Just So We Know Where We Stand
July 21, 2008 | Posted by Chris Sims
Based, of course, on Marvel’s Coolometers, specifically the one from July, 1991 (as seen in Punisher War Journal #34), which marked the turning point for voguing.
Categories: Amusing Myself, Remix | 
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64 Comments »
Yeah, F*CK centaurs. (like, in a derogatory way, not sexually. that’s gross.)
How can anyone who dresses like this (http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y240/SnarkFree/Cos5.jpg) be so low on the coolometer? I swear, you can be so unfair to Terry!
Whoah, sudden inspiration/shame: I just realized that “coolometer” was probably supposed to be pronounced much in the same way as “thermometer,” with the stress on the second syllable. Here I’ve been pronouncing it with the stress on the cool: “cool-o-mee-ter.” To save face, I think I’ll also pronounce it as “thermo-mee-ter” from now on and pretend I just never knew any better.
Unless you’re into that. And if you are, I’m sure Laurell K. Hamilton has something for you.
#3 in response to #1. Oops.
Wait, the phrase “Geek Chic” was being thrown around in 91? I was there in 91 and I distinctly remember my junior high just referring to me as “that fucking nerd.”
I always hated the Coolometer.
AND I STILL DO.
of course, i dont know you. but perhaps you were lacking the “chic” part of the equation?
also, sushi and twin peaks on the uncool side? that is just not right.
I’m pretty sure Genki Sudo is un-ironic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRjCfdJbb6g
You made a mistake, Sims. You swapped Dazzler rumours and Gordon Lightfoot.
Also, I think Wonder Man’s recent sheenanigans with Ares ought to bump him up some.
What did The Robot ever do to you, Chris? Did you get served?
Dio. YES.
Before I even clicked the link I was thinking that the only coolometer I could remember was the one with Regis and Kathy Lee at the bottom and you know what 17 years later it still rings true… Both of them thought the Dark Knight was too long WTF!!!
Hey. When Wonder Man punches a guy, he stays punched!
And you accidentally left assplosions off the list.
GYMKATA only slightly cooler than Olympic curling?!? That’s absurd…which means you have perfectly nailed the tone of these things, which I used to POUR OVER when I was a kid. Kudos.
But what about Sectaurs?
Explosions, cooler than SEXplosions? I think not, sir.
Dio isn’t high enough on the list. I DECLARE THIS COOLOMETER INVALID.
Right clicking is uncool? What are you, a Mac?
Heck, I’m GLAD I was too young to remember a time when Bell-Bottoms, Voguing and Ponytails on men were UNcool.
My Dad embodies all three at once.
Olympic Curling actually just makes it into the cool section? Never would have guessed. Once again the Super-Blog sets me straight on an important issue. Thank you.
So Penn & Teller were actually cool in July 1991? No. I refuse to accept that. Marvel Comics is lying to you.
How can Dio be so high on the Cool-o-meter? If it weren’t for him there wouldn’t be Coheed & Cambria. A band that did a video featuring centaurs. Explain that Sims! EXPLAIN THAT!
I love that Marvel had the honesty to admit that Quasar was just barely cool at best.
I have an issue where the Coolometer is pronounced uncool. THIS LIST IS NULL AND VOID
I was going to declare this meter invalid as it does not include The Dark Knight anywhere on the scale. But then I realised this must be a cheap dime-store model, which just doesn’t have readings that high.
Sectaurs will always be cool. And need a serious toy revival.
Gymkata needs to be just under bacon.
Yakmallah!
Does the Baron Karza-taur count as a centaur for purposes of Sims-loathing?
Not that I’m trying to inspire a post about the Micronauts or anything. Heck, no. I bet Chris has NO opinion about them.
Does “Dudes who dress like stormtroopers” include those who do it to bring joy to a child’s face?
I’m glad that no one is debating the placement of bacon at the very top of the coolometer. That is a given.
I prefer my bacon to be warm and crispy, actually.
Hey kids,
Read our comics and then go get hammered on your parents liquor, because getting drunk on a weekday is cooooooool.
Oddly enough, the strangest and most wrong headed selections from both Coolometers are both in the third position.
Your list:
Ronnie James Dio? Really?
Their list:
Bare knees? Really?
Does “Dudes who dress like stormtroopers” include those who do it to bring joy to a child’s face?
Especially them.
So…do you want this Centaur bacon or not?
I guess no matter what decade you’re in, Wonder Man will always suck.
“Morgan Says: I love that Marvel had the honesty to admit that Quasar was just barely cool at best.”
Hey kids! Do you like softball and geographic undesirability? Then you’ll feel indifferently about QUASAR! Nine out of 10 readers say QUASAR is “meh…”!
Also: There is nothing uncool about Wonder Man. Nothing.
Also: There is nothing uncool about Wonder Man. Nothing.
You’re wrong and probably stupid and I think I hate you.
If loving Wonder Man is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right!!!
I think what Chris is saying is this:
If Wonder Man got into a fight with a bunch of centaurs this month he’d actually have to root for Simon Williams. Or forfeit coolness for all time.
