First things first:

Okay, now then: Holy crap, you guys! I don’t want to build these things up to much, but this week had what was quite possibly the greatest line-up of new comics releases since Invasion! #3!

I mean, just look at it!

A new Alan Moore book, Scott Pilgrim, All-Star Superman, Fables, Ostrander on Suicide Squad, Luke Cage back in yellow silk… There’s even two comics starring the Punisher! Not even a double-shot of Judd Winick and the second issue of Simon Dark can slow a week like that down!

But then again, that’s just what it looks like on paper, and tonight, the Internet’s Most Exciteable Comics Reviews have to tackle the question: can it possibly live up to the hype?

Short answer: Yes.

Long answer: See below, my friends.

Comics

All-Star Superman #9: You can probably attribute this to the fact that I grew up with the Post-Crisis Superman, but I’ve always been biased against stuff like the Bottle City of Kandor and Supergirl, since I think it takes something away from Superman as a character if he’s not actually the last Kryptonian. It wasn’t until this issue, however, that I realized I was equally averse to other Kryptonians because they are all, without fail, total dicks.

Not that this should really be news to anybody: From the Phantom Zone Criminals on down to third-stringers like Dev-Em and Kru-El, they’re a pretty sketchy gang of super-powered aliens, and even Kandor’s emergency look-alike squad made it their mission in life to screw with Lois Lane whenever they got bored, so I think it’s safe to say that with this issue, Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely are simply carrying on the proud tradition of total Kryptonian jerkery.

And it’s great. In the aftermath of the underwhelming Bizarro World story from the past couple of issues, this one is a return to true form, and I love every page of it. I love that Bar-El and Lilo are so far removed from humanity that they don’t even seem like the same species as Superman, and I love that they’re such incredible tools that they break the moon out of spite, then fix it by tearing up a bunch of national landmarks. I love that Superman never stops trying to help them, and I love that he’s just so good that they all end up having a happy ending. And I love that for Bar-El and Lilo, a happy ending means having a whole new bunch of people they can boss around and beat up at their leisure.

And perhaps most of all… I love that features Steve Lombard, whose commitment to being a total jackass rivals even those of Krypton’s finest.

Oh, and incidentally, in case you missed it in the commments of last night’s post and aren’t familiar with the Glaswegian Penal System, ISB reader Nick Davidson had this to say:

“Only Grant Morrison would write about a Kryptonian prison guard called Bar-El. Bar-L is the colloquial name for Barlinnie, a a high-security prison outside Glasgow. Nice one, Grant.”

Nice one indeed.

Atomic Robo #2: I was a pretty regular reader of Brian Clevinger’s 8-Bit Theater from its inception up until my interest in the comic–aside from Sword-Chucks–finally collapsed under the weight of it being an adaptation of Final Fantasy 1 starring a wacky cast of characters, but even towards the end, I’d drop by more to see what Clevinger was doing on the side than to read the comic itself. The biggest of these, of course, was his novel, Nuklear Age, which is promoted on the website with the simple fact that the word “dwarf-a-pult” is used in its pages over twenty times. Clearly, Clevinger’s onto something here.

And with Atomic Robo, it all comes barrelling through on the comics page. Clevinger’s a talented, funny guy, and when you take a script where the main character (a surprisingly genial 83 year-old robot built by Nikolai Tesla) explains how he defeated a group of gigantic insects with the phrase “I just used my violence on them” and add in Scott Wegener’s excellent art, the result is a comic that reads like pure distilled fun. Admittedly, there’s nothing in this issue that quite matches up to the scene from #1 of Robo going about his business underneath a dogpile of terrified Nazis, but it’s still well worth checking out.

Batman and the Outsiders #1: I’ll admit it, folks: I like Chuck Dixon. I’ve mentioned before that Dixon’s run on Nightwing was always one of my favorite titles during my misspent youth, and while the vast majority of his work tends to be incredibly formulaic, it’s a pretty enjoyable formula that made for some truly enjoyable reading back when he was writing all the second-tier Bat-titles.

That said, I really wasn’t expecting a whole lot from this one, especially given the bait-and-switch from DC that saw it originally solicited as being a Tony Bedard/Koi Turnbull joint that was suddenly announced as actually being done by Dixon and Lopez. After all, you see something like that, and it’s pretty hard not to imagine that Dixon got it based solely on the fact that at this point in his career, he can knock out a Bat-team script in about fifteen minutes and change.

Thus, low expectations were had, and brother, low expectations were met. Aside from Julian Lopez’s art (which is actually pretty nice, especially if it was a rush job), this thing ranks a solid mediocre, pushed towards awful thanks to the fact that Metamorpho’s still rolling around in dress pants and what might be the worst attempt at tough-guy dialogue ever, “That is one bad burrito.”

Also, there’s a scene where Batman refers to a lesbian couple as having–and I quote–a “special relationship,” which is exactly the kind of squeamish metaphor that I can picture Batman using under exactly zero circumstances. And that just about sums it up, I think.

Booster Gold #4: And on the flipside, a book I had some pretty low expectations for that I’m actually enjoying the bejeezus out of.

It’s not often that I read a title for four issues without commenting on it here on the ISB, but it wasn’t until after the first couple of issues had come out that I picked them up, and since I was off when #3 hit the stands, this is really the first chance I’ve had to mention it. Some of you may remember that I passed on this one when it was originally solicited, owing to my growing disenchantment with Geoff Johns and the fact that I don’t have much love for the character, but it got to the point where it was being recommended to me from so many angles that I felt I ought to at least try it out, and whaddaya know? The darn thing’s a great little read. And believe it or not, it’s gotten through four entire issues and there hasn’t been one graphic dismemberment. Yet.

If I still had any lingering doubts, however, they were pretty well dealt with last issue, which saw Skeets riding a horse and Booster getting drunk with Jonah Hex and then ramming Rip Hunter’s time sphere into the Flash’s Cosmic Treadmill. And that really gets to the heart of the matter: I love the DC Universe, and this is the first comic in a long while–since Stars and S.T.R.I.P.E., probably–where I can see Johns’ unabashed affection for it come through too. But then again, maybe that’s just the presence of cowriter Jeff Katz coming through.

