Every now and then, you’ll hear someone ask the question “What makes a hero?” and usually, they come to the conclusion that a hero is someone who puts the needs of others before himself, often making a supreme sacrifice. Am I a hero? Well, I don’t rightly know.

What I do know is that I’m sitting here reading a copy of Anita Blake when I’ve got Bayonetta less than twenty feet away.

Yes, it’s time once again for the ISB Research Department to suffer through examine the mysteries of Laurenn J. Framingham’s Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter: The Laughing Corpse: Book Three: Executioner. This time it’s #3, which–as shocking as it might seem–is the one where things actually happen! Grab your own copy and follow along!

0.0: The recent trend of giving the Anita Blake comics covers depicting scenes that I’d charitably refer to as “optimistic” continues with this issue, where Anita is clubbing zombies with a shotgun while hovering about a mile from the surface of the Moon:

This is in direct opposition to previous covers, like the one where Jean-Claude stood around with his shirt unbuttoned, which depicted exactly what happened in the issue. Admittedly, this one has more action than the rest of the series combined, but if anything even remotely resembling the image above actually happens, I will literally eat this comic book.

1.3: When we last left Anita Blake, she was being menaced by the Big Lebowski, who had just ordered the (oddly muscular) Brandt to beat seven shades of pale out of Anita, and since the issue picks up right after that, you know what that means:

Yep: Three pages of stretching.

2.1: All right, now you guys know I love Ron Lim. Straight up, that guy drew the issue of Infinity Gauntlet where Thanos killed all the Marvel super-heroes one by one, so the rest of his career could just be drawings of me getting punched in the face and I’d still think he was awesome. That said…

…I’m pretty sure this is less “jujitsu” and more Adolfo “Shabba Doo” Quiñones.

3.1: Hey Anita…

How about we work on “amusing” first and then see about getting up to “hysterical.”

4.1: And finally, the fight scene actually begins, and you know what? Given what’s happened over the past few years of me reading this, I’m actually surprised it only took three pages of buildup from a guy telling someone to throw a punch and that punch actually being thrown.

4.3: And now, Anita Blake being kicked in the face:

Yeah, yeah, I know: I already posted that panel last Thursday. Just let me have my moment.

5.3: You know, it took a while, but between the long, painfully boring buildup, the constant boasting about how badass certain characters are without any proof to back it up, and now–the final piece of the puzzle–speed lines, I’ve finally figured it out:

Anita Blake is totally the urban fantasy DragonBall Z.

7.3: Man, finally. I was worried that Framingham was going to leave “Smaller heroine kicks bigger assailant in the balls” off of the grand checklist of cliches that constitute the plot.

8.3: Finally, after thirteen issues, a monster shows up that’s actually scary enough to prove Laurenn J. Framingham once rifled through the Fiend Folio:

It is, of course, the work of murderous voodoo queen/wheatcake chef Aunt May, and this being Anita Blake, it shows up, stands there while Anita talks about it, and does absolutely nothing for the rest of the issue.

12.1: Seriously, the monster shows up and Aunt May spends three pages talking about how she made it, stopping just short of listing how many hit dice it has. Just a reminder: Laurenn J. Framingham actually got paid to write this.

16.5: Hey, you ever notice how the middle third of every issue of Anita Blake is just people standing around FOR LIKE AN HOUR? Of course you do. That’s why you let me read it for you.

18.4-19.1: There’s one thing you can say about a plot that moves like a glacier made of snails: It gives you a lot of time to remind your readers that hired thugs are people too.

19.2: In this panel, we’ve got the return of paraplegic prostitute Wheelchair Wanda…

…who I assume is brought back into the plot because, what with Anita smacked around and tied up having given up on escape after a bare minimum of action did not immediately result in her freedom, we needed a new baseline that would make Anita look like a strong female protagonist by comparison.

20.4: Finally, a chance to do some actual literary annotation!

In this context, the “strength” of Wheelchair Wanda’s arms (and the fact that they “have to be strong” because they’re “all she has”) is symbolic of her fragile emotional strength and the one shred of self-reliance on which she can rely. And I’m explaining this because if you had actually read this, there is no way in hell you’d believe someone put a metaphor that hamfisted into something for which people were actually expected to pay money.

22.4: And just when we thought we’d hit rock bottom, Anita is threatened with rape.

