stopping the series would be the same as retiring a number, and gorram it all, Ennis earned that.
Oh, Vern’s Seagalogy is pretty boss. I like to think of him as a reviewer-of-note that just happens to sometimes appear on AiCN.
The first thing I thought of when I saw that Power Pack cover (Gurihiru had an early sketch on their blog) was the end of the first run of Power Pack, and how they tried to go for a more grim-and-gritty tone. Yeah, it shouldn’t work, and it didn’t. My second thought was that what FVL and Gurihiru were doing had the potential to do “Grim and Gritty Power Pack” right.
That is, cute, funny, and with a Kymellian Smartship sporting spinners.
The Vern book’s okay. Alright, it’s better than okay. It’s actually good. But it’s not great. There’s damn little analysis for what claims to be a “study” of the ass-kicking Man. Truly. I’ll buy a lot of what he says, but it’s largely a commentary track on each Seagal film rather than an analysis. It points out oddities and so forth, but the only real analysis occurs in the 16-page Conclusion. The rest is, largely, summary–albeit very good and quite funny summary.
I mean, for example, that Vern never directly addresses WHY Seagal hucks folks through windows in every film. Is it a commentay on the illusions of barriers in our own lives? Does it mean we should try to escape our own lives by breaking the windows that surround us–with other people? What’s it freakin’ mean?
He never says. So in that regard, I was disappointed. It leaves interpretation up to the reader, rather than being an interpretation itself, which is what a study should do.
In other words, Chris, wait for Volume 2.
Yeah, I was initially excited about Superman Beyond, and then I read that interview Morrison did on Newsarama where he said something to the effect of “hey if you want to know more about the monitors read this because this series is all about the origins of the monitors and the orrery of worlds.”
I don’t think I’ve lost interest in a comic that quickly in a long time.
…to keep [Terry Moore] from falling into Dave Sim territory.
You mean, serious mental illness? Because that’s pretty much Dave’s front yard and gazebo.
“Gregg Hurwitz? From that new Foolkiller?
Oh. Well screw that, then.”
A-friggin’-MEN, Chris Sims. Ennis told the same story of brutality and revenge over and over again for eight years, and made it exciting and fresh each and every time. That Foolkiller thing was— well, I only read the one issue, but it was so ham-fisted and derivative I couldn’t stands no more.
I believe it actually is a *Roman* Serpent God (specifically Glycon) rising from beneath Northampton to smite vengence on DC Direct.
Specifically, an Imaginary Roman Serpent God. It’s an important distinction.
Oh, crap, I must be in bizarro world. Cuz apparently, the Eisner is handed out to writers who suck now.
“Terry Moore: Not Quite As Bad As Dave Sim”…now *there’s* an endorsement.
Bad:
“Mystery solved: he was killed by Superdickery.”
THANK YOU… One) that’s a great line, and B) that’s what I was flipping out about when FC #1 hit, and didn’t get any kind of response.
“What do you mean, “What happened?”? He fought Darkseid to the death, fulfilling Kirbyan Mythology, and walked off to die, with a good “No, no… just let him die from his injuries. F#@* him. He’d prefer it this way.” from Superman, and then we get Hal and John going “WTF happened to Orion, LOL!”
Nonsense.
Wait… I usually agree with everything Sims says but… I kinda like Strangers in Paradise… my internal definitions are at odds… must… resolve without implosion…
Amen to the solit of Superman Beyond, Amen to being turned off about the idea of it being a lot about the monitors. Then again, as we are now learning, Countdown was just one big joke with 52 punch lines. And the joke was on us, and every punch line was “got your money!”. So maybe Morrison’s monitors will be better.
In over 20 years of reading funnybooks, Strangers in Paradise is the only comic/TPB that I’ve ever brought back to the store. No fooling.
Chris Sims Says:
Aaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahhahahaha! Good one.
Wait, you were serious?
You darn right I’m serious! What came after that? Maximum Carnage? Peter’s parents coming back? Clone Saga? The goofy new costume? Aunt May returning from the dead? Spider totems? New powers? Spider armor? Mephisto erasing the marriage? I dunno man, sounds like Lethal Protector has got it on like a pot of neck bones.
Of course, it may have something to do with me being a being an insane Venom fanboy… but who’s counting?
Terry Moore wrote Lady Supreme. That’s reason enough to give anything else a pass, I should think.
Raygun Superman has one hell of an adam’s apple.