Also: Everything is uncool about Wonder Man. Everything.
*fixed
I use to love the coolometer, but especially in looking at them nowadays! Never understood how they came to those conclusions (as some were just completely off the way). I always imagine those Bullpin meetings were awesome, just coming up with what 20 items will be ranked that day. As random as the wind
In Wonder Man’s defense, he HAS been down too long in the midnight sea.
Dazzler movie? It’s a joke right? Please tell me it’s a joke.
Re: Wonder Man
When your absolutely best costume, in a long history of costume changes, makes you look like a douchebag ’70′s morning drive time AM disc jockey who keeps a coke spoon in one of the pockets of your cherry-red safari jacket, or on a gold chain tucked inside your turtleneck sweater, you’ve got some coolness problems, friend. Don’t get me wrong. That IS his best costume. He looks like the archfoe of Dr. Johnny Fever on WKRP in Cincinatti, but it is his best costume. He either wears bracelets because he knows in his heart that he’s named after Wonder Woman or because he saw Power Man doing it and thought it would give him street cred, but either way, it’s still his best costume. His claims to fame are: that he’s scared of dying, even though he comes back more often than an X-Man; the Vision’s brain is based on his, for some reason I’ve never understood; and he is one half of Marvel’s answer to Bob and Bing, Wonder Man and the Beast (BTW, is there some reason they always meet in Avengers? Does Hank not want the other X-Men to meet his cool pal Wonder Man for some reason?). He was some kind of failed businessman before he got superpowers and decided to become an actor, at which time he hooked up with a writer, the lowest form of Hollywood life. Everything about the guy screams “Mid-Life Crisis.” Is there an interesting character there? Maybe. Is he cool? He is not.
At least he’s had some cool shades.
Thanks Tim,
Now I am going to have the images of a Dr. Johnny Fever comic in my head for the rest of the day.
Seriously, there’s gold there.
So… who is Gordon Lightfoot? I’ve heard the name before on Homestar Runner, and from the context I guessed it was either a reference from the War of Independence or Homestar making up stuff again.
Curling? Only middlin’ cool? Nay, I say!
So… who is Gordon Lightfoot?
Another failed attempt at Canadian dominance of pop music.
(That said, I like Geddy Lee.)
PS
Professor Edward Tufte presented a definitive proof at the 1993 National Risk Management Education Conference, showing that Coolness cannot be effectively represented in 1 dimension.
“So… who is Gordon Lightfoot? I’ve heard the name before on Homestar Runner, and from the context I guessed it was either a reference from the War of Independence or Homestar making up stuff again.”
A pop singer/songwriter from the 70′s. His most famous songs involve telepathy and a disastrous ship crash.
Wait a minute…when I put it like that…Hell, Gordon Lightfoot is cool!
Wonder Man has the potential for coolness, but yeah, I’ll agree that he hasn’t been handled well for most of his history. But I like him anyway. Maybe some of the Beast’s coolness rubs off on him.
(The Beast, presumably, dropped from above bacon to below centaurs based on the “new look” Grant Morrison gave him, which makes him look like powdered ass.)
Dio belongs near the top of that list this year or any year.
I like Cat-Beast, and think he looks awesome when a) he’s chasing after Kid Omega’s crew in Riot At Xavier’s or b) when he’s wearing his snazzy Professor Indiana Jones outfit in the Whedon/Cassaday run.
Another pro cat Beast vote, although it’s kind of a moot point since Chris got there first. That said, I do have to know, John: a) What is powdered ass exactly? b) Why did you put new look in quotation marks? “Are” “you” just “throwing” them around “arbitrarily”? Oh, and c) I thought it was fashionable to blame Quitley for the new look when you bitch about it.
As someone who like bacon, the Crimson Guard, Gordon Lightfoot, and Wonder Man, I come out just about average.
Which makes me Curling.
Shouldn’t Panic!at tbe Disco be on there somewhere?
Shouldn’t Panic!at tbe Disco be on there somewhere?
That would require constructing a Kelvin Coolometer, and those are beyond my resources.
a) Powdered ass would be, presumably, ass that has been ground down into a fine powder (presumably after dehydrating it, so as to make it less messy to grind so finely.) I would further presume that you reconstitute it quickly by adding water.
b) “New Look” always feels like a phrase that should be in quotes to me. Blame the people who always talk about “New Look” Batman. It’s just a yellow oval, people. Nothing to get excited about.
c) On the contrary, I think Quitely designed a version of the Beast that looked pretty interesting when he drew it, but which nobody else has been able to make look anything but ugly. Likewise, it made sense for Morrison’s storyline to have the Beast be even more alienated and morose, but nobody else has been able to do anything good with the idea, and it’s time to go back to the Beast when he was, y’know…to get back to the central topic of this…cool. :)
Terry Moore should be at the bottom. Painful covers to Spider Man Loves Mary Jane. Ech.
Please, the Middleman would eat bacon for breakfast!
…
You know what I mean!
When there’s liiightniiiiing, you know it always brings me dooooown…