But What About the MI-6Pack?

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You know what? I love the KGBeast and I don’t care who knows it.

A pretty bold statement, I know, because the Beast is without question one of the goofiest Batman villains ever created. I mean, just look at the guy:

 

 

Sure, it might say “Soviet Super-Assassin” on his resume, but let’s be real here: That guy’s about two zippers away from full on bondage gear, and the fact that he’s wearing leather trunks and a pair of thigh-high boots really isn’t helping much.

Then again, maybe it’s because of his goofiness that I like him so much, and since I haven’t talked about Batman in, what, two days? I thought that tonight, we’d take a look at the story that introduced him to us: Jim Starlin and Jim Aparo’s Ten Nights of the Beast.

Originally released as a four-part story in 1988’s Batman #417-420, Ten Nights was one of a lot of stories, like The Cult, that were vying to be the Next Big Thing in the wake of Year One and Dark Knight Returns. But whereas The Cult attempted to bridge the gap and make DKR the official future by throwing in stuff like a tank-like Batmobile and a darker villain, Ten Nights tried to recapture its spirit by making it as big a story as possible.

With the side effect being that it was absolutely ridiculous.

Seriously, this thing is the 1980s Action Movie of Batman stories. It’s what would happen if you let Jeph Loeb write Batman. The real Jeph Loeb, I mean, the guy who wrote Commando, not the self-parody who actually did write Batman. I wouldn’t let that guy write me a check.*

So here’s how it goes down:

 

 

Laughing Boy up there is Anatoli Knyazev, a ruthless, highly trained super-spy from the Soviet Union who operates under the codename “The KGBeast,” a name so gloriously ridiculous that it wouldn’t be surpassed until the debut of the Beast’s own protegé, the NKVDemon. In any case, he’s gone rogue and come to America to assassinate ten government officials on a list that includes President Ronald Reagan in order to stop them from developing the Star Wars project.

It is, therefore, the Eightiesest Story Ever Written.

In order to achieve this goal, the Beast–following the same model of Soviet Efficiency that brought us Ivan Drago–decides that the best plan of action would be coming to Gotham City and killing pretty much everybody. Seriously, the body count in this thing is ludicrious; the Beast leaves a bigger body count that tops even John Rambo’s personal best. Over the course of the titular Ten Nights, the Beast manages to personally murder well over a hundred Gothamites, including nailing eighty at once when he poisons the soup at a fundraiser:

 

 

Admittedly, they’re all Republicans, but… Nah. Nobody deserves that.

Anyway, exactly why everyone involved in the SDI–up to and including the President of the United States–is hanging out in Gotham City is never really addressed, but they are, and that means that when the Beast starts killing people by the handful, he has to deal with Batman. But while the Batman of the late 80s was probably at the height of his career as an ass-kicking international crime-fighter, the Beast stays one step ahead of him, thanks largely to the judicious use of a tactic often employed by Batman himself:

 

Child Endangerment

 

After a while, though, Batman ends up catching up with the Beast on a rooftop, and that’s when this thing just stops even trying to make sense. While following the Beast from one roof to another, Batman manages to loop a rope around one of his wrists, effectively trapping him.

Unfortunately for Batman, the Beast is currently armed with a fire axe which was just shown on the previous page to be fully capable of cutting through the line in question, even when wielded one-handed, with a little bit of effort. So as far as traps go, it’s not exactly Batman’s best.

And yet, the Beast chooses the absolute worst way of getting out of it:

 

 

Dude straight cuts off his own hand.

Starlin obviously meant for this to show that the Beast was as ruthless as his namesake and willing to sacrifice anything to accomplish his mission, but what with the fact that he could’ve also escaped by cutting the rope that is right there, it really just makes him seem like a dumbass. I mean, hands are pretty useful in one’s day-to-day life even if one is not a super-assassin.

And it’s like he totally realizes it, too. There’s a shot on the next page where he looks over his shoulder at Batman as he escapes, and while the narration assures us that he’s swearing vengeance, I’m pretty sure that he’s actually just going: “Wait. I could’ve just cut the rope. … Shit.”

