I’m back at Heavy.com today with an all-new installment of The Worst of Netflix, this time taking on David Heavener’s 1990 anti-gun-control sci fi action picture, Twisted Justice!
I think I managed to hit most of the high points in the Heavy review–Tucker’s onesie, THE FUTURE!’s version of Bluetooth, Heavener’s utter incompetence both in and out of character–but not every awful thing about the movie made it into the final version, so as a bonus to the article, here are a few of the notes I made while watching that didn’t make the final cut:
– These fight scenes have the difficulty of being choreographed with the characters about three feet too far away from each other.
– In the year 2020, porn photographers use giant Jimmy Olsen cameras.
– Erik Estrada as the Angry Police Captain could not be more cliche: “I have been covering for you before this because you are a damn good cop! But I am through being jacked around!”
– At one point, Tucker watches It’s A Wonderful Life. Rule #1: Don’t remind your audience that they could be watching better movies.
– When given a good ten seconds to step to the left, Tucker decides it’s a good idea to just go on ahead and get hit by a car.
And those were the things that weren’t bad enough to make it into the review. Enjoy!
Movie trivia: In the last photo, that is Shannon Tweed’s real ear, not a stunt ear!
And who touched up that Jim Brown picture – Time?
Loving the increased length and super-picturosity of the latest entry, so ever more jokes makes this even better. Keep it up.
Someone take a look at Heavener’s IMDB page and tell me where the dude’s money comes from. He’s written/produced/directed/starred in something like a dozen movies that, judging by their title, are all basically like this. Did any of them actually make a profit? Is he a huge star in Mongolia?
BTW, his Wikipedia page doesn’t shed any light on the mystery, but it does have a certain deadpan charm.
TIM C –
That is the best Wikipedia page ever.
CATEGORIES: People from Louisville, Kentucky.
I think Jim Brown must have made this movie in the Witness Protection Program.
And this is “JB.” We’ve obscured his face on the cover to protect his identity.
On the bright side, it’s good to know that the world really doesn’t end in 2012.
Delurking to say I, too, went to Heavener’s imdb page. And I am trying to figure out how he makes films like this while being “Not only a martial artist but also a composer and performer of Christian music.” I always thought the Christian music industry negated the chances of writing/producing/directing & starring in movies that involve nekkid wimmen.
Heavener does indeed have the best Wikipedia page ever. It features not only TWO references to “Neo-Nazi environmentalists” but also a very enthusiastic comment about onscreen butt shaving.
AND it has Burt Ward.
Chris needs to do a series on the “Action Star of the 90s”
Aww… now I feel dirty.
Hah! Somehow Chris Sims has separately lured all of us to Heavener’s IMDb page without ever telling us to go!
I had to take a look, and seriously, this douche has been making the very worst, most stereotypical cop movies since 1985, when they were actually appropriate, but he never stopped!
The poor bastard is chronologically locked in 1985, even with his most recent “film” just finishing production now in 2009.
Should we… I dunno, all meet up in Los Angeles or something, and hold an intervention for this guy? I mean, how do you let 20 years pass without admitting that the 1980s are over?
You know the guy sucks when he has to go into “Christian Rock”. So your audience is listening because they’re religious, not because your music is any good. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Wikipedia page that requires my attention.
Bwaaaaahahahah!
As many sentences as possible should end in “thus causing him to reach a level of kill-craziness hitherto unavailable to him.” That Wikipedia scribe is my hero.
Chris, I am begging you, please review more of this guy’s “films”. It could be a whole new segment! I mean, I know you suffer so much for us already, and it’s more than should be asked of anyone, but this guy, he’s… he is like the nexus of suck.
Skemono Says:
CATEGORIES: People from Louisville, Kentucky.
Aww… now I feel dirty.
Yeah, yeah, me too.
He obviously wrote that wiki page himself, right? But then again, if he did, you’d think he’d mention more than one movie and scene where he shaves his butt.
And who do you think once called him the “action star of the 90s”?
Jazzbo-
His agent.
Why would he even have an agent? To handle all the grueling contract negotiations between David Heavener, Action Star and David Heavener, Executive Producer?
David, SOMEONE has to keep sending his head shots and accomanying muffin baskets to Casting Director David Heavener!
As opposed to muffin shots and accompanying head baskets.
This is a speed-suit, mister, not a onesie!