Music To Take Over the World To

Like a lot of culturally savvy guys in their mid–sigh, okay, late–twenties without much musical talent, I spend a lot of my time thinking up Good Band Names. I mean, there’s always a chance, no matter how small, that I could go out on the night of the full moon, meet the Devil at a crossroads, get him to teach me guitar at the cost of my immortal soul, and land a recording contract, and in this increasingly hypothetical situation, I’d need a solid handle for my band to really have a shot at cracking the charts.

For the record, I’m currently going with Deadliest Of Foes.

What I don’t think about, however, is the kind of music I’d actually be playing, probably because I just assume that when you bargain with the Devil, you end up with either Mississippi Delta Blues or Hardcore Death Metal. But really, the underlying concept of the band is even more important than having a snappy name, whether it’s something as simple as “four-piece guitar rock” or “retro-60s wall-of-sound Girl Group,” or as complex as “a nine-man hip-hop juggernaut based around classic kung-fu movies” or “galloping, epic barbaric Norwegian thrash metal.” Don’t get me wrong, having the actual talent helps too, but knowing where you’re starting from tends to make things easier.

Unfortunately, while I was coming up with names like “Hooray for Gooba” and “The Batwitches,” somebody else came up with the single greatest concept for a band that the world has ever seen: The GI Joe Killaz.

 

 

Renamed after a C&D from Hasbro as just “The Killaz,” are a three-piece group where a guy in a metal mask and a really hot brunette rap in character as Desto and the Baroness.

 

 

And yes. Cobra Commander is their DJ.

 

 

Pure. One hundred percent. Genius.

I’ve known about them for a couple of years, ever since Kevin hipped me to the fact that there was a band made almost explicitly for my tastes, but aside from the three tracks you can grab on their website, it wasn’t until Faithful Reader David Bédard found a copy of their CD up in Canada and sent it to me for my birthday that I was able to hear the whole thing and believe me. It’s awesome.

Aside from the general songs about life on the streets and/or in Cobra Command, the best bits on the album are the ones where they take an episode of the cartoon like “Money To Burn” and build an entire track around them. To repeat: This is a CD where Stacy and Des bust rhymes for three minutes about Cobra Commander’s plot to use radiation to burn all of the paper currency in the world and replace it with his own money.

Looks like we have a new Best Album Ever. Suck it, Revolver.

Which isn’t to say that the other songs on the album aren’t great: “The Seduction,” wherein plans are laid out for defeating Roadblock (“I got my sight set on your machine lever / I think I’m burnin’ up with a case of Jungle Fever”) and Jinx (“Runnin’ towards me swingin’ two ninja swords / Drop the blades, drop your clothes and drop to the floor”) is fantastic, and in “Python Patrol,” they go through Cobra’s hierarchy and even manage to include the fact that Crimson Guardsmen are all college educated with lyrics that are not only funny, but are a pretty solid cut above other so-called “nerdcore” novelty acts.

Or at least I thought they were, but since it’s got a section where the Baroness is rapping about the Televipers, I could be a little biased.

Probably best if you judge for yourself. Believe it or not, the album is actually still available on Amazon, and as a public service, have a listen to my favorite track, based on one of my favorite episodes of the show (which is also available for download on their site, if you want to kill somebody else’s bandwidth):

G.I. Joe Killaz – Eau De Cobra (6.75 MB, 192 kbps mp3).

Because the only thing better than the Baroness making a mind-control perfume to steal money from a billionaire on a cruise ship is Destro rapping about it.

32 thoughts on “Music To Take Over the World To

  1. Dude, you totally got that Axewülf record with the embossed blood printing, too? Sweet!

    Also: WHO SPILLED THE JUICE ON THE CAMOFLAGE COUCH? Was it Stacy?

  2. This just made the entire hip-hop concept album I wrote about Monark Starstalker look like a piece of crap. Months of writing a combination of McCabe and Mrs. Miller and Deltron 3030 plus a robot falcon all reduced to so much unwieldy gibberish! Mad propz, G.I. Joe Killaz!

  3. If you can tell me that they have a song about the episode where Stormshadow gets Excalibur I’ll probably have to find a way to budget to buy the album…

  4. “Deadliest of Foes” is pretty good, but it pales in comparison to “Vince Klortho and the Keymasters”.

    Seriously, that name alone is worth a platinum record.

  5. So are you aware of the band ‘Man Factory’, Sims? With their Street Fighter 2 songs? ‘Chun Li Suite’ especially is rather ace.

    Oh, and please bear this in mind: in a lyrical war, I got rhymes that hammer like Thor.

  6. I actually want to get together a bunch of teenage girls and make them into a band, ruthlessly exploiting their innocence and lack of show-biz savvy to make myself a pile of money with calculated disposable pop hits.