After that, the story pretty much coasts to the finish line, with the KGBeast replacing his severed hand with a customized knife/gun thing–because, you know, comics–and eventually heading down to the sewer to fight Batman, who–what with the fact that the Beast has Diplomatic Immunity, which was a major plot point in at least three of Starlin’s Batman stories–decides not to take him into the police, instead just locking him up down there until he dies of starvation.

No, really.

 


(Click for a larger image)

 

Of course, eventually someone realized that Batman luring criminals down to the catacombs for a nice cask of Amontillado was probably not the best way for the character to work, and so Marv Wolfman later revealed in Batman: Year Three that he later called the cops and told them where to find the Beast.

And that makes this the only story where a villain’s complete disregard for human life pushes Batman to the point where he has to unleash his ultimate weapon: The Time Out.

 

 

*: This is a lie. Jeph Loeb can write me as many checks as he wants, and with each one, I will swear that ULTIMATES 3 is the greatest comic book I have ever read.

59 thoughts on “But What About the MI-6Pack?”

  3. i have no idea why i emphasised ‘wrote’ in that paragraph. but i will emphasise that in australia, we spell emphasise with an ‘s’.

  4. It’s a sin that the sixties show never got their hands on this guy.
    Also, I could watch Batman cowardly barricade a door all day.

  5. it also occurs to me that, while it was technically a paragraph, a single sentence is usually called ‘a sentence’.

    ballywhoo, i loved this sentence:

    After that, the story pretty much coasts to the finish line, with the KGBeast replacing his severed hand with a customized knife/gun thing–because, you know, comics–and eventually heading down to the sewer to fight Batman, who–what with the fact that the Beast has Diplomatic Immunity, which was a major plot point in at least three of Starlin’s Batman stories–decides not to take him into the police, instead just locking him up down there until he dies of starvation.’

    hi-larious…but c’mon, an 82 word single sentence with about 15 dependent clauses is a tough task for even your most devoted fans, mr sims.

  6. Not only did Loeb write Commando, Ryan, he also wrote Teen Wolf. We need to find out what happened to THAT Loeb.

  7. My God !
    I completely forgot Loeb wrote Commando

    I kept telling myself that one day it will all make sense and the day finally came.

    I don’t think the loss of the Beast’s hand was that big a deal though. It was just the left one. Who really uses their left hand, other than the children of Satan ? Batman locking him away is a sucker move finale, not worthy of Aparo art.

  9. Who really uses their left hand, other than the children of Satan?

    Single men?

    I was always rather worried about the whole ‘call the cops and tells them where to find him’ thing. It’s kind of…

    “Hey, Commissioner, if you send a couple of guys here they’ll find an extremely pissed-off killing machine who’s been drinking sewer water for three days straight and is armed with a lump of paint.”

    The thing that got me within the story, though, was the scene where the KGBeast was caught unarmed by a bunch of cops.

    “But to the Beast,” the narration explained, “everything is a weapon.”

    And then he picked up an axe. I mean, that’s… He couldn’t have bludgeoned the cops with a fire extinguisher? Stabbed them with a ballpoint pen? Choked them, Alien-style, on a rolled up magazine? Nope. Everything is a weapon. Including this axe!

  11. Hey, you left he cable-beheading out!
    This was the first comic I ever bought in a. english and b. paperback, and when i first flipped those golden pages open and saw the cable-beheading, I KNEW life would never be the same again…

  12. I had forgotten how hard I laughed at that panel of Batman falling ass-over-teacup off the roof and thinking “Once again, I’ve underestimated him.” Not “Holy shit! That lunatic cut off his own hand!” But rather “Hmm, cutting off his own hand, I wish I’d thought of that. Well-played, KGBeast.” all the while plumetting to the street.

  15. I miss the alt-text on the soup-massacre scene.

    It looks to me like that dark-suited cop is seriously checking out the dead blonde lady in the red dress. That’s just wrong.

  17. I’m pretty sure diplomatic immunity doesn’t extend to mass murder. Then again, most of my legal knowledge comes from watching “Night Court”, where he’d have been sentenced to a $50 fine and time served.

