The 100% True* News Report From the San Diego Comic-Con!

As you might have heard, San Diego’s Comic-Con International is in full effect this weekend and the biggest stories of the year are breaking fast. But if you’ve been reading them at any of the major news sites, you’re not getting the whole story. Thus, I’ve once again employed my incredible journalistic talents to bring you the hottest, most exclusive, and definitely true* news from San Diego!

 

Television

 

  • The biggest pre-Con news came, of course, from the BBC, which last week finally revealed photos of British actor Matt Smith as the new Jimmy Olsen!

     

     

    The casting of Scottish actress Karen Gillan as Lucy Lane has caused a bit of a stir among die-hard fans as she’s a redhead, while the Lucy of the comics was a hateful bitch.

 

Marvel Comics

 

  • Dark Reign continues to be the driving force of the Marvel Universe, with things set to ramp up this winter as Norman Osborn takes things to a mystical extreme when he sets his sights on the legendary Book of Sins in Dark Darkhold!
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  • With War of Kings burning up the sales charts, Joe Quesada revealed on Friday Morning that Marvel’s cosmic action will finally return to Earth! But with the fate of the galaxy hanging in the balance, how does Norman Osborn factor into the Raptors, an ancient brotherhood dedicated to destroying the Nova Corps? Find out in January, when Dan Abnett, Andy Lanning and Lee Moder bring you Dark Darkhawk!
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  • She was disco in the ’80s and Flashdance in the ’90s: now Allison Blaire’s ten-year lag in co-opting pop culture catches up with her when she goes goth in Raven Gregory and Sam Keith’s Dark Dazzler!
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  • Of course, all this news pales in comparison to the huge Marvel announcement on Friday afternoon that set the room abuzz. Finally, after years of legal troubles and muddled reprint rights, they’ve made a deal to acquire one of the greatest characters in comics history that saw his finest moment under the legendary Alan Moore, giving us the reprint we’ve all been demanding.

    That’s right, folks:

     

    KOOL AID MAN IS BACK!

 

DC Comics

 

  • With the success of Wednesday Comics and its redefining take on the newspaper-sized 14″ x 20″ pages, DC has announced their next amazing weekly project: Bedsheet Comics!

    “Our hope is to recapture the glory of reading comics under the covers by flashlight,” said Executive VP Dan Didio, “Only this time, you’ll only need the flashlight!”

    Bedsheet Comics will feature a roster of all-star creators like Mike Mignola and Guy Davis doing stories of DC’s greatest heroes printed on fully functional 81″ x 96″ 100 thread-count cotton, with six “linen-sized” pages hitting shelves every Wednesday at $9.99 each. Readers may want to take note, though: Our sources have confirmed that in Kurt Busiek’s Green Lantern, the title character only shows up on the pillowcase.

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  • With the incredible success of Art Baltazar and Franco’s Eisner-nominated Tiny Titans, DC has announced a plan to create more kid-friendly titles based on popular properties. First up–and sure to delight young readers with its spooky fun–is Johnny Constantine: Li’l Blazer!

 

 

Independent Comics

 

  • One of the biggest announcements of the convention so far was the formation of a new publishing company founded by dot-com millionaire Jimmy Wales and publisher Gareb Shamus: Wikipedia Comics: The Free Online Comic Books That Anyone Can Edit!

    “Using the same technology that has made Wikipedia the most popular reference work on the Internet [1],” said Wales, actually going so far as to pronounce the citation tag aloud, “we’re going to create the most popular comics on the Internet by giving control directly to the fans themselves. And since anyone can contribute, the possibilities are endless. There could be a collaboration between Alan Moore and Steve Ditko! And that’s exactly what we’ve been telling the potential shareholders we’ve been meeting at the con.”

    “No longer will it be necessary to go on a message board and complain about a story,” Shamus added later that evening, visibly swaying as he leaned on the open bar at the Wikipedia Comics launch party. “You don’t like how the story ended? Go in and change it. Give Spoiler all the God-damned cases you want, kids.”

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  • Nowhere was the blending of comic books and other media more apparent than at the Image Comics booth, where it was announced that in the tradition of Tyrese Gibson’s Mayhem and Milo Ventimiglia’s Berserker, they’re proud to announce an upcoming comic based on Tyler Perry’s Madea!

    And what’s more, they’ll all be featured in one gigantic star-packed mag!

     

     

There it is, folks: Exclusive, completely true* news that I guarantee you won’t be finding anywhere else.

 

*: Truth percentage may in fact be exaggerated.

45 thoughts on “The 100% True* News Report From the San Diego Comic-Con!

  1. Someday Wikipedia will be standing outside your house in the rain, holding a boom box playing “I Want You Back (This Refers to the Jackson 5 Single; For Other Uses See ‘I Want You Back (Disambiguation)’)”. And Wikipedia will be all like “*I* was the one who wasn’t worthy! I know that now! Please come back to me!”

    And then Wikipedia will be struck by lightning and die, and we’ll all laugh and laugh.

  2. Mostly I’m just alarmed to find out that the Thirsties not only show up regularly at the baseball field but have their own orbiting space station! Jesus, Kool Aid Man, how did you let that shit happen?

  3. Why aren’t you in San Diego this year, anyway? That con must now such at least 20-23% more. I’d use a visual aid to explain but I don’t know how to put pie charts in comments.

  4. That was of course supposed to read “must now SUCK”.

    At the risk of being unpopular, the reporter places the blame squarely on YOU, the viewer.

  5. “Our sources have confirmed that in Kurt Busiek’s Green Lantern, the title character only shows up on the pillowcase.”