Either way, it works, and Katz, Johns, and the art team of Jurgens and Rapmund are delivering a very, very fun comic. I mean really: This issue’s got Booster Gold, Rip Hunter, and Skeets facing off against an Evil Booster Gold, an Evil Time Master, and an Evil Skeets–a phrase which I’m pretty sure I’ll never get tired of saying–and if that doesn’t spell excitement, than maybe they oughtta suplex some gorillas.

Fables #67: At this point, reviewing Fables is a lot like reviewing water. It just goes without saying.

Still, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that Willingham and Buckingham are doing a flat-out amazing job on this book, even by its usual high standards. “The Good Prince” has been nothing short of excellent, and if it stays this good through its conclusion, it’ll knock out even Homelands as my favorite story of the run. I could go on about it for hours, but one of my favorite aspects of it is the way that it cuts back to Fabletown, where everything has come to a complete stop while they crowd around the mirror to see the events of the story unfold.

And the readers are right there with them: Thus far, it’s the payoff to the first five years of the book, first with the shadowy Adversary, then the turning point that came when the guy who had to be made a janitor just to keep him out of trouble became the leader who was one step ahead of everyone. It’s been masterfully done and beautifully drawn, and as unlikely as it sounds, it’s continuing to make Fables a book that I enjoy more and more each month.

But like I said: By now, that’s all just a foregone conclusion.

House of M: Avengers #1: In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have been so leery of this one. As I’ve mentioned before, Christos Gage and Mike Perkins’ previous collaboration on Union Jack was a great read, and Gage’s other work on titles like Stormwatch PHD continues to be highly enjoyable. But seriously, you guys? House of M was awful. Just awful.

Which, I think, is a testament to how talented these guys really are: They’ve taken the central conciet of that story–a world ruled by mutants where “regular” humans are the persecuted minority–and brought together a team of Marvel’s great street-level non-mutant characters that would probably be my first choice for Avengers in any continuity. I mean, just look at ’em: You’ve got Power Man and Iron Fist (of Power Man & Iron Fist fame), Moon Knight, Hawkeye, and… Well, Tigra, but they can’t all be winners. And even better, they’re all in a great story that, if nothing else, boasts some truly excellent one-liners. Here’s hoping the rest of the series lives up to the first issue.

Marvel Adventures Hulk #5: For those of you who might not realize it, allow me to hip you to a little bit of knowledge: Now that Jeff Parker’s off of the Avengers title, Paul Benjamin and David Nakayama’s kid-friendly version of the Hulk has smashed its way to the top to become the best Marvel Adventures title–and thus, one of the most purely enjoyable comics Marvel’s putting out. And it’s great.

And this issue especially. Admittedly, #2 might still hold the Best High Concept title with a story involving the Hulk getting Jamie Madrox’s powers and becoming Multiple Hulk, but this one has one crucial advantage. Because this is a story where Dread Dormammu of the Dark Dimension possesses the body of Rick Jones’ pet monkey. One more time, for those of you in the back, that’s Dormammu possessing a monkey, and then vexing Dr. Strange and the Hulk with the unstoppable power of the Mindless Ones.

Paul Benjamin, you are a genius.

The Punisher #52: I mentioned a while back that I don’t even really bother to review the Punisher anymore because Garth Ennis has, for the past few years, settled into a repetitive but very enjoyable formula designed to introduce characters so desperately in need of killing that the audience sides immediately with the cold-blooded mass murderer who stars in the title. Not that there’s anything particularly wrong with that: Ennis is a good enough writer that he can he can twist such a formula to get results from the incomprehensible (Widowmaker) to the brutal and infuriating (The Slavers), but still: a formula’s a formula, and they tend to get a little repetitive after a while.

Which is why I think it’s worth noting that the last page of this week’s Punisher had me gasping out loud in shock. I mean, man. Not to spoil it for those of you who haven’t read it or anything, but if that actually happened–and I’d like to point out here that there’s actually no visible body, just blankets–then I’m pretty sure that’s a first in my comics-reading career. But even if it’s just a trick, it’s nice to know that Ennis can still pull one off like that with a scene that just socks you right in the gut. Although I do wish he’d throw in some bearfighting every once in a while. Just for old times’ sake.

Punisher War Journal #13: I already mentioned how thrilled I was that we were getting two comics about the Punisher today, right? Okay, well, excuse me for a second while I bask in the vengeful radiance.

Ahhhhhh…

Right then. In the second part of tonight’s Frank Castle Double Feature, Cory Walker–who you might remember as the original penciller of this little indie book called Invincible–joins up with Matt Fraction for a story that, as far as I’m concerned, is about as close to the perfect Marvel comic as you can get.

Seriously: This one’s got it all, from what could accurately be described as a Kool-Aid Man reference gone murderously wrong to Spider-Man kicking someone in the face while lecturing them about inappropriate behavior (see above) to–and I can’t believe I’m about to type this–a great, well-written, well-drawn scene with Domino, of X-Force fame. It’s mind-blowing, and it all makes for an incredible, fun read that you all ought to be getting. Because really, there’s just no reason not to.

Salvation Run #1: I’ll admit that I was a little surprised to see that last night’s post generated as much discussion as it did, since I pretty much just stopped in to let you guys know I was going to be reading some comics instead of writing about them, but I think that says a lot about the quality of stuff that came out this week–or at least, the high anticipation for ’em. That said, I was even more surprised to see a couple of people extolling the virtues of Salvation Run, because… Really?

Don’t get me wrong: If you liked it, more power to you, but for me, it just kind of sits there, demanding that I make sense of it and offering very little in return. I’ll admit that I had my doubts to begin with, and I really only signed on to see what Bill Willingham could do with it, and it looks like the answer there is “not much.” It’s not terrible by any stretch of the imagination, but at this point it just seems like a thoroughly pointless exercise in aping Planet Hulk with a bigger cast, and that’s not really giving me a reason to stick with it.

World War Hulk #5: So: Spoiler Warning!