Those of you playing along at home have just hit Female Protagonist Cliche Bingo. For the rest of you, a piece of advice: Invest heavily in liquor companies before the next issue comes out; I get the feeling this one’s gonna be a liver-killer.

Ever since the end of the first series, where I procrastinated to the point where I was doing two issues at a time–hands down the most harrowing experience I’ve ever been through for this blog, with the possible exception of South of the Border–it’s been my policy to annotate the new issues of Anita Blake almost immediately after they come out.

Obviously this didn’t happen last week, for the reason that I’ve been doing The Worst of Netflix weekly and liveblogging Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight on Twitter as I read it, and there’s only so much terrible media a man can take at one time.

But no more delays! Tonight, the ISB Research Department settles in to tackle the ever-increasing mysteries of Laurenn J. Framingham’s Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter: The Laughing Corpse: Book Three: Executioner #2! Grab your copy and follow along!

0.0: This doesn’t have anything to do with this issue in particular, but on her website, series creator Laurenn J. Framingham has claimed that this series is, and I quote, “the first sexy paranormal comic ever!”

Hey, Laurenn? There’s a Vampirella calling on Line One to talk to you. And a Tarot on Line Two.

1.2: When we last left our alleged heroine, this book finally did what it had been avoiding for a year and actually had Anita in battle with a supernatural creature. This, of course, couldn’t last longer than a page, and–seriously–ended with the zombie just straight up leaving while Anita sat around in someone’s back yard.

And then other characters showed up so that, instead of involving themselves in any action that advances the plot, they can recap what happened literally three pages ago:

Now, I’ve mentioned the coma-inducing mind-numbing repetitive somewhat stilted nature of the book’s dialogue before, but to be fair, this scene was actually pared down to a drum-tight dialogue scene from the way it was in the book. Here’s the original draft:

ANITA: It spoke to me.

DOLPH: What do you mean it spoke to you?

ANITA: I mean it spoke.

DOLPH: To you?

ANITA: To me.

DOLPH: Out loud?

ANITA: And in English.

DOLPH: And you’re sure it was to you?

ANITA: To me.

DOLPH: What did it say?

ANITA: Words, words, words.

DOLPH: Cut the Shakespeare, Blake! The comissioner’s going to have my ass in a sling if we don’t bust this case wide open! Now tell me what happened here?

ANITA: It spoke. To me.

…and so on for another fourteen pages.

4.2: Hey, look at that: It’s only four more pages before something actually happens.

Yes, as shocking as it seems, Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter is actually actively hunting… well, one of the undead anyway, and if past experience has taught us anything, that’s about as close as we’re gonna get.

5.3: Oh my God, even the mindless killing machines in this book have soliloquies.

6.2: Hey Killer Zombie! Do your impression of Cobra Commander explaining the root of the mortgage crisis!

6.3: Okay, now Anita, you do your impression of my readers after that last joke!

These crazy kids oughtta take this act on the road!

7.1: And so, once again, Anita fails to do both the job that she is paid for in her day-to-day employ (resurrecting the dead and laying them to rest) and her unofficial, often-touted but never-seen “Executioner” duties; is rescued by more competent secondary characters who still defer to her at every opportunity…

…and then sits down and watches other people do what is ostensibly her job.

Y’know, it’s easy to see why these books are so popular with such a strong female protagonist.

8.3: On the bright side, this issue does give us a sneak preview of the cover art Ron Lim created for the new album by ISB favorite AxeWulf: Sweden’s Blackest Metal!

9.1: Well, it looks like that’s it. The flesh-eating zombie Anita’s been looking for for the past three mini-series has been dealt with, the evil voodoo queen/kindly aunt who raised him has been hauled off to jail, and this is clearly the “heroine recovers in the hospital” scene that always precedes the final wrap-up.

Could it be that this series is actually ending three issues (and 13 pages) early?! Why… Why it’s a Christmas Miracle!

15.5:

Oh Goddammit, there was a B-Plot wasn’t there?

16.3: Hey guys, check it out: Hey Anita, what did the five fingers say to the face?

Ha-ha! I’m Rick James, bit–what? It’s not 2004 anymore? Oh. Well disregard this note, then.