    Why? Because then I could name that band “Manic Pixie Dream Girls”, and isn’t that worth it?

  7. Well, this makes the Butthole Surfers’ cover for Underdog look like pretty weak soup.

  8. Well, I’m certainly going to have to incorporate this group into my musical entitled “Uncommon Dignity: The Life and Times of Soldier Boy, Esq.”

  9. My band will be Screaming Wall of Mollusks.

    Alternate band name: Special Guest. So that when we open for someone, the announcement in the paper reads: “Friday 8PM at the Shoreline — Neil Young with special guest… Special Guest!”

  10. If you like band names, I hope you’ve read King Dork. It’s the best book about band names ever written.

  11. Damn.

    I guess it’s back to the drawing board with imaginary band names “Shaolin Punks” and “X-Ray Specs”.

    Destro and the Baroness rapping over Cobra Commanders beats is incredible. Just incredible.

  12. Tom -

    Hate to break it to you, but there have already been at least two bands named the Special Guests. The one I knew, in New York in the mid ’80s, later became the Five Chinese Brothers. Both bands recorded versions of the classic “Paul Cezanne” (though I prefer the Special Guests version), the best song about a painter I know other than the Modern Lovers’ “Pablo Picasso.” And indeed I first saw the Special Guests when my cousin and I showed up at a bar called the Dive and several guys were sitting on the steps. They asked, “Who are you here to see?” We said, “Whoever’s playing.” They said, “Well, you’re here to see the Special Guests.” We said, “Who are the special guests?” They said, “We are.” (Also playing that night: The Aquanettas.)

    A search on All-Music Guide turns up another band called the Special Guests, as well as a gospel group called Special Guest.

    I always wanted to have a group called Live at. Then we could name our albums “the Budokan,” “Madison Square Garden,” “Your Mom’s House,” and so on.

  13. When I first studied in Japan I decided that my friends and I would start a band that I dubbed: “Buddhas in Space.”

    Our first, self-titled album would feature an image of the Buddha in your classic 1950′s scifi rocket ship blasting through Saturn.

    We were all going to use pseudonyms based on buddhas from Japanese style Esoteric Buddhism. I was going to be lead as “Dainichi Nyorai” and my friend would be drummer “Jizo,” among others. It all fell apart when we all came to accept the fact that none of knew how to play an instrument.

    And yes, I know I’m a big dork. But I’m still going to use Buddhas in Space *someday*…

  14. A few other entries:

    Smorgasborgnine
    Stukas Over Bedrock
    Pepto Dismal

    (From the Michael Bastedo Collection.)

  15. My buddy Glenn and I have recently started a band called “Alex Chiu and the Immortals”

    go to alexchiu.com and the funny will settle in pretty quickly.

  16. Band names you come up with later are always better than names you actually call your band…

    Ive been in The Rye Catchers (the Australian, not the Canadian) for ten years, but have also played in:

    The Butler Did It, Night On Earth, and The Red Cents.

    But Ive never got to use better fake names, like Doc Chaos and the Orderlies (one day!)

  17. Vinny and the Grenadines
    Trick Dick Nixon’s Five O’Clock Shadow Government
    Closing Early (for hilarity in gig posters)

    Does no one share Chris’ excitement over the GIJ Killaz?

  18. Cobra Wants You has to be my fav, and the one I all ways play to people to convert them to the Joe-Killin’ Kause.

    Look, people. They describe their music as Lazer Gun Rap. Their stage show at one point involved beating up a guy dressed as a Joe on stage. There is no way they can lose.

  19. Because the only thing better than the Baroness making a mind-control perfume to steal money from a billionaire on a cruise ship is Destro rapping about it.

    comments like this are why you exist.

  20. I was briefly known as Count Rapula. I have an ever growing list of band names I find amazing but never actually get to use. No metal band had even used the name Witching Hour until I decided I wanted to call my band that, then like four sprang up about that many years later. I’ve just decided to start giving my fantastical band names out to people who I think have a better chance of using them than I do. No luck yet, who names their band Warbringer when you could have Witching Hour? Jerks that’s who.

  21. I cry foul on any “Baroness” who doesn’t wear glasses. Without glasses, she just looks like another Suicide Girl in camo. She would get extra points for dying her hair black, instead of just dark brown.

    Speaking of the Baroness, Chris, have you read “Dogby Walks Alone”?

  22. Oh… Holy shit, this is the coolest thing the internet has ever given me. Not only is it a rap trio consisting of the most ineffectual terrorists ever, it seems that they even have Captain America working as some sort of roadie.

  23. For years, I assumed the GI Joe Killaz only existed within the confines of the Something Awful Baroness competition. 7 years later, Python Patrol will have company in my play-list.

    Many different units to maintain Cobra control.