I hate the Sentry. Can’t stand him, especially over the past couple of years, when he–a character who fundamentally does not work except as a mildly interesting metaphor in a self-contained series–has been a focal point of a major arc despite never actually doing anything.

That said, the big throwdown with the Sentry and the Hulk in this is not only the best use of the character in, let’s say “ever,” but I’ll be honest: I thought it was awesome. I’ve heard other folks decrying it for being an anticlimactic end to such a huge story, but I don’t see it that way. I like that Hulk makes his point and then is immediately set off again by Tony Stark’s massive series of screwups, I like the big reveal that essentially amounts to the Hulk being a bad role model, and maybe most of all, I thought those sound effects were great.

I mean sure, I’ve seen people get hit hard enough to sound like “KRAKADOOM” before, but I have never seen anything that would necessitate a sound like “Sppppjjzzzzzz.” Well, outside of an Eros comic, anyway. Point being, I have no idea what you’d even have to do to make sounds like that, and I think that’s the point: This is a fight so ridiculously insane that you’ve never seen anything like it. And, well, I got a pretty nice chuckle out of “GRGGPAKK!” too.

But getting back to the meat of the story: The best moment by far–probably the best moment of WWH entirely, as far as I’m concerned–is the scene where the smoke clears and it’s just Bruce Banner and Bob Reynolds beating the living hell out of each other. Again, it’s something you don’t see all that much, and it takes the metaphor that their relationship is based on and drags it right out to its logical extreme in a way that still has the visceral appeal of… well, of two guys punching the crap out of each other in the middle of an explosion.

And really, that’s all I ever wanted it to be.

Trades

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: The Black Dossier: Alan Moore and Kevin O’Neil’s latest volume of English Lit fan-fiction hit the shelves yesterday, and brother, I’m pretty sure this one qualifies as a tome.

I finished The Black Dossier up this afternoon, and while I’m usually able to snap off a verdict pretty quickly, I’m actually not sure how I feel about it. Make no mistake: This isn’t something that really lends itself well to a fast judgement, and it’s definitely one that asks an awful lot of the reader. After all, it’s mostly text–including a relatively brief piece that encompasses the history of the world–done in different styles, representing the items found in the Black Dossier itself. The characters read it as it’s presented to the reader, from a lost Shakespeare play to government reports filed under Big Brother’s regime to Victorian erotica to what I can only describe as Propaganda Porn, and I’ll be honest: Sometimes, it’s a fight to finish every densely-packed page full of characters that I’m pretty sure are only known to Jess Nevins, Hero of the People.

I was about to say that there’s obviously a lot of thought put into it, but that’s probably the stupidest thing I could write about this thing. It’s by Alan Moore. Of course there’s a lot of thought put into it. That guy probably put a lot of thought into Violator/Badrock. Best to move on.

Anyway, as hard as it is to read, it’s not without its rewards: There’s a heck of a lot to like in it, especially in what is unquestionably my favorite piece (and also probably the most fan-fiction-ish of the bunch), wherein P.G. Wodehouse’s Bertie Wooster inadvertently does battle with H.P. Lovecraft’s Cthulhu in what is unquestionably the greatest literary team-up the 1920s could’ve offered us, done in the style of one of Wodehouse’s short stories.

It’s a great piece of work and it’s a lot of fun, but even as I was reading it, I couldn’t help but think that I would’ve enjoyed it a lot more as a comic than a text piece. No matter how it’s dressed up, it’s still a secondhand account of the action, and it only got worse when I read the “after action report” of the big battle between the English, French, and German Leagues.

In a lot of ways, it reads like Alan Moore had so much fun doing the Allan Quatermain story that ran as a backup in LOEG v.1 that he decided to invert the formula, making the text the focus and the comic a secondary concern, and I won’t deny that, as someone who loved the first two volumes enough to have the Absolutes and the Annotations, that I came away more frustrated than entertained in a lot of places.

To be fair, though, it’s a beautiful presentation. The different paper stocks, the layouts, the elements of the book that actually do feel like a jumbled file crammed with information, they’re all top-notch, and surprisingly, the 3D effects are really well-done. Just, y’know. Make sure to pack a lunch.

Scott Pilgrim v.4: Scott Pilgrim Gets It Together:

If you haven’t already, do so immediately.

And that’s the week! And I think it’s safe to say that yeah: Things were just about all right this time around. As always, questions, comments, missives, and presents–especially those pertaining to the fact that Wonder Woman totally German Suplexed a Gorilla this week–can be left in the comments section below.

Now that the storm of controversey has passed, it’s time for us all to step back, join hands, and come together as one once again. Because really, if there’s one thing that can unite us all, regardless of language or borders, it’s this:

A common love of a good old-fashioned foot-based tooth-loosener.

That’s right, folks! It might be coming at you a day late, but with a boot to the chops like that at the top, you know you’re looking at the Internet’s Most Often-Imitated, Never-Duplicated Comics Reviews from the ISB!

Here’s what I picked up this week…

…and what Thursday Friday night would be complete if I didn’t get right to the action?

Comics

Annihilation: Conquest – StarLord #4: With the last installment of the prologues and the first issue of the main series released this week, Annihilation: Conquest is shaping up to be one of the best Marvel crossovers since… well, since Annihilation, actually, now that I think of it. In any case, a lot of that has to do with StarLord, where Keith Giffen and Timothy Green II prove that you can produce an “event” tie-in that not only works on its own as a great story, but also stands as one of the most fun adventure comics in a long time.

It’s a book that more than lives up to the potential of its concept, and considering that its concept can pretty much be summed up as “The Dirty Dozen, but with Rocket Raccoon, Groot, and Bug from the Micronauts,” that’s saying something. And Giffen just runs with the concept for four solid issues, lacing the story with his customary humor and clever plot twists and ending up with something that’s far more entertaining than the sum of its parts. And it doesn’t hurt that it’s a gorgeous book just to look at, either: Green, inker Victor Olazaba and colorist Nathan Fairbairn do some absolutely incredible work here, with distinctive, stylized pages that never look silly, even though they’re depicting a space-war involving a talking raccoon and his friend the giant tree. It’s just a great book, and not only is it the most enjoyable by far of the Annihilation titles–which, truth be told, are pretty good company for any comic to be in–but it’s easily one of the most fun mini-series Marvel’s put out all year.