17.5: That’s right, folks: It’s the return of Harold Gaynor:

Gaynor, of course, is the character whose actions actually kicked off the phenomenally slow-moving plot of “The Laughing Corpse,” and if you’ve forgotten that, it might have something to do with the fact that he has not actually appeared in the comic since October of 2008.

19.1-2: You know, Laurell…

…if you’re going to characterize Anita as a super-tough badass by having her tell people that the last dude who messed with her is dead, you might want to wait a while so that we don’t remember that he’s dead because other characters came to rescue her after her own actions were completely and utterly ineffective.

20.1: It was at this point that I realized why it’s been so easy to make Big Lebowski jokes about this comic: The philandering Harold Gaynor is Laurenn J. Framingham’s attempt at doing Raymond Chandler’s The Big Sleep with zombies.

I feel stupid for not realizing that before, but I actually feel even more stupid now that I know it.

Halloween may be over, but like the restless spirits of the uniquet dead, the Anita Blake comics have risen into a new series, Laurenn J. Framingham’s Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter: The Laughing Corpse: Book Three: Executioner, and thus it falls to the ISB Research Department to cast the light of scholarship onto the many… well, let’s just call them the “intriguing” mysteries of the series.

To be honest, your humble annotator has been dreading this one, but it turns out that this is actually the most exciting issue of Anita Blake ever. Of course, that’s sort of like saying that it’s the most exciting pudding cup or Bob Ross’s most action-packed painting, but still, it’s an improvement.

Ah, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Grab your own copy and follow along!

0.0: In order to differentiate it from the other ten issues of the series, the third act of Laughing Corpse has been given the subtitle “Executioner.” Assuming the pattern that was set by Book Two: Necromancer (in which Anita did not perform necromancy) and Book One: Animator (in which Anita outright refused to do any animating) holds up, we can look forward to five more issues of our alleged heroine not doing exactly what it says she’ll be doing on the cover.

1.1: When we last left Anita, she and the cops had set about harassing local voodoo queen Dominga Salvador–who looks like Aunt May and talks like Razor Ramon–by throwing a witchity charm bracelet at her:

In retrospect, it’s easy to see why this sequence of events necessitated an entire new series to deal with it.

1.2-1.3: The police in private eye fiction are notoriously incompetent–after all, if they were any good, there wouldn’t be much of a need for the private detective in the first place–but Framingham’s St. Louis cops are particularly hard-up. Mostly this owes to the fact that they’re constantly seen as being even more ineffectual than Anita herself even though their biggest role in the story thus far has been to rescue her from zombies, but check this guy out:

From what I can tell from reading the comics, the Anita Blake books take place in a world where the general populace is pretty well acquainted with the supernatural. Anita herself has a legitimate day job where she raises zombies, and there have been multiple references to a landmark Supreme Court case that gave vampires legal standing. It’s a fact of life, and yet this dude is so shocked by the fact that a bangle made of human bones is lazily tromping across the floor that he has to mug like Wayne and Garth for the benefit of Detective Skinny Tie.

Quite apart from that, I’m curious as to whether the word “frickin’” appeared in the original novel. The series carries a Mature Content warning, but the strongest language I recall seeing in the series is a couple of s-bombs, so having it edited isn’t out of the question, and it would lend a little more contest to Aunt May’s anger than it does as a minced oath. That said, I’m not curious enough to actually go read the original novel and find out, so let’s move on.

2.1: Hey, remember when I said that Framingham’s SLPD were ineffective? Well it looks like I spoke too soon:

That’s right: He’s making the murder suspect stand in the corner. He’d love to put him on no-TV restriction, but IAB says he needs a warrant. Commie liberal bastards.

4.2: At this point, we’ve spent four pages in this issue alone (plus a handful of pages in LJFsABLCB2N #5) waiting for an old woman to admit to Evil Arts & Crafts. When I said this issue was more exciting than the others, I meant it in relative terms.

6.4: And now, a Writing Protip: If you’ve managed to get into the final act of your second book with a character without having her actually do anything that show why she’s your protagonist, here’s an easy fix:

Just have the other characters talk about how cool she is! Telling is pretty much the same as showing, and it’s not like anybody’ll notice!

7.2: At this point, the events of the story split, and you might be wondering if the narrative follows Dolph, who has to prowl the creepy-on-many-levels zombie sex den in Aunt May’s basement, or his partner’s interrogation of her nephew (who by my logic would be Spider-Man), which causes him to break down and spill the terrifying secrets of her entire operation.

