How the Batman Saved Christmas!

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With Christmas Eve finally upon us and most of the presents safely tucked under the tree, there might be a few of you wondering what I want for Christmas this year. Well, as we all know from the Saturn Knight story, Christmas isn’t just about getting stuff, but if I was pressed, I’d have to admit that there’s one thing I’d really like to see this year.

And that is Batman.

Kicking a bear in the face.

On Christmas.

But, well, that’s pretty specific to my taste, so really… what’re the odds of that showing up?

 

IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

 

It’s a story that could only be told in the pages of 1976’s Batman #285, also known as The Greatest Comic Book of All Time. So great, in fact, that I’d originally just automatically assumed it was by Bob Haney and Jim Aparo, because really, it’s Batman in a Christmas Tree fighting a bear, and that’s got Haney written all over it. But while Aparo does provide the cover, it’s actually David Reed, Romeo Tanghal and Frank Springer who bring us this tale of holiday cheer.

So here’s how it goes down:

 

 

All the people in Gotham liked Christmas a lot. But Dr. Tzin-Tzin, imprisoned in Arkham… did not.

Was it maybe because he’d lost too many fights? Or because Batman had trapped him with noise and bright lights?

 

 

Was there even a reason? Were there maybe a million? All that matters right now is that this guy’s the villain.

But at least he’s locked up… Oh, right, this is Arkham, where they’re out of the cells just as soon as they park ’em.

Before long, he’s escaped without doing his time, and he sets about plotting a Holiday crime!

 

 

“It’s insanely special!” said the man with the cowl, “He’s going to stop Christmas from coming… but how?

Tzin-Tzin had an idea. An awesome idea. Dr. Tzin-Tzin had a terrible, awesome idea!

He’d pray to his dark gods! He’d unleash his magic! He’d make sure this Christmas was nothing but tragic!

“I’ll now have my vengeance! He’ll fall before me! I’ll make Batman fight a bear… IN A HUGE CHRISTMAS TREE!”

 

 

But Batman, as we know, won’t go out like a punk. Just ask Riddler, the Joker, Scarecrow and Mad Monk.

So the bear’s taken out, but as Bats gets reflective, he sees the whole city was Tzin-Tzin’s objective!

 

 

He’s stolen their Christmas! He’s stolen their thoughts! All the holiday cheer from the Haves and Have-Nots!

They don’t know they should party at the big Christmas Bash! Why, they can’t even remember to serve the Bat-Hash!

 

 

All but Batman it seems, have forgotten the season, and now we can see Tzin-Tzin’s plan has a reason:

He doesn’t just want to make the Batman pay… He wants him to suffer alone Christmas Day!

Clearly, he forgot how much rage Batman has to be fed. I mean, jeez, Doc… the guy’s friggin’ parents are dead!

And that’s why Bruce Wayne cannot suffer in silence, so like so many things… this one calls for some violence.

 

 

Thus, Christmas is saved, and we all learn a little, so keep this in mind if your spirit gets brittle:

Maybe Christmas, it seems, doesn’t come from a place. But from inside your heart…

…or a kick to the face.

33 thoughts on “How the Batman Saved Christmas!”

  1. Bra-effing-vo.

    Instead of Karloff’s voice, I heard this in my head as recited by Mark Hamill’s Joker.

  4. Praise baby Santa, I have this issue in my big box of unread Batman comics. I’ll have to bust it out on Christmas morn and read it aloud to any and all people within earshot.

  5. That was good for me and in the spirit of the season can I suggest you consult Detective 440? If you aren’t familar with it, Batman rides a bear that’s on fire. You’ll be teased again by a cover which features a bear, Batman and the work of Jim Aparo, but, sadly, he doesn’t draw the interior.

  7. No, nothing’s wrong. That’s just a little dust that got in my eye. I need a minute.

    P.S. That final panel has the ghost of Gene Colans present written all over it; what other artists did Romeo borrow from for this book?

  15. Anyone who could read this blog entry and not be filled with the spirit of Christmas is a harder, crueler man than I.

  17. phillyradiogeek- Batman loves Christmas more than any other superhero. And he’s friends with Santa.

  18. No mention of the new Brave and the Bold Christmas cartoon? There are no bears, but we learn that Batman hates Christmas because he got his parents murdered on Christmas.

  19. That was a triumph, Chris — wonderfully, hilariously excellent.

    Best wishes of the season to you, sir.

  20. PS

    After six days in the lotus position at Arkham, Tzin-Tzin is imprisoned by massive incontinence.

  21. I love the expression of pure horror and rage on Batman’s face when he realises the guy is trying to steal Christmas. Clearly Batman takes Christmas VERY seriously. Don’t mess with Christmas or Batman will mess with your face…using his boots. Even if you’re a freaking BEAR.
    …And that’s awesome.

  22. I’m just filled with the spirit of the season from reading that. Bravo indeed.

    At some point, you’re going to have to write about Vol. 3 of The Brave and the Bold. That would be a Christmas present almost as good as this one.

  23. I’m so surprised you didn’t include the Batman kicking the bear in the face panel. Was it just too easy to go there?

  25. I’m so surprised you didn’t include the Batman kicking the bear in the face panel. Was it just too easy to go there?

    It’s… it’s at the top of the post.

  26. We just added this to our tree at home. It looks really awesome. Like, Batman kicking a bear in the fucking face, awesome.

  27. Merry Christmas, Mr Sims! You’ve given me hours and hours of hilarious enjoyment this year, and all I can do in return is dance, dance for your amusement like a puppet with three strings and a sclerotic illness.

    What a shame you can’t SEE me dancing, but I hope you appreciate the thought.

  28. Very cool but in terms of Batman Christmases I have to go with the stunning (but much less bear-fighting) The Silent Night of Gotham City where Batman is the spirit of Christmas.

  30. That was bloody amazing, Chris. Bravo. I read this aloud to my brother, and he laughed like crazy.

    Happy Christmas to all, and to all a Dark Knight.