Astonishing X-Men #23: If there’s one thing we enjoy here at the ISB–aside from, you know, comics where Batman beats the crap out of a bear or something–it’s a story with a good trick to it. As much fun as it is to piece things together and figure it all out before the big reveal, the surprise of seeing a story where the heroes run a scam on the villains and the reader at the same time is always a joy to see.

Of course, none of that matters if the trick doesn’t work, but with this issue of Astonishing, Joss Whedon got me hook, line and sinker without one bit of cheating, and came away with a perfect example of why this book’s been so fun. In a way, it’s a lot like Ocean’s Eleven, except that instead of getting a shot of Brad Pitt’s smiling mug after he pulls off the heist, it’s got Cyclops just wrecking some dude with his optic blasts, and really: Which one do you think I’d rather see?

The only problem, of course, is that the actual setup for the trick came out back in August, and while that’s not an insurmountable lapse between issues (especially given Astonishing‘s track record to date), I had a hard time recalling that the scene repriesed in this issue’s Big Reveal had actually happened already until I went back to check. Still, it made for a good read, but at this point, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that Astonishing‘s still the best X-Men title on the stands.

Except First Class, I mean, if only because that one’s awesome and comes out on time.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer #8: So in this issue, Eliza Dushku takes a bath with a super-powered heiress, then puts on a white shirt and wrestles Buffy in a swimming pool. Review: Over.

Okay, so there’s slightly more to it than that, including the face-kicking depicted above, some well-done character moments, and the type of great cliffhanger ending that Brian K. Vaugahn’s known for, but let’s be real here for a second. If the concept of girl-on-girl pool-wrestling that actually happens for at least a slightly plot-oriented reason doesn’t appeal to you, then you’re probably not going to want to read Buffy anyway.

Criminal #10: Ed Brubaker and Sean Philips bring another brutal crime thriller to a close with this issue, and it’s exactly the kind of gut-wrenching conclusion that shows just why Brubaker got the Eisner for Best Writer, and why Criminal got it for Best New Series.

Not that Brubaker’s a slouch on his other titles or anything, but when he’s workin in crime drama–like Scene of the Crime, Sleeper (also with Sean Philips), and even his relaunch of Catwoman–there’s a passion for the genre that comes through just as much in the story itself as it does in the essays he (and others) write in the backmatter regarding their favorite crime films.

It’s a book that consistently works as a beautiful example of the medium, where everyone’s out for revenge, and most of them wind up getting it whether they needed it or not, and it’s a shame that this is going to be the last issue ’til February of next year, owing to the fact that Philips needed time to get Marvel Zombies 2 pencilled. All things considered, I think I’d rather have Criminal, but Philips certainly doesn’t shortchange his readers on the way out: Like every issue so far, his heavy, moody artwork suits Brubaker’s story perfectly, with a sequence that might just be the start of Philips dethroning Kenichi Sonada as the King of Car Chases.

Which, of course, is no surprise at all. It’s two great creators on a book that’s well beyond good every time it comes out, and if you haven’t read it already, you really ought to.

Groo: Hell On Earth #1: Sergio Aragones is probably one of the few comics creators who it’s likely that you can be a huge fan of without ever actually reading any of his comics. At least, I’m hoping that’s likely, because otherwise it’s just me.

As should surprise nobody (especially given the presence of a massive hardcover of Don Martin’s work on this week’s shopping list), I’ve been a fan of MAD Magazine for as far back as I can remember, and there’s nobody that I associate more with the magazine than Aragones. Even as a kid, I remember being amazed not only by the fact that his work was so funny, but that he was able to pull off so many fantastic visual gags in such a limited space without even using a single word. It’s a mastery of his craft that continues to surprise me even today, but when it came to his long-form work in comics–like, you know, Groo–I never seemed to be able to find any. Thus, the first issue of Groo I ever read was last month’s 25th Anniversay Special, but I figured I ought to hold off on giving my thoughts about it until I hit an issue that actually had some story to it, and I can say with all certainty that I’m glad I jumped on.

It goes without saying that Aragones’ work is absolutely beautiful–and that his style’s just inherently funny–but after so many years of seeing it in black and white (and often in tiny “Marginal Thinking” size) in the pages of MAD, I’d forgotten how beautifully detailed it can be, and under Tom Luth’s colors, the whole thing just takes on a beautiful storybook quality that’s just irresistable. As for the story, well, with two comics under my belt, I’ve already caught on to the formula, where Groo shows up, screws up, and then heads for the hills in the aftermath of disaster, mostly because Aragones and collaborator Mark Evanier make sure to tell you that’s going to happen at every opportunity.

And that’s the beauty of it: The joke is explicitly telegraphed, and it’s still funny. That’s a trick that takes an amazing amount of skill to pull off, and these guys make it look effortless every time. Very, very fun stuff.

Immortal Iron Fist #10: In the back pages of many of Marvel’s titles this month–but not, oddly enough, this one–there’s an interview with Iron Fist co-writer / ISB Favorite Matt Fraction describes his approach to the character as “Three words, baby: KUNG FU BILLIONAIRE.”

And that, friends, is why I love this comic.

Incidentally, he also says that writing it is so fun because he and Ed Brubaker are “constantly trying to out-awesome one another,” which explains a lot about how we ended up with a plot concerning the All-Reality Martial Arts Tournament starring Fat Cobra, Dog Brothter #1, and the Prince of Orphans.

In any case, despite their unabashed love of Danny Rand, Brubaker, Fraction, and series artist David Aja (along with Kano, who handles the flashbacks) offer up an issue this week with a conspicuous lack of our title character–who’s busy learning about his predecessor and the Harem Harlots of Harlem over in Iron Fist Annual–and instead focus on the other factors of the Tournament in the Heart of Heaven, whether it’s the combatants or the scheming powers behind them, or the army of Shaolin Terror Priests sent to Earth on a mission of vengeance. And unsurprisingly, given the amount of fun I had just typing up that little summary, it’s another flat-out awesome installment.