The answer, of course, is neither:

Instead, we follow Anita, who sits patiently on the couch waiting for something to happen and occasionally quipping at a septugenarian. THRILLS AND CHILLS!

8.4: This panel is notable not just because something is happening–though in typical fashion, it’s happening off-panel while other characters react to it–but because Anita isn’t looking directly at Dr. Soulpatch as he shoves her out of the way and tries to stop the Darque Magick or Alien Invasion or Skateboarding Bulldog or whatever the hell is happening off-panel that the creative team didn’t think we were worthy of seeing:

She looks like she’s really into whatever’s on TV, and if Dominga’s anything like my grandma, we can assume the police raid is going down during a particularly intense installment of the 700 Club.

11.6: On occasion, your humble annotator will take it upon himself to attempt to improve matters with a bit of punched-up dialogue. Usually, this involves adding the works of today’s notable hip-hop artists, but this time around I think something else is more appropriate:

One can only hope that the creators take my suggestions to heart, and that we see Dolph transform from Hulk to Hollywood in the next issue.

15.4: The last five pages have centerd around Anita and the Keystone Cops fretting over whether they’d be able to bring Aunt May down without the evidence that she magically absorbed back into her body. And then it turns out that it’s all irrelevant because the other detective pulled some Vincent D’Onofrio-on-Criminal-Intent shit and got her nephew to confess.

In other words, the key moment of this entire story happens while the protagonist is bickering with an old lady in another room.

18.1: What’s this?! Anita’s actually pulled out her gun, and is pointing it at…

… a completely inanimate pile of garbage. Oh well, it’s a start.

18.2: At this point, Anita and the cops are alerted to the presence of that zombie they’ve been looking for for a year and a half by some screaming that is–wait for it–off-panel.

19.5: And now, while Anita is commando-crawling through what appears to be a miniature swampland that sprung up for no reason in the middle of the suburbs, one of the cops is injured. Again, this happens off-panel.

The amount of story events that occur in this book while we’re looking at Anita doing nothing would fill an entire, much better comic.

21.3: Holy crap, is that an actual monster?!

I think it is! And since it would be weird for a zuvembi to exaggerate his siblants for no reason, I can only assume that this is now a comic about Zombie Cobra Commander.

Did… did this just get awesome?

22.2: If you would’ve told me last week that the next issue of Anita Blake would have a scene where the main character acutally shot a monster, I would’ve called you the lyingest liar in Lietown. And yet, here we are. And with one more panel to go, surely this could be the moment when we finally get a cliffhanger with some suspense to it, right? Right?

22.3: Or maybe the Zombie will just leave.

The Framingham giveth, and the Framingham taketh away.

What a week it’s been for comics!

Not only did my own comic, Woman of A.C.T.I.O.N., make its print debut at this year’s Small Press Expo, but we also saw the release of the final issue of Laurenn J. Framingham’s Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter: The Laughing Corpse: Book 2: Necromancer!

Of course, this is assuming that you’re operating in a world where the word “final” means that there’s going to be yet another five-issue mini-series before we’re done with the same damn story, which itself represents less than 6% of the Anita Blake series entire. Which apparently we are.

But the ISB Research Department isn’t here to nitpick! We’re here to… well, I guess we are here to nitpick, but we assure you that it is for the highly scholarly purpose of exploring the many “fascinating” mysteries of the series!

Grab a copy of your own and follow along!

1.1: And it begins.

This is the very first panel of this issue of Anita Blake, and already we are faced with problems. Let’s take a closer look at that caption, shall we?

And now let’s have one more look at the art of the exact same panel which I assume will have Anita with her forehead “against the cool linoleum of the floor,” just as it says in the caption, which–again–is in the exact same panel.

Yep. It’s gonna be one of those issues, folks.

1.2: All told, I’ve been annotating the Anita Blake books since 2006. That is literally years of my life spent reading this book. Normally, this thought would be depressing enough to paralyze me in bed with an intravenous drip of Jack and Coke, but as the author is quick to point out…

…it is not a book about Anita Blake vomiting on corpses.

Yet.

2.5: Apparently the muder that Anita has spent the last two pages not investigating could’ve been prevented by a nieghbor, who, thinking it was a domestic dispute, chose not to get involved.