  18. The cable/bike freaked me out, seeing as I got this from the library when I was about 8 and was used to Adam West and the fairly bloodless early 90s cartoon.

    Fortunately, I did not ride a motorbike at the time and the trauma was thus limited.

    However, I haven’t ridden a motorbike since… COINCEDENCE?

  20. I dare some brash young illustrator to sketch the NKOTBeast, he who is Hangin’ Tough-est. I’ll buy you a hovercraft made of pirate gold.

  21. – Is that an old Ambush Bug reference I see in the alt text? Oh Sims, you scamp.

    – I see KGBeast took a page from the old Captain America movie, in which the Red Skull frees his hand from Cap’s grip by lopping off his own hand instead of, you know, Cap’s.

    – I didn’t really need to hear Batman going on about “pervert justice”. Oh, he meant it as a verb? Well, but still.

    “I’m not in this business to protect the rules. I serve justice.

    “Pervert justice.”

    Aw hell, I’m gonna have to warm up Photoshop when I get home.

  23. I like the panel where Batman reminds the people he’s with that Ronald Reagan is president of the United States, just in case they’d forgotten or in case they thought it was some other Ronald Reagan who was the prime target of a Soviet Super Assassin.

  24. Why doesn’t Batman have a shirt on when he’s walling up KGBEast in the sewer? Did it get torn off in battle or did he not want to get sawdust on it?

  25. I seem to recall this story taking place right in the middle of a different story arc. Like the previous issue ended with a “to be continued,” and then the next thing you know it’s four issues of a totally different story.
    I believe that the story that preceded, and then followed, involved a serial killer. I remember that there was a part of the story in which some homeless guy takes Batman “home” to meet his “wife,” with said wife turning out to be the corpose of one of the killer’s victims.

  28. Heimdall, yeah, I think this was one of the earlier examples of the sort of “mini-series within a series” arcs that are actually the modern trade-driven default. Pioneered and extensively used in the Batman titles, beginning with Batman: Year One, I believe.

  29. Also hilarious: the notion that the Soviets were worried about SDI.

    Why can’t they update this character? How about the AL-QUAEDAstroyer? No?

  31. Funny thing about the page where Batman seals in the Beast; apparently Bats is blocking the hinges on the door. Which won’t do anything. Also, the hinges are on the opposite side of how the door is seen swinging shut in the top four panels.

    Yes, all the problems this story has (though I liked it when I first read it when I was much younger), and that’s what I notice.

  33. Oh child! It’s about to get sassy up in here!

    hi-larious…but c’mon, an 82 word single sentence with about 15 dependent clauses is a tough task for even your most devoted fans, mr sims.

    Considering that I’ve been at this for almost four years now and my comma splicing remains unabated, my most devoted fans are probably used to it.

    This post was worthy of Dave of the late Longbox himself.

    Look, I… You… Ahem. Thank you for the very kind words.

    Oh, that? It’s nothing, just the sound of my teeth grinding.

    I miss the alt-text on the soup-massacre scene.

    I’m afraid that joke–which, I can assure you, is probably the funniest thing you’ve ever seen–is only available to ISB Prime Subscribers. If you’d like access to ISB Prime Membership, please PayPal $49.99 to the address in the sidebar. If you’d like membership in ISB Prime Platinum Gold, it’ll be $99.99.

    Oh, Pfffft. He’s no NKVDemon, after all.

    Hey, thanks for bringing up the NKVDemon! I thought I mentioned him above in Paragraph Nine, but–oh, no, wait. I totally did.

    I dare some brash young illustrator to sketch the NKOTBeast, he who is Hangin’ Tough-est.

    You, sir, can stay.

  35. This was the first Batman story I ever read, and man, I was _hooked_. It may sound silly now, but in my mind, it looms as a spooky, intense, nail-biting thriller.

    You also fail to mention that the bulk of the first issue of the storyline involves Batman free-falling off a building in an attempt to save a guy who, as it turns out, is already dead.