And not just because I thought it was absolutely hilarious that the gothed-up “delicate porcelain flower” takes her top off, it reveals a horrible mass of deadly spiders. Seriously, that cracks me up every time.

The Order #4: Given the review immediately preceding this one, it should come as no surprise that I’m enjoying the hell out of a title written by Matt Fraction and drawn by Barry Kitson (late of Mark Waid’s highly enjoyable Legion of Super-Heroes relaunch), but it might be of interest to note that this is by far the best issue of the series yet.

And no, that’s not just because the phrase “nothing but hungry children kicking each other” appears on the first page.

It does, of course, in the “confessional” style sequence that’s marked the first story-arc for the book, letting us know the characters by letting us see what essentially amounts to their job interviews. And it works, too, and what makes it even better is the way that later events in the story come through to change what we’ve already seen about them.

Take, for instance, “Calamity” James Wa, who ended his “starring role” last issue with a scene where he tracked down the guy that cost him his legs and confronted him with a baseball bat. It’s pretty chilling, given what we already knew about him fron the interview sequence, but with this issue’s reveal that he spent that time talking to the guy–and playing Wii, an increasingly common activity of the Marvel Universe–we learn a lot more about him. Which is good, because I was really hoping that the folks in the Order would turn out to be decent people.

And from this issue’s focus on Maggie, who plays the Hollywood diva while building orphanages, we see that they are, and that’s what’s really heartening. But it’s even better when it’s presented in a book where so much is happening. I’ve griped often and at length about how there’s no excuse for a boring comic book, and in a world where so many comics indulge in an overabundance of decompressed storytelling, The Order is just crammed full of fun and action. This is, after all, an issue that gives us Maggie’s origin story, a fight with the Zobos, the M.A.N. from S.H.A.D.O.W., and–as mentioned–the motion-sensitive controls of the Wii, and it’s all well-written, beautifully drawn, and most importantly, a lot of fun to read. If you’re not already, give it a shot.

Super-Villain Team-Up: MODOK’s 11 #5: Earlier, I made a comparison to Ocean’s Eleven as a trick on the audience that really works, and now, a few hours later, I’m thinking that I probably should’ve saved that one for here, where it would’ve been a lot more appropriate.

Then again, it’s the obvious route to go with this one, but it does ring true: Under Fred Van Lente’s script and Francis Portella’s pencils, MODOK’s 11 is another great Marvel mini-series that does a great job of living up to its premise, and it’s a high concept that anyone who loves fun would find almost impossible to resist. It is, after all, a story where a giant floating head with tiny arms and legs and a power-hungry mad scientist hash out their relationship issues through a complex sequence of bribery, deception and explosions, and the payoff alone is worth the price of admission.

And that’s before we get to the army of guys with little MODOK helmets that should be at the heart of every Marvel crossover from here on out. Seriously, those guys just crack me up.

Supergirl #23: Despite the fact that I didn’t take to the streets in protest of Adam Beechen’s run on Robin (owing to the fact that I actually thought it was really good), I’m a pretty huge fan of Kelley Puckett’s run on Batgirl. It was a book that was always entertaining while he was on there, so even though I was hoping Tony Bedard and Renato Guedes would stick around for a while, I was interested to see what he’d do with Supergirl.

Unfortunately, the result could best be described as “disappointing.”

To be fair, Drew Johnson does a great job here: His art hews far more closely to what Guedes was doing than to, say, Ian Churchill (or God forbid, Mike Turner), and even stands as something of a departure to what I remember of his work on Wonder Woman. He’s got a few good facial expressions, and in the ten-page stretch with no dialogue whatsoever, he does a fantastic job of keeping things moving. It would’ve been nice, though, if I had any idea what happened at the end here.

And I don’t think that’s Johnson’s fault, either: The book ends with Supergirl coming home and suddenly realizing something, but I have no clue what she realized or what that means for the story. There is, of course, the possibility that it might just be me, but for obvious reasons, I’d rather assume that it wasn’t. It’s not something I’m planning on dropping the book over–after all, it took the second issue of Batgirl for me to really get into that book–but I’d rather have something I could get into right from the start.

Trades

The Middleman: The Third Volume Inescapability: Over in a review on NeedCoffee.com, a fellow called Widge asserts that with plot points like a giant mutated shark-man, an army of mystical luchadores and a gang of mobster gorillas, Middleman creators Javier Grillo-Marxuach and Les McClaine aren’t creating a comic so much as they are, “in reality, doing a psychiatric thesis on the id of Chris Sims.”

He’s not wrong.

Seriously, The Middleman is hands down one of the most fun comics I’ve read in my life, and just from the examples in the paragraph above, you can probably see why I have no trouble believing that it’s been scientifically calibrated to appeal to me specifically, but since you’re the one reading a website known primarily for an emphasis on super-heroes punching out grizzly bears, there’s a pretty good chance you’d enjoy it, too. And how could you not?

Grillo-Marxuach’s scripts are almost unbelievably sharp, and it’s not just the wackiness of the Middleman’s adversaries that makes them so enjoyable. Rather, it’s the effortless way that he blends that lighthearted, manic action with engaging characters, adding depth to them in the scenes between ninja battles for an end result that zips right along, but not without telling a pretty incredible story.

As for the artwork, well, Les McClaine’s pretty darn phenomenal. Everything he draws–which in this volume runs the gamut from deaf-mute illiterate ninjas in Kendo armor to elephant polo to an assassin/henchwench named “Martini” and the always-adorable Wendy Watson–is just beautiful. I often find myself using the word “clean” to describe art that I like, and with McClaine, there’s no better description I can think of: Strong, crisp lines that make up amazing facial expressions and action sequences, with backgrounds that move from detailed (yet uncluttered) to stark and full of speed-lines. It’s a book that’s every bit as good-looking as it is good, and even with the bar set so high in terms of pure entertainment by the first two volumes, he meets it.

They both do, and it makes for a pretty darn fantastic read. A read that, just to reiterate here, involves its protagonists fighting off a giant mutant shark man in what isn’t even the most exciting sequence of the book. So yeah: You’re gonna want that.