The irony of Anita Blake lamenting that someone else did not take action is staggering.

5.3: My only exposure to the universe of Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter is the comics, but apparently one of the key selling points of the setting is the way that supernatural creatures like vampires are treated in a more realistic fashion as it relates to the law. Which means that the only thing more frustrating than this scene, where the idea of a group of armed men chasing down a killer zombie is reduced to a procedural that occurs off-panel, is that there are actually people who think that’s a good thing.

7.1: Despite the fact that it’s actually just the middle third of a story that’s being stretched like salt water taffy, the number on the cover of this issue says “Vampire Hunter” and “5 of 5,” and it should, by all rights, be the action-packed climax of a story where at least one vampire is hunted.

Anita and Dolph have been talking in a goddamn bathroom for seven pages. At least it looks like the colorist is having a fun game of Tetris in the background.

8.3: Finally, a scene change with some potential!

Anita has brought another animator, John Burke, to the city morgue and I’ve got to admit, a morgue in a world of zombies and vampires that has machine-guns mounted on the wall to prevent a mass breakout is actually a pretty good idea. In fact, I’d venture to say that it fills me with hope for the rest of the book, because there’s no possible way that a story about corpses rising from the dead could have a scene where two people whose entire function is to raise people from the dead (including one for whom this is a primary source of income) could go to a place where there are a bunch of dead bodies and not get into some trouble, right? There’s no way this could possibly turn into thirteen more pages of investigation so boring it makes Matlock look intense, right? Right?

9.1: Son of a bitch.

10.5: Soulpatch aside, the man’s got a point.

Save your breath, Johnny. I’ve been saying that for three years now and they just don’t listen.

11.5: At this point, this story–which, remember, could have been about lost zombie pirate treasure–is now revolving entirely around a charm bracelet.

Also of note: Anita Blake, who uses a machete to slit the throats of chickens so that she can resurrect the dead, is apparently only casually into voodoo.

12.5: And now, my favorite panel in the entire series thus far:

How borrow indeed, Anita. How borrow indeed.

21.1: And nine pages later, after a medical examination that could’ve passed as the most boring episode of Quincy ever filmed, Anita and Severus Soulpatch up there finally leave the morgue so that they can go back to Aunt May’s house, presumably for wheatcakes:

And that is where this–which I remind you is the last issue of a mini-series–ends: With the heroine threatening an old woman in front of her grandchildren.

You stay classy, Anita Blake.

Ever since my laziness led me to go through two issues at once to catch up near the end of the first series, it’s been my practice to tackle new issues of the Anita Blake comics over the weekend after they come out. This time, however, there was a problem, as my Internet connection inexplicably died Saturday night, with no technicians available to check it out ’til Monday.

Could it be that fate itself didn’t want me reviewing the latest issue of Laurenn J. Framingham’s vamperotic “master” “work?”

Apparently not. Just when I’d resigned myself to another night devoted to Batman: Arkham Asylum, the connection popped back up, so I guess fate has decreed that I will once again suffer through another 22 pages for your amusement shine the light of scholarship onto the mysteries of the story. So, you know, I’ve got that goin’ for me.

Now on with it! Grab your own copy and follow along!

1.1: When we last left Anita, she’d taken a hooker back to her apartment with Jean-Claude, but like most things in Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter (up to and including the title), this is not as exciting as it sounds.

That’s right, folks: It’s another eight pages of talking. I have to say, though, as much as I’ve pointed out how this book tends to dwell on the aspects of vampire hunting that involve neither vampires nor hunting, I actually would’ve liked to see the scene where Jean-Claude goes into Anita’s room, looks around at all the stuffed animals (some of which have been poorly laundered recently) and just getting weirded out.

1.4: In this panel, Anita claims that she feels “like a bully.”

Considering that Bully the Little Stuffed Bull is mostly known for stuff like Ten of a Kind, 365 Days With Ben Grimm and other upbeat comics blogging rather than badgering weepy hookers, it’s safe to assume that she feels like Jimmy Hopkins, and regrets not picking the flowers in front of the Girl’s Dorm before starting a social interaction.

2.5: And now, dialogue!