  36. Please tell us you’re going to walk us through the NKVDemon story! He’s every bit his master’s student.

    Plus, it’s one of the few Batman stories I own- along with the car battery one which I always loved, but never knew it was a legend amongst my peers until I found your site…

    -Citizen Scribbler

  37. The AL-QUAEDAstroyer would be kind of spurious, seeing as this story also involved an Arab suicide bomber flying into a tower block.

    Don’t worry, Jason Todd saved the day.

  40. It was only after this incident that Gotham City fundraisers stopped having their “synchronized soup tasting” events. Sad, since the sight and sound of a room full of well-heeled political donors sampling minestrone all as one was damned moving.

    Now, if the soup is poisoned, only half or two-thirds of the people will die, since the rest will notice the gasping and choking and dying, and decide instead to have some salad.

    On another note, every government agency needs its own eponymous superhero/villain. “Beware…the EPAss-Kicker! The DOJuggernaut! The IRSlayer!” Hells yeah.

  43. Naked Bunny,
    My vast amount of Lethal Weapon II research indicates that, in fact, diplomatic immunity applies to any violation of the law. (Aside: the big bad in LWII was the head of a consulate and would only have had consular immunity, which would not have protected him.)
    Still. “It’s just been revoked.” Classic.

  44. The NAMBLAbomination.

    Think of the story hooks!

    More on topic…I don’t care how ludicrous this story is if you think about it too hard, I’m still getting this and the NKVDemon story library bound for evers.

  48. KGBeast vs. USAgent

    With a cameo by the DNAgents, of course!

    You know, prior to this my sole exposure to the KGBeast was his entry in Who’s Who. I think I liked it better that way.

  49. The whole DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY WILL LET FOREIGNERS COMMIT INDISCRIMINATE MURDERS! hysteria that Starlin had going was a real eightis thing, too.

  50. You do know that in October, there’s going to be a KGBeast figure with gun hand in the Justice League Unlimited “Secret Society” six-pack at Target, right? Right there with the Key, Silver Banshee, Atomic Skull, Shadow Thief and…a Batman figure. But come on! BEST MULTI-PACK OF ALL TIME!

    I don’t know why he still calls himself the KGBeast if the Soviet Union is no longer around, but when you’re dealing with the Beast, you don’t ask questions.

    The Demon was in the first Batman comic I ever picked up. I did not understand a damn word of it.

  51. My first batman comic had him in Las Vegas facing off against an evil native american shaman named Two-Hearts, while aided by a blind old native man and a dog with the bat logo on its fur.
    I did not understand a damn word of it.

  52. Dude I thought “NKVDemon” was a hilarious joke until I discovered he really does exist. Once again, this website has reminded me that I’ve got to read more Jim Aparo Batman comics. Thanks Chris.

  53. My first Batman comic had him facing off against a radioactive Hulk-like version of Alfred the Butler and included about a third of the book as exposition explaining what the hell had led up to the opus I was reading.

    And I WISH I did not understand a damn word of it.

    It would be almost eight years before I voluntarily read another Batman story. That one featured him getting shot repeatedly and then just going on a revenge spree with bullets still in him killing him. Frank Miller has NOTHING on those old skool Bat stories.

  54. My first Batman comic had him facing off against a radioactive Hulk-like version of Alfred the Butler and included about a third of the book as exposition explaining what the hell had led up to the opus I was reading.

    Oh man, are you talking about the DC Comics Presents issue where he fights The Outsider with the Outsiders?! That was my very first comic!

  55. It always struck me that although the KGBeast failed to kill Reagan, he did knock off 9 of the 10 most influential SDI people. Seems like just 2 or 3 would be enough to effectively destroy the program.

  57. Am I too late to say what my first Batman story was? I am probably am…but I’ll go ahead anyways.

    It was a giant-sized issue of Batman & the Outsiders where Batman fights Kobra on a space station. Special guest appearance by Mikhail Gorbachev.

  58. My first Batman story was the one where Jason Todd throws a guy off a balcony because he has… wait for it…

    Diplomatic immunity!

    The circle is complete.

  59. There are some criminals who just deserve to be bumped off, no trial, nothing. Yet the system allows them to live if for no other reason than to make itself look good.

    Trust me, there are plenty of people on this planet who need to be removed. Permanently.