And that, at long last, is the week! As always, if you have any questions or comments–or if you just want to hear me gush at length about the beautiful 26-pound bundle of pure comics joy that is The Completely MAD Don Martin (which features like forty pages of introductions from guys like Nick Meglin and The Far Side‘s Gary Larson)–feel free to leave a comment below.

Meanwhile, I’ll be over here refamiliarizing myself with the sound made when Mary Worth gets punched in the face for not minding her own business.

It is, for the record, “KWONK.”

I realize that I’ve been known to throw around a little hyperbole every now and then, but seriously, you guys? Yesterday may have actually been the best day ever.

Not only was it Halloween–the one day of the year dedicated entirely to putting on a costume and giving candy to strangers–but comics came out, ROM made a guest-appearance on South Park and, perhaps the most telling all… The McRib is Back.

If only it had somehow been Christmas too…

But alas! My ruminations on the creation of some kind of superholiday will have to be put aside for the moment, because that kick to the face meants that it’s time for another round of the Internet’s Most BOne-Shattering Comics Reviews! Because really, comics coming out in general is always pretty good, but how do they hold up when you stack ’em against free candy and the McRib?

There’s only one way to find out, folks, and here are this week’s candidates:

How’d they do? We’ll find out together!

Comics

Annihilation: Conquest – Quasar #4: So for the final issue of Christos Gage and Mike Lilly’s portion of Conquest, Phyla-Vell creates an army of skeletons made of lasers to fight the Super-Adaptoid and save the Kree Messiah, and as fun as that sentence is to type, it’s not the best thing that happens in this issue.

No, that honor goes to a scene a few pages before, where we see a woman with a giant, glowing sword hop onto her psychic dragon and team up with an army of cavemen to fight off robots from space, and seriously? Outside of the world of comics, you can only find that kind of action in eight-minute heavy metal masterpieces that feature no fewer than two dueling guitar solos.

Actually, now that I think of it.. I’m pretty sure I have that album somewhere…

Oh, right! Man, that thing was the jam!

Batman #670: I’ve mentioned before that I’m not all that excited about the Resurrection of Ra’s al-Ghul–even with the promise of that Nightwing/Robin fight that we’ve all, apparently, been dreading–and while I hate to say it, this issue doesn’t do a whole lot to change that.

Admittedly, I’m going into it with a little bit of a chip on my shoulder: I might well be the only one, but I thought Ra’s al-Ghul’s death and replacement by Nyssa in the pages of Death and the Maidens was great, but it wasn’t long before it became clear that it was a great story that was going absolutely nowhere, to the point where Nyssa was eventually killed off-panel by a car-bomb in the pages of Robin. Really: Getting knocked off secondhand in the pages of a sidekick title? There may have been a more ignominious death in comics, but I sure haven’t seen it.

Complicating matters are the fact that Grant Morrison’s coming to this one from three issues of what were unquestionably my favorite Batman story in years, and compared to the smooth masterpiece that he and J.H. Williams worked their magic on in “The Club of Heroes,” the storytelling here seems incredibly choppy and disjointed, and while that’s a trick Morrison’s turned to his advantage more than once, it falls pretty flat here.

That’s not to say that it doesn’t have some enjoyable moments, however, and the neatest among them was the shocking return of a trio of villains so obscure that I had to get Dorian Wright to explain who the hell they were. It was definitely the most enjoyable sequence of the comic, but then again, when it’s stacked up against a guy who may or may not be Ra’s al-Ghul lurking around, issuing proclamations and reminding me vaguely of Serpentor, that probably wasn’t a difficult achievement.

Biff Bam Pow! #1: With this issue, Evan Dorkin proves what we’ve all known in our hearts all along: You can make anything way more awesome by putting the word “Space” in front of it.

I mean, if I told you that this was a comic about One-Punch Goldberg, the all-time women’s champion (who signs autographs by writing her initials backwards on her fist and then punching it into some jerk’s head) duking it out with heavyweight champion Otto von Ripsnort III, you’d… well, you’d probably be really excited, because man, that already sounds awesome. But when you add in the fact that she’s a Space-Boxer fighting for the Galactic World Championship, the discussion becomes completely moot: There’s no way it can’t be awesome.

And it is, which should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with Evan Dorkin’s other work. He’s unquestionably one of the best creators working in comics today when it comes to humor work, and seeing him apply that same sense of manic energy and fun to a lighthearted action story is a rare treat indeed. It’s great stuff, and it only gets better with the backups, reprinting a Nutsy Monkey strip from the pages of Nickelodeon Magazine and a Kid Blastoff story with one of the best punchlines since… well, since the last issue of Dork, probably.

Now if we could only get Space Milk and Cosmic Cheese, we’d be set.

Crime Bible: The Five Lessons of Blood #1: When it first appeared in the pages of 52, the idea of a cult devoted to the worship of crime itself struck me as both incredibly goofy and undeniably appealing. It is, of course, patently ridiculous, but considering that it was designed to happen in a setting based around a guy who dresses up as a bat to beat up muggers, it’s that shade of complete nonsense that fits right. Throw in the fact that it’s an Intergang plot and recruiting people for a religion based on crime seems like the sort of thing Darkseid would get up to back in the day, and it seems like a pretty sure thing.

And yet it left me cold, and the only reason I can think of is that, well, it’s too serious. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t mind things showing up in my comics that don’t directly involve talking monkeys or something, and if there’s one thing that I’ve come to really enjoy about Greg Rucka’s recent work, it’s the way that he effortlessly blends the elements of a spy thriller (like an undercover agent embedded into sinister terrorist organizations) with the distinc nature of the DCU (like the way they placed him into the terrorist cell with the aid of a sorceress and, yes, a talking monkey), and I was really hoping I’d find the same kind of approach here.