The gun in question is Anita’s Firestar nine milimeter, last seen in the book’s most recent scene that involved something resembling action, which was five issues ago. As to why Wheelchair Wanda–and yes, that is the character’s actual name–feels the need to ask if it’s the same gun, and why this made it into both a novel and its comic book adaptation without being cut as pointless busywork for letterer Bill Tortolini, take it up with Framingham. I just read ‘em, folks.

3.5: Aaaaaaaaaand we have our first reference to torture of the disabled for sexual thrills as a plot point. Rad. Reference #2, incidentally, will come on page four, but as it’s a reference to torture of the disabled performed by the disabled, it’s probably a matter to be addressed separately. Preferably by someone far less sober than I.

5.4: Prepare your mind for a literary technique, son:

Wow. That is deep. But it should be noted that before the author decided to blow your mindwith that stunner of a revelation, the passage was originally written thus:

Gaynor had done worse than killer her. He had hurt her. And he wished to go on hurting her. He shall leave her as she left him, marooned for all eternity in the center of a dead planet… buried alive!

7.1: At this point, it is revealed that this story has been driven by–no joke–lost pirate treasure that can only be found by zombies. Seriously. Zombie pirate treasure. That’s what this is about. Pages upon pages of standing around, washing stuffed penguins, making coffee, identifying guns, and it’s all been going on while we could’ve had what is essentially the plot of a Monkey Island game.

There isn’t a word for the level of frustration I’m feeling right now.

7.4: Anita refers here to the “hornless goat” in the context of a voodoo ritual. In previous issues, this has been referred to exclusively as a “white goat.” Now I might be the only one to notice this–I certainly don’t expect anybody else to read these things four or five times–but come on: If you can’t keep your kooky made-up terms for human sacrifice straight, why the heck should I?

11.1-11.2: You know, there’s been a lot of this book devoted to Anita waking up and getting out of bed.

One assumes that by having Anita constantly waking up to bad news–last time zombies, this time… a phone call, though admittedly an omnious one–the author is trying to set up a recurring theme, although it’s more likely that chucking in a few panels of Anita sleeping is just the most efficient way of showing her literally doing nothing, as opposed to the countless scenes where it only seems like she’s lost consciousness.

13.5:

Yep: Shit on a roll. Exactly what I was thinking.

15.5: Whoa! That seems a little uncalled for!

Yes, Anita and Merloni the CSI spend the next five pages trying to gross each other out by throwing chunks of mutliated suburbanites–you know, evidence–at each other in what comes as close as we’re likely to get to conflict…

20.3: …and Anita decides to vent her frustrations by throwing around racial slurs:

Yeah. And you know who else turned his frustrations to racism? That’s right: Adolf Hitler.

I think you see where I’m going with this.

You know, I’d assumed that with the two month gap between the first and second issues of the series, Laurenn J. Framingham’s Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter: The Laughing Corpse: Book Two: Necromancer was going to be a bimonthly title. And yet, here we are with a new issue, a mere five weeks later. And it feels like only seconds.

But in any case, it’s out, and it once again falls to the ISB Research Department to do our scholarly duty by illuminating the many, many questions that the series raises (chief among them why it’s still getting published). However, at this point, I’m not doing it so much as a work of literary criticism as I am to further the cause of science, because if they can figure out how to actually make less happen in this comic, I’m pretty sure reading it will send you back in time.

So strap on a pair of goggles, do your part for SCIENCE!, grab a copy of your own and follow along!

0.0: The cover to this issue not only features a well-known landmark, St. Louis’s historic Hotel Necromancer…

…but has also introduced my new favorite supporting character:

The Hooker Who Regrets The Life Choices That Have Led Her To Be On the Cover of an Anita Blake Comic Book.

1.1: You know, far be it from your humble annotator to criticize, but when you’re trying to establish that your lead character is a badass without actually having any… whaddayacallem… oh yeah, events in your novel, you might want to shy away from first-person narration about how physically weak she is when compared to other characters, especially in scenes where she looks like a card-carrying member of the Lollipop Guild.

1.2: Despite what you may have heard about how every scene in a well-written work should reveal character or advance the plot, I assure you that this…

…is completely necessary.

2.5: Prepare for trouble… and make it do–oh my God are you for real?!

