Hello, and thank you for contacting the Will Magnus Institute of Super-Science! Over the course of your career as a costumed crimefighter, you may (or rather, definitely will) encounter situations that appear to be significantly out of the realm of accepted probability.
Don’t worry! This is completely normal.
In an effort to help, the Institute has compiled a list of common solutions to these extraordinary problems in an effort to provide you with technical support during your various metaheroic crises.
PROBLEM: I was recently for a calculating machine and settled on an Ultivac model that I acquired from a former Nazi scientist. Unfortunately, this particular model was constructed under the orders of a notorious bank robber while in prison, and after gaining sentience somehow, it attempted to murder me. Now…
…and my Very Important Calculations are left undone. Other problems exhibited by the Ultivac Unit include:
Telepathy:
Pacifism:
And a tendency to smash through walls during plot expositions:
I attempted to consult the expert recommended by the manufacturer, but as it turns out, she was a woman and therefore ill-suited to work of such a highly scientific nature.
SOLUTION: Like most of the problems associated with former Nazi technology, the issues with Ultivac are highly destructive but deceptively easy to fix. In fact, the key to the solution lies in the problems mentioned above: That scourge of the modern world, Pacifism!
Although it’s hatred for walls and structures can lead to an initial outbreak of violence, a self-aware Ultivac wants nothing more than to help:
Thus, it’s a simple matter to set up a meeting to hear what fantastic gifts your gigantic telepathic robot can offer humanity, and then take care of matters with one of our widely-available Atomic Death Rays:
And next time, use a good old-fashioned American Terrordroid 9000 for all your calculating needs!
More complex solutions to relatively simple problems can be found in the pages of Showcase Presents Challengers of the Unknown v.1
Nothing says “Problem solved” like shooting a giant robot in the face.
And that’s why women should have never left the kitchen.
…
Oh shut up, I’m kidding.
I always preferred the Terrordroid 6000. Same computing-and-destructive powers in a smaller, more convenient package…
OF DEATH!!!
I thought that maybe, just maybe, you might relax your iron grip on the Greatest (extant) Blog title.
Nope.
In fact, you see that bar up there? That one on top of the shop? You’ve just raised it again.
Good work Sims. Now get off that filthy X-Box and tell me where JMS is going with Thor!
I so want a Kirby-tech android around my house.
Okay, not necessarily around my house given how they smash through walls but somewhere convenient.
Anyone knows if the crackle is standard or is it an option?
This is only somewhat related to the “German Thumplex” joke, but I did decide once that if Sigmund Freud were a wrestler, his finisher would be the Oedipal Suplex.
I will never look at my Roomba the same ever again… Though, my Scooba keep it in check. Just don’t walk into the kitchen if the tile is still wet. It will chop your legs off.
“First, I shall reveal to mankind the cure for cancer. The solution is–”
FZAAAAAAP! [sizzle]
-THUNK-
“So, Senator Hesse, what’s your stance on the Second Amendment?”
“Uh, huh, so your death ray is for deer hunting?”
Greatest Blog Title? Well, I guess “Invincible Super-Blog” is okay, but I’m sort of fond of “Slay, Monstrobot of the Deep!!” myself.
I love the Challs. I mean, really, really, a lot, I love them.
I loved the “IGNORE ME” hover text tag, Sims!
Venture Bros. rocks so hard. Almost as hard as the Challengers of the Unknown!
And Kirby made the best-looking giant robot hands around. That sucka’s so well-designed…
Giant hands crash through walls in Challengers, Thor, Eternals, and almost every Atlas pre-hero monster book. I think that Kirby was frightened as a baby when a giant hand came crashing through the wall of his nursery.
Say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, at least it produces good Ultivacs.
Damn, now I feel ripped off, I bought an Ultivac once and all it did was get the dust and dirt out of my carpet and upholstery. Though it did leave someh nice energy dots shimering around the lounge room. Ah, kirby fresh.
“I was recently for a calculating machine…”
Recently what for a calculating machine? Shopping? Searching? Pining? Masturbating?
What strikes me as odd about the Challs is that while Jack is drawing them the adventures are fantastic, the pictures are great, but they are all as dull as blocks of wood. Jack goes and they immediately start to show signs of character and internal friction, teasin, etc-ie behaving more like Marvel characters would, before there were any! Odd…