But it doesn’t quite hold up, and I think it has a lot to do with the way it treads the line a little too sloppily. Take, for instance, the two books in the Crime Bible that are mentioned right off the bat: The Book of Moriarty and the Book of Kürten. Even putting aside the fact that I’m not sure what kind of morals (or immorals, I suppose) these stories are supposed to teach budding criminals–what with the fact that Moriarty gets chucked off a waterfall and Peter Kürten was executed for the amazing accomplishment of being one of the worst people in Germany in the 1930s–the juxtaposition of the fictional villain and the real-life serial murderer does a lot less to legitimize the former than it does to make the whole thing seem weirdly out of place.

But like I said: Rucka’s earned enough credit with me that I’m not going to write it off after a shaky first issue alone. I’m just hoping that things start to fall into place for it a little faster with the next one.

Death of the New Gods #2: The first issue of this one came out a couple of weeks ago while I was still off from reviewing, but my thoughts on reading it were pretty much the same as they’ve been since it was first announced: There’s not a whole heck of a lot that I want to see less than the wholesale slaughter of one of my favorite parts of the DC Universe, and kicking it off with the murder of Big Barda didn’t really do a lot to endear it to me.

And it stayed like that through this issue, too: Scott Free literally “getting darker” with a costume change that looks an awful lot like that Doctor Impossible guy who showed up once or twice in Justice League and a plan to blow up a ton of Parademons felt like a rehash of Identity Crisis, and having the characters in the story itself acknowledge that doesn’t really fix the problem. Beyond that, though, the whole thing just feels padded out, especially in the fight between Superman and Orion. Admittedly, it’s not out of character for Orion to start throwing punches, but when Superman indulges him with a brawl about five minutes after they scrape the corpse of a friend off the floor just doesn’t ring true.

That said, if it wasn’t for writer/artist Jim Starlin, there’s a pretty good chance that I wouldn’t be reading comics today, and while it would’ve been nice to see how my life turned out if I’d devoted it to something, y’know, productive, I tend to give him the benefit of the doubt. I ended up having a great time with Mystery in Space after all, but right now, Death of the New Gods doesn’t look like it’s going to end up all that great.

Unless, of course, it’s Kanto killing everyone. Because Kanto, as we all know, is the coolest.

Dynamo 5 #8: In the letters page for this month’s issue of Dynamo 5, Jay Faerber talks about how the thing that inspires him the most when he writes the comic is “simply my love of super-heroes,” and while it’s been a solid read from the start, there’s really no issue where that love comes through quite like in this one.

On the surface, this one’s a paint-by-numbers super-hero story, from the trouble with secret identities to the fight with a bold new villain–played this evening by Bonechill, a guy with a skull made of ice that’s a much better design than it sounds like–that leads to an appearance by a couple of guest-stars. To be honest, it’s the same set of elements that you’ve seen a hundred times already, but the sheer fun that Faerber’s having with it–come on! Bonechill! Skull made of ice!–is something you can almost feel on every single page.

The best part, though, is that this issue comes complete with a new price, and really: When was the last time you saw the cost of a comic actually drop by fifty cents an issue? It all adds up to another reason to pick it up, and if you haven’t already, give it a shot. It’s good stuff.

Forgotten Realms: The Halfling’s Gem #2: I get the sneaking feeling that halfling enthusiasts are already on board with the Forgotten Realms comics, but for all of you fans of gems out there, have I got some good news…

Fans of Jem however, will continue to be disappointed.

DC Infinite Halloween Special: I think the record will show pretty clearly that there’s not a whole lot I love more than a good holiday special, but sadly, the keyword there is “good,” and that not really a word that applies here. “Wretched,” however, pretty much fits the bill.

I’ll be honest with you, folks: I didn’t even bother to finish about half of the stories in this one, and in case you forgot, I made it through a two-part Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose Halloween special on at least two occasions, so that oughtta give you an idea of what we’re dealing with here. The key difference: While Tarot was aggressively bad on multiple levels, it at least kept moving; the stories in here were both terrible and mind-numbingly boring, and when you can tell a boring story that features both Jimmy Olsen and zombies on the moon, that’s a pretty amazing achievement.

And now that I’m looking at it, I managed to somehow skip about four pages in the story by actor/former WCW champion David Arquette without noticing. Or caring. It’s really bad, guys.

To be fair, things do pick up in the last quarter of the book with a competent story I imagine it took Mark Waid about ten minutes to bang out on a slow afternoon and the mildly enjoyable return of Resurrection Man, but surprisingly enough, the best thing in the whole awful lot comes from Dan DiDio himself. It’s not that great, there are a few genuinely funny gags (which, to be extra fair, were actually a lot funnier when I saw them the first time in Weapon Brown). Beyond that, though, it’s a mess, pure and simple, and stands as quite possibly the worst $5.99 you could’ve spent on a comic book this week.

And yes: I’m counting both covers of Anita Blake in that.

Special Forces #1: If you’ve ever heard me talk about Kyle Baker for any length of time, you’ve probably heard me refer to him as America’s Greatest Living Cartoonist. And if you’ve ever wondered why, grab a copy of Special Forces #1 and see for yourself.

Of course, you could probably do that with just about anything the guy’s done, from Nat Turner to The Cowboy Wally Show (and if you haven’t already, you really, really should), but if the first issue’s any indication, Special Forces is going to stand up there with the rest of them.

For those of you who’d like a little more explanation, though, allow me: Inspired by the true story of an autistic teenager recruited by the Army (which is detailed in a pair of articles from ABC and CBS news that are reprinted in this issue), Baker crafts something that falls squarely into that part of satire that’s hilariously funny and chillingly close to the truth at the same time: A sergeant who fails to meet his quota being sent to Iraq with the same group of soldiers that he lowered the standards to recruit in the first place, all of whom are saddled with Easy Company-esque nicknames, and very few of whom actually make it through the first issue. Because when it goes bad, Baker makes sure it goes real bad.

And he does it with the consummate skill that we’ve come to expect from his work: The panels of action are riddled with sound effects, from the booming explosions that break through the panel borders to the tiny ricochets that surround the characters. This is a book that opens with a full-page shot of someone getting their head blown off and just runs from there, only pausing to let you catch your breath by letting you know a little–very little–about who these people are.

The Short Version: It’s a new Kyle Baker story that I’ve read three times today and still get surprised by how much I love it each time. Pick it up.