So let me get this straight. You’re telling me that not only were eight pages of this guy in the last issue not enough, but the entire function of Charlie was to show up and announce that he had obligations that were more important than the actual plot (which, at this point, is just about anything) so that Anita would have to go back in and have another five-page conversation that’ll be followed by six pages of riding in a car?!

Guys… I’m starting to suspect that this thing might not be very good.

3.3: I’m not sure what this has to do with questioning prostitutes, but…

…Anita is clearly asking for Backup, the recent Dresden Files novella by Jim Butcher, with a cover by Hellboy creator Mike Mignola. One assumes that Anita has finally decided to see what it’s like when an occult investigator actually does stuff and has entertaining adventures, which would seem to be a step in the right direction.

6.4: Just a reminder, folks:

Given that this is a comic book, and the readers are perfectly capable of seeing Jean-Claude’s eyes and determining what he looks like ourselves–I’m going to go ahead and go with “an extremely pallid Criss Angel“–then the only reason this caption was included is because someone thought it was so good that the story would suffer without it.

7.2: Jean-Claude mentions here that he can “feel the street”–seriously, he says that–but Framingham leaves it unclear as to whether or not he can also feel it comin’ in the air tonight, oh lord. What we do know, however, is that a drum solo certainly would’ve livened up the six-page drive through Downtown St. Louis.

10.4: As a novel, The Laughing Corpse was originally released in 1994, which has led your humble annotator to believe that certain dialogue, like Anita’s line in this panel…

…could do with a bit of sprucing up:

11.4: Pffftahahahahaa!

Yeah, Anita, I don’t think that’s going to be much of a problem.

11.1: Anita, if you’ll remember, brought Jean-Claude along to the Red-Light District in the hopes that his intimidating presence would keep her from being harassed by the rabble. Jean-Claude, if you’ll recall, is wearing a frilly poet shirt open to the waist and a pair of thigh-high leather boots.

This is not, it would seem, a very menacing look. I mean, I think I could take that guy out, and in case you missed it, I’m a comics blogger. We’re not a very threatening bunch.

15.4: Okay, I’ve got to admit: This panel got a genuine, non-ironic chuckle out of me.

The prostitute in question is, of course, Wheelchair Wanda, the former girlfriend of The Big Lebowski Harold Gaynor that Anita’s been looking for for about eight issues now, for reasons that–as someone who has read every page of this series multiple times–I’m still not quite clear on.

16.2: Yeah, about this.

Don’t hold your breath, sweetheart.

Unless you were rocketed to Earth from the dying planet Krypton, chances are you’ve had the experience of removing a Band-Aid, and you’ll be familiar with the generally accepted wisdom that it’s better to just get it over with quickly rather than drawing out the process any longer than necessary. The anticipation of pain can often be worse than the experience itself.

In a related story, it’s been two months since the release of an issue of Laurenn J. Framingham’s Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter: The Laughing Corpse: Book Two: Necromancer, which has apparently switched to a bimonthly schedule to draw out the suffering as long as possible better accommodate the rigorous demands of producing a comic where nothing ever happens. But when an issue does hit the shelves, you can rely on the ISB Research Department to step in to provide a scholarly examination of its many, many mysteries.

So please, grab your own copy and follow along!

0.0: According to the last-issue recap, the various non-events of the series thus far are “forcing Anita to go on the defensive.” If there’s a better summary of the driving action of this series than the events beyond her control leading our “heroine” to stand around waiting for further events beyond her control, then brother, I’d like to hear it.

1.1: As it turns out, the “Laughing Corpse” of the title is actually a comedy club:

Putting aside the fact that “The Laughing Corpse” would be a better name for a tavern where a hardy band of unlikely heroes are contracted to put an end to a local kobold infestation, this actually establishes a pattern, as the first series–Guilty Pleasures–was named after a vampire strip club. If the theme of naming her books after local drinking establishments holds up, I look forward to the next installment: Laurenn J. Framingham’s Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter: The TGI Friday’s Down By the Airport.

2.2: Most comics make an attempt to hook the reader right from the start by throwing some Big Action into the first few pages. LJFsABVHLCB2N, however, takes a different route, so thrill as Anita bulldozes through any obstacle in her path with the ancient art… of politeness!

In future issues, brace yourself for the chilling action of Anita drinking eight to ten glasses of water every day and waiting an hour after eating before getting into the pool!

