As I mentioned last night, I thought it might be a good idea to liveblog the latest issue of the inimitable Tarot, Witch of the Black Rose on Twitter as I read it, mostly because I love to find new and exciting ways to put off writing my posts.
In any case, people seemed to like it, so for those of you who missed out last night, I thought I’d go ahead and post an expanded version of it here. So please, join me tonight for Tarot #56: The Liveblogging Experience:
Page 0: Okay, here we go with TAROT #56. I got the cover where she wasn’t shyly covering her rack, ’cause it’s more empowering that way.
Page 1: Tarot wakes up and immediately starts masturbating. Meanwhile, a spider with a skull on it alights onto her breast. Seriously.
Page 2: Well, that’s a handy recap, for those of you who were finding the plot of Tarot to be a little too confusing.
Page 3: Behold! PLANET SLAYER!
Man, this comic is not very well lettered. (Sorry, Holly)
Page 4: Tarot talks about how she hopes the sun (you know, the one in the sky?) likes seeing her naked.
Page 5: That is one close-up shot of a vagina you’ve drawn there, Jimbo.
Page 6: “Though the world may ridicule women for the the size of our breasts, I will remember it is only a reflection of their immaturity and lack of education.” Touché, Tarot. Touché.
Page 8: Tarot has been taking a bath for five pages.
Five.
Pages.
Page 10: “I guess that fairy doesn’t know the reputation Pooka has with chasing them. She’s messing with the wrong goblin cat.” Or, to put it another way…
Page 11: I’m not sure that one plays a pan-flute by just shoving one entire end in one’s mouth, but then again, it ain’t my comic.
Page 13: And thus, Tarot is bewitched by Pan to perform a striptease against her will. Remember that time that PREVIEWS said this was the most female-empowering book on the stands? Good times.
Page 14: That’s a hell of a description of an erection you’ve written there, Jimbo.
Page 16: Oh no wait, here’s the empowering part: “BACK OFF OR I WILL FRY YOUR HIDE!” “AHHHH, IT STINGS!” “GOOD! IT’S SUPPOSED TO!” And yes, that is actual, award-winning dialogue from what these guys have determined is the best independent comic book of 2008.
Page 18: And it is at this point that this issue of Tarot has officially become The Legend of Zelda With Tits.
Page 22: Gasp! Tarot’s cat has been stabbed by fairies! WITH POISON! This is the cliffhanger.
Page 23: And here’s a two-page article on “Tonya’s Kayos Magick,” with a bunch of pictures of a naked girl that I assume is Tonya. Oh hey, it’s about Sigil Working! You too can increase sales on The Invisibles
And mercifully, that was the end.
I would like for my voice to be the first in the inevitable choir demanding you sell us that “bitches don’t know” shirt.
Bless you. Bless your brave heart.
I think I saw Tonya kayo Magick during Foxy Boxing night at the Gentlemen’s Club.
Nice to hear she’s getting some appropriately empowering magazine work. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go write a dope-ass rap about my fairy chasin’ goblin cat.
Chris, I’ll go one better. Tarot is officially Tits, with The Legend of Zelda now.
……aaaaannnnnddd now I’m wondering what Link really meant by “I can’t wait to bomb some Dodongos.” Thanks. You just HAD to use that metaphor.
Okay, Al Crowley called it “Magick” to differentiate it from stage magic, and Pete Carroll started calling it “Kaos” while he was on his latin kick, but I’m drawin’ the line at “Kayos” unless your working has something to do with chocolate milk.
Play them off, Goblin cat.
Grant Morrison-styled, masturbation-powered Sigil Magick does explain so much about this book’s continued publication.
Am I the only person who likes to read Tarot while listening to Mojo Nixon? Besides Mojo Nixon? Try Chis’s last recap while “I’m Gonna Dig Up Howlin Wolf”
I don’t care how long he’s been dead, Howlin’ Wolf could still beat up Mojo Nixon.
And that’s a really foul description of a boner. Makes me think of a tapeworm, somehow.
I usually read Tarot while jammin’ out to Frenzy, Zac. Nothing goes as well with Ameri-hentai as Skid Roper on the washboard.
Hey! Listen!
Someone’s masturbating!
I wasn’t masturbating! Honest!
No mention of how Pan (or whoever he is) is fairly heavily inspired Pan from Pan’s Labyrinth?
I mean, I know they would naturally look alike but I swear Tarot Pan’s eyes are exactly the same as Pan’s Labyrinth’s eyes.
Pan!
This is a high benchmark that you’ve set.
Best comic review of 2009 thus far.
Thank you sir.
GQ, aren’t those a goat’s eyes? Not really prima facie for plagiarism. Anyway I don’t believe that Balent’s influence by anything. He’s his own man, may god have mercy on his soul etc.
*influenced
Was Batman watching you guys masturbate, too?
Best t-shirt ever. If at least 700 people are not wearing that t-shirt at the next San Diego Con then there is something wrong with the world.
Why haven’t we had a Tarot v. Anita Blake crossover yet? Or is that one of the signs of the Apocalypse?
I really, really want that shirt.
Your. Vagina. Is. Haunted.
Sorry, Chris, but that watermark is just a tad too high.
Morrison just asked Invisibles fans to wank to increase sales. Tarot actually provides them something to wank with to increase it’s sales.
“Page 18: And it is at this point that this issue of Tarot has officially become The Legend of Zelda With Tits.”
I would play this game. As would many, many, many other people
just to make this clear this comic is about the British alt-country gal who’s friends with Jack White? Seriously?
As with your scholarly annotations of Laurenn J. Framingham’s thigh-tastic opus, Mr. Sims, I’m glad someone is reading this comic with all the seriousness and gravitas it deserves. Just as long as it ain’t me.
You honestly can’t go after Tarot enough for me… please do this more often.
As usual, you provide stellar entertainment with abysmal material to work from.
I’m curious as to how Mr. Balent has dared to use one of the members of KISS as a villain, however; surely he remembers their comic career and would not dare anger them.
As a former staff writer for Project Fanboy, I’d like to clarify that Tarot was nominated and voted as best indy book of 2008 by the readers of the site, not by the folks who run the site.
I’m sure that will be taken into account when Project Fanboy’s staff is being tried at The Hague.
That was fantastic.