When the trailer for The Machine Girl hit last year, I got an email from a friend of mine almost immediately telling me that it was something I needed to see. Then I got an email from an ISB reader along the same lines.

Then I got another. Then a comment. Then another email.

Then the trailer got on Attack of the Show, and I got more emails, each one telling me that while this I’d probably heard of it already, they couldn’t let this one slide without making sure I was aware that there was a movie coming out that combined Japanese Schoolgirls, Machine-Gun Arms, the Flying Guilloutine, and Ninjas dressed in Adidas jumpsuits.

Putting what that says about my somewhat dubious reputation in Asian Cinema aside for the moment, I’m happy to report that Machine Girl finally arrived this week from Amazon…

 

 

…and it is crazy awesome.

Long-time ISB readers might recall that while I have a general distaste for What If stories, there are a couple of premises–like What If Conan Was The Mack and What If Sgt. Fury Fought World War II In Space–that hook me. And as it turns out, “What If The Punisher Was A One-Armed Japanese Schoolgirl Who Went On a Blood-Soaked Rampage of Vengeance” is also a good one.

Unless you’re talking about the Mangaverse Punisher, I mean, because man. That thing is dire.

Anyway, back to Machine Girl: It’s not just one of the most mind-shatteringly bloody action movies I’ve ever seen, it’s also one of the most educational! So let’s get to it:

 

 

The movie opens with a kid being bullied into playing William Tell by a gang of older students, who while away the afternoon throwing knives at the apple on his head until a be-sailor-suited young lady shows up and orders them to knock it off. This is Ami Hyuga (played by Minsae Yashiro in her first acting role), and as it turns out, her brother was bullied to death by these same students.

Jimmy Hopkins remains unavailable for comment.

What follows is an opening sequence that I’m pretty sure is exactly what Louis Le Prince had in mind when he invented the motion picture camera in 1888: The lead nogoodnik pulls a knife on her, but Ami whips out a kama, jumps ten feet in the air, and cuts his freakin’ hand off…

 

 

…then tells him to stop crying and man up. After all, she’s lost an arm, too, and she does just fine. Though to be fair, that’s mostly because she replaced it with a Gatling gun. Thus, Ami expends more rounds than were fired in the entire works of Mickey Spillaine, and we learn tonight’s first lesson:

 

Lesson #1: Playing with knives is all fun and games until someone shows up to shoot you in the face eighty-nine times.

 

Once that’s dealt with, cut to flashback to show how Ami got to this lowwwwwly state. See, once, she was a normal high school girl, complete with the standard-issue lesbian best friend. Sadly, tragedy strikes before we can get down to any good ol’ fashioned yuri action, and–as previously mentioned–Ami’s brother Yu and his best friend Takeshi are murdered by…

 

 

…Sho Kimura, the tough-guy heir to a line of–I kid you not–Hattori Hanzo Yakuza Ninjas led by his parents, Wolverine and the Pin-Up Girl:

 

 

After her brother’s death, Ami is… inconsolable, and when she finds a diary listing his tormentors, she sets off to accuse one of them. Unfortunately, she does this first thing in the morning, and the kid’s parents respond by attacking Ami with a golf club and then deep-frying her arm.

 

 

 

Lesson #2: In Japanese culture, accusing someone of murder over breakfast is a major social faux pas, and often results in tempura.

 

And that’s just the beginning of the trouble with Ami’s left arm, as her next move is to make a direct assault on the Kimura household, which ends with her arm being chopped off at Mrs. Kimura’s request. Fortunately, she’s able to choke out a henchman with her thighs–like a much more alluring Riggs from Lethal Weapon–and make her escape, stumbling around the city following visions of her brother that will lead her to the edge she needs to take on the Yakuza Ninjas.

 

Lesson #3: Massive, untreated blood loss is really no big deal, probably because the human body contains around eight gallons of blood stored under high pressure.

 

Said edge comes from Takeshi’s parents, Suguru and Miki< who are similarly bereaved by the loss of their son. They also happen to be mechanics who used to be in a biker gang and have advanced training in combat medicine, which comes in handy for the recently unarmed Ami. Also beneficial: Suguru is an expert at creating weapons that can be attached via stump, and Miki, true to her name, is so fine she blows my mind:

 

 

Lesson 4: Tired: MILFs. Wired: JMILFs.

 

Initially, Miki blames Ami for her son’s death, but after they settle their differences by arm wrestling–really–Miki decides that it’s time for all good men to come to the aid of the party and sets about hooking Ami up with a montage while her husband gets to making her a new hand… from steel.

 

 

Whoops, sorry. Wrong blood-soaked action movie replacement hand.

Anyway, this is about where the movie starts to get crazy. Before Suguru can finish Ami’s machine gun, the garage is attacked by a trio of ninjas wearing red Adidas track suits…

 

 

…known as the Junior High Shuriken Gang. He manages to finish up the replacement arm, but only just before he’s neatly quartered by a hail of shuriken, which leads Ami to give us futher instruction. Here comes the science:

 

Lesson #5: It is possible to shoot a man with a machine gun in such a way that it strips all the skin from his bones without breaking them.

 

You don’t have to believe me, people: That’s physics.

Anyway, Miki and Ami capture one of the Kimuras’ thugs and, after a scene where we learn that it’s possible to have thirteen nails driven into your face and come through none the worse for wear, find out where they’re hiding and head off to the final confrontation.

Now this part really has to be seen to be believed, and honestly, I don’t want to ruin it for anybody. I will, however, note that it involves:

 

 

A team of Grieving Parent/Super-Villains

 

 

Bisection via Chainsaw

 

 

A Master of the Flying Guillotine

 

And of course…

 

 

Mrs. Kimura’s Drill Bra

 

Eventually of course, good (well, goodish) wins out over Evil, revenge is gotten, and while the end of the movie offers an uplifting message of hope that wraps things up nicely, I’ve got to say: This could be the start of the next great movie franchise, and I know exactly where to go with it next.

I mean, really: Ami’s a stone-cold one-armed killer at this point, but she’s still a high school student, and when high school students get out of line, there’s only one girl they can send. I think you know what I’m getting at here, folks:

Machine Girl vs. Yo-Yo Girl Cop!

And seriously: Guitar Wolf’s gotta do the soundtrack.