    Thank you ever so much for that soda out the nose moment, Sims. Ouch.

  6. Wow! I thought I was the only one who’d heard about all this stuff! Chris, I don’t know about you, but I’m really super excited about the upcoming Dark Darkhawk/Dark Dazzler crossover where they fight Dark Cloak and get stuck in the Dark Darkforce Dimension. I hear it’s going to be a really light, funny book.

  7. Can I use the “I Want You Back (Disambiguation)” link to check out the Hoodoo Gurus song of the same name instead? There’s less accidental immolation-based baggage that way.

  8. That’s got to be the best alt-text heads-up in living memory. Thanks Chris, and thanks whoever scanned and uploaded HATE #30!

  9. I would totally buy a book with the Darkhold in it. It’s like every non-suck part of the 90’s is coming back!

  10. I can’t believe “Joey Q” let me down and didn’t announce the return of ROM. Oh wait – I can.

  11. Karen Gillan has been cast as “Amy Pond” in Doctor Who…. not “Lucy Lane”

  12. EVACUATE THIS SPACE SHIP!!! I’M GOING TO DESTROY IT!!! OH YEAH!!!

  13. “Karen Gillan has been cast as “Amy Pond” in Doctor Who…. not “Lucy Lane””

    Is this ironic or not? It’s getting so you just can’t tell anymore.

    Stupid internets.

  14. “Is this ironic or not? It’s getting so you just can’t tell anymore.

    Stupid internets.”

    It was not meant as Ironic. It’s me not getting the “Joke” on the first reading…

  15. As excited as I am for the Essential collection of Kool-Aid man, I was hoping DC would have had a Showcase edition for the TRS80 Computer Whiz Kids.

  16. Unless Amy Pond is a totally bad character, Freema/Martha just got pushed down to #2 hottest companion, which in turn sends Nicola/Peri, the companion she beat, to #3.

    And it’s about time Marvel started listening to all those letters and e-mails I never sent. Essential Kool-Aid-Man will be the best thing they ever produced in years without Tobin or Parker’s name on it. (Jeff, not Peter.) Now we just need Essential Solarman.

    (Wish I remembered what happened to my copy of KAM #2. I’ve at least seen it, but I was sure I bought it.)

  17. Love the tags on this one, Chris.

    Also:

    >Karen Gillan has been cast as “Amy Pond” in Doctor Who…. not “Lucy Lane”

    SUPERBOY-PRIME DETECTED! BATTLE STATIONS!

  18. Chris, can you confirm the rumor that the creators of Smallville have decided to make it not suck next season?

  19. Fuck you man, I was actually believing this whole post until I got to DARK DARKHAWK. At this point i scrolled down and read the Kool-Aid part and got sorta relieved.

    you got for a minute there though

  20. Chris, can you confirm the rumor that the creators of Smallville have decided to make it not suck next season?

    Patently impossible. That show now has it’s own gravitational field.

  21. Smallville is rumored to be renamed ‘Big Black Hole’, as it continues to implode and suck into its own sucky suckenstein gravitational field.

  22. Can I say that the line “she’s a redhead, while the Lucy of the comics was a hateful bitch” is a terrific, woefully underappreciated non-sequitur? More to the point, can I say it without coming across like a snooty egghead who gets beaten up a lot?

  23. “I’d for serious buy L’il Blazer.”

    Mini Constantine by Chris Giarrusso would be money.

  24. Or bedsheet comics published by Eros – so every time you change your sheets you get a fresh set of porn (although I could see that setting up a viscious circle).

  25. Instead of having cancer-riiden lungs fixed by demons, Heckblazer probably made a pact to fix his child-onset diabetes from his chain lollipop eating habit.

  26. Another correction: this “Amy Pond” and whoever that young fellow is with her must be starring in the new series of Sarah Jane Adventures. The kids today seem to like watching people their own age (13-14) solving science-fictional mysteries!

  27. “Or bedsheet comics published by Eros – so every time you change your sheets you get a fresh set of porn (although I could see that setting up a viscious circle).”

    Spag Hoops-
    I don’t know whether you meant “vicious” or “viscous,” but I really like the latter for its awesome Freudian implications, although it would probably be Broadsword Comics who would produce bedsheet comics first.

  28. I must have read that exact Kool-Aid Man comic like thirty times as a kid. Don’t worry, guys, with the help of a couple of clever kids, Kool-Aid Man totally takes care of those Thirsties and everything works out just fine.

  29. “It was not meant as Ironic. It’s me not getting the “Joke” on the first reading…”

    By being man enough to come back and admit that, I declare you to be the most mature person on the internets. Nice work (Clarification: no irony).

    Now to mroe important matters:

    “Unless Amy Pond is a totally bad character, Freema/Martha just got pushed down to #2 hottest companion, which in turn sends Nicola/Peri, the companion she beat, to #3.”

    So freema/martha being a totally bad character didn’t affect her position, but you wont give Amy the same benefit? That doesnt seem fair.

  30. I would totally pick up Essential Kool-Aid Man.

    Someone really needs to give him an Ultimate remake. Can you imagine how evil the Scorchies would become?

  31. I didn’t think Martha was a bad character. I just thought the whole “I’m in love with the Doctor” nonsense was part of the reason I give Russel T credit for bringing the show back and little else. But I’d end up clogging the comments going into more detail. Note she was much better once she moved on with her life.

  32. I don’t think I’m outa line when I say these comments sections on Mr Sims’ work have been clogged by far worse things before… but I’ll merely agree with your final point, and add: Romana 1 ftw.

    And yeah, lil’ blazer would be printing money.