3.1: I’ve made something of a point of the fact that nothing ever happens in this comic, but just in case you thought I was exaggerating, I’d like to point out that Anita’s spent two and a half pages waiting in line at a club and asking to speak to the manager.

Two. And a half. Pages.

4.4-4.5: All right, at this point, I can’t even keep the veneer of faux-scholarship up, because of this nonsense:

In order to characterize Anita as the tough, no-nonsense heroine that she so desperately aspires to be, this scene shows Anita talking about how if she gets tired of waiting, why, she’s just going to march right in there and give that effete vampire a piece of her mind, which of course is met with a reaction of pure awe at her toughness from some minor character. Which is fine, except that–and I refer you to the point above–she doesn’t do that. What she does is sit around for another nine fucking pages waiting patiently for James from Team Rocket to pencil her into his busy schedule.

That is bullshit.

You can’t just tell your readers that someone is a total badass without actually having them do something to back it up every now and then. Otherwise, you’re just creating the impression that your main character is an all-talk pompous windbag that caves at the first sign of any actual pressure, which is actually completely supported by the evidence we’ve been given. It’s a cheat, and unless we’re meant to equate Anita with the fat kid from elementary school who talked about how he had eighteen black belts and could totally beat up anyone but went out like a punk to a Macho Man Randy Savage Elbow Drop from the jungle gym, this is not a good thing.

Moving on.

5.3-5.4: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… comedy:

Admittedly, I think this guy’s actually supposed to be a lousy comedian, but I think this is a very revealing scene, as it shows that since Jean-Claude has become the Vampire Master of St. Louis, the talent coordinator at the Laughing Corpse has been replaced by someone who totally sucks at his job.

6.6: And thus, our comedian discovers the advantage of using a ventriloquist dummy rather than a zombie in his act: Neither one is going to be funny, but there’s a decent enough chance that the dummy isn’t going to try to eat your flesh.

In either case, this is the scene depicted on the cover, where Anita leaps in to save the comedian by applying a chokehold to the zombie and physically wrenching him away from the victim. In the actual story, however, it goes a bit more like this:

Yep. She talks to it. And it stops.

Also of note, the fact that Anita’s narration offers a hasty, defensive explanation for why she actually did something instead of just sitting around.

8.2-8.3: As an annotator, it’s my job to point out bits of dialogue that can reveal something about the creators. In this case…

WILLIE: I never liked zombies.

ANITA: Are you afraid of zombies?

WILLIE: No.

ANITA: You’re afraid of zombies. You’re phobic.

…we can learn that Laurenn J. Framingham owns a thesaurus. And possibly that she learned to write by reading The Super-Dictionary.

11.4: I have read every issue of the Anita Blake comics. God help me, I have read them multiple times, and written pretty extensively about each one.

I have no idea who this character is.

12.3:

You know, I think we all need an “escort to the tenderloin” every now and again. Am I right, fellas?

12.7: Oh wait, he’s that dude who works at the bar. Way to create a memorable supporting cast!

14.2: Prepare for trouble…

…and make it double.

Yes, after nine pages of sitting around his comedy club, Anita finally comes face to face with her sworn enemy, and then they start discussing art. Seriously, it’s an entire page of talking about the painting on the wall. That’s Anita Blake: Vampire Hunter, folks. Ask for it by name.

16.1: Oh my God will you look at this guy.

Jean-Claude is wearing leather pants with thigh high leather boots on over them. If you saw this guy walking down the street, you could be late for your own wedding and you would still turn around to follow this guy for blocks until you could get a good shot with your camera phone.

16.2-16.3: Racking up another mark for Anita’s rep as the hardcore “Executioner” is this scene…

…where she can’t hold a conversation with her nemesis without getting distracted by his chalk-white pecs.

17.1: Oh my God.

18.3: They’re just going to talk to each other about nothing for the rest of the issue, aren’t they?

19.4: Yyyyyyyyyup.

20.2: zzz

21.4: zzz

22.6: zzzhuh? Oh, it’s ending? No, it’s okay. I’m up. Okay, what do we have here…

22.7: You know, with the lack of action pretty much a foregone conclusion at this point, you have to think that the Anita Blake series is succeeding on its other merits, like the strong characterization, dialogue and interplay…

…which in this case appears to be lifted directly from Jimmy Olsen and Perry White, circa 1957.

Fantastic.