Today I received an email that may well change my life.
Here, take a look:
I know you have seen our first film, Batman: Defenders of the Night. Perhaps you have seen our second film, Batman: Dark Betrayals. But I am about to unleash upon you what only a few men have ever seen before. I give you the final chapter in our legacy, Batman: Return of the Dark Knight.
Be careful in this journey. Do not underestimate the power you hold.
Yes, friends, your eyes do not deceive you: Not only have I gotten an email from Robin himself, but the epic trilogy that began with Batman: Defenders of the Night has finished.
And rest assured, friends: I do not underestimate the power that I hold:
And now, my commentary:
0.16: Apparently, Batman’s delivering this monologue via satellite from Brazil.
0.54: Okay, seriously: If you can tell me that this line…
“Our major products last year were smoke bombs and grappling hooks! You’re our only cusomter for grappling hooks! People don’t want grappling hooks, they want iPods!”
…is not the funniest joke about Batman and his corporate holdings ever written, then you are both a fool and a liar.
1.31: Bruce Wayne: International Playa.
1.36: The fact that Bruce Wayne’s would-be girlfriend finishes her line, snaps her phone shut, and then smiles directly into the camera makes me believe in joy again.
2.15: Believe it or not, there was a brief period in 1948 where “the Sinister Cuban” was listed at the forefront of the Dark Knight’s Rogues Gallery, thus confirming the filmmakers’ constant commitment to accuracy. Also, probably the most awesome fight music in the history of cinema.
2.53: Ah, the famous Gotham City skyline, with its towering three-story buildings.
3.05-3.50: BEST. ALFRED. EVER.
4.06: I wanted my commentary to be more than just quoting lines from this video and saying how awesome they were, but c’mon: “I ain’t comin’ back! I’m a lawyer that makes $30,000 a night!”? That is awesome.
5.18: What can I say about this video’s Joker that hasn’t already been said about Australian cult film icon Yahoo Serious?
5.36: These galoshes strike for justice!
7.04: At this point in the film, Batman and Robin inexplicably start speaking directly to the camera and giving updates on their search for the Joker. Why? No idea. Maybe in the movie, Batman and Robin have a popular reality show or something. Man, this thing’s got more layers than Heart of Darkness!
7.46: Walgreens paid an estimated $4.6 million for product placement in this movie. Starbucks? $8.9 million.
8.47: The Joker’s “What did I do to you?!” seems like just normal super-villain whining at first, but now that I think of it, I’m not sure what the Joker did to make Batman come after him. Sometimes you just gotta punch a clown, I guess.
8.56: Once again, Robin is inexplicably homicidal, but judging by his huge grin when Batman takes the gun away, I think he’s glad he didn’t pull the trigger. Also glad: That newspaper salesman from 2 minutes ago.
9.25: Have I mentioned my pure, undying love for this Alfred?