Trades

Showcase Presents: The Teen Titans v.2: I’d just like to take this opportunity to point out that this volume includes a story by Bob Haney called “The Skis of Death,” which is immediately followed by a story by Bob Kanigher entitled “The Titans Kill a Saint.”

So yeah: You’re probably gonna want to get that.

And as far as I’m concerned, that’s the week. As always, any questions–like how does Mouse Guard continue to be an incredibly exciting comic despite a plot for this issue that consists entirely of three mice going into a hole?–or comments–like the assertion that Nicholas Gurewitch’s Perry Bible Fellowship might have the best three-panel gags in the business–can be directed to the comments section below.

As for me, well, I’ll be over here recovering from my intense celebration of El Dia De Los Muertos! As it turned out, why, they weren’t actually skeletons at all!

For two terrifying weeks, Thursday nights on the ISB have been suspiciously quiet, but tonight, the scares and skeletons of Spooktoberfest move aside for the return of what everyone really shows up for:

Oh, and there’s also some reviews I usually toss up here too.

Yes, a fortnight of silence on the latest titles has finally given way to the return of the Internet’s most explosive comics reviews! Here’s what I picked up this week…

…and in addition to those, I’ll probably throw in my thoughts on some of the titles I missed over the past couple of weeks to boot. Except, of course, for Punisher War Journal #13.

Because really, if you don’t already know what I think of a comic where Frank Castle uses a gun that shoots swords, then you probably won’t be getting a lot out of the reviews around here anyway.

Now let’s get on with it!

Comics

Action Philosophers #9: The Lightning Round: Thanks to a slight mistake in the store’s ordering, I wasn’t even aware that this issue had hit the stands until AP artist/bon vivant/friend of the ISB Ryan Dunlavey swung by the ol’ comments section to ask why I hadn’t bothered to pick it up yet. It was three weeks after that that it finally showed up on the invoice, and another week after that that the folks at the Warehouse finally figured out that, yes, we were serious about wanting what we ordered and actually shipped it to us, so all told, the amount of time I’ve been waiting on this issue clocks in at somewhere around eleventy billion days.

And now that I’ve read it, I can assure you that it was worth every second.

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I love Action Philosophers with a passion–hence the utterly shameless namedropping in the paragraph above–but even for a series that consistently manages to be funny and educational on a level that comics have rarely (if ever) seen before, this one stands out. A lot of that, I think, has to do with the format for this one: It’s the last issue, and so Dunlavey and writer Fred Van Lente take the kitchen sink approach to things, setting aside their usual three-thinkers-per-issue format in an effort to cram as much deep thought into 32 pages as humanly possible. I can’t imagine that it’s ever easy to condenese these things into the short form the book uses and still keep them as zippy and fun as these guys do, but when your longest entry (Baruch Spinoza) weighs in at seven pages and several others (like George Berkeley and Gottfried Leibniz) don’t even get past one, the task has to be absolutely herculean.

And yet, they pull it off. And what’s more, they make it look easy with some of the best work of the series thus far. I won’t go into too many details (since you really ought to see for yourself), but if you don’t think that “The Foucault Circus” and “Six Degrees of Francis Bacon” are works of purest, two-page genius, then I’m not sure if we’ll ever agree on anything.

It’s funny, it’s informative, and it solidifies Action Philosophers as the must-have item for everyone’s–yes, everyone’s–bookshelf that we’ve always known it was. Great work.

Authority Prime #1: You know, I don’t think I ever thought I’d be that excited to see Jackson King put on his goofy-ass Jim Lee-style Batallion costume (complete with thigh-straps and a Cable-esque gun), but it just goes to show that these comic book things never really cease to surprise.

Of course, I knew going into this one that there was a good chance I’d enjoy it, what with the fact that it’s a WildStorm book written by Christos Gage, and as we learned from Stormwatch PHD, that tends to work out pretty well. I’ll admit, however, that this one’s not quite up to Gage’s usual standards right off the bat, but given that it’s an issue that’s largely given over to setting up the story and opens with the Authority fighting off Things That Should Not Be at H.P. Lovecraft’s Rhode Island estate, I’m willing to give it a little more than the benefit of the doubt.

As for the art, well, Darick Robertson’s always been a little hit (Transmetropolitan) or miss (Wolverine) for me, but he acquits himself pretty well here. It’s got his usual quirks, but one thing I love about it is that he never shies away from emphasizing the absolute craziness inherent in the leftover StormWatch costumes from its early-’90s Image days which makes for some great visuals. It’s good stuff, and even if Gage dusts off the tired cliche of a fight-then-team-up dealie for the teams, I’ve got to think that it’ll still be pretty fun.

Blue Beetle #20: I seriously could not care less about the Sinestro Corps War.

I know, I know: I’m pretty much the only one, and while I’ll cop to the idea that it’s just not for me–given that my interest in Green Lantern outside of titles featuring Tommy Monaghan has dropped to zero over the past couple of years–but I just don’t get what the fuss is all about. I mean, look: I love an Evil Opposite story as much or more than the next guy, but when it’s getting to the point where you dredge up a bad guy analogue of Mogo so they can ram into each other in a thinly-veiled bit of slash fiction put to print, it starts to get a little ridiculous. Throw a cast of characters that features such luminaries as Cyborg Superman, Superboyman Prime and the Anti-Monitor and other folks I never, ever need to see again and, well, you get the idea.

That said, I do care an awful lot about Blue Beetle, and while it’s one of the true tests of a comic’s quality to see how a great run holds up when it’s pulled into a crossover, Rogers and Albuquerque pass with flying colors. It’s easy to say that it works so well because they throw the focus onto the Peacemaker for this issue, but with the way they use the context of the Sinestro Corps War to advance the ongoing plot of the series, it stands as a nice example of a tie-in that’s easy to follow even on its own, and I definitely appreciate it.

And really, while we’re on the subject here: I’d seen the Peacemaker before and never really read about him–owing, of course, to the fact that looks like this–but the description Rogers uses in this book of “The man who loved Peace so much he’d kill for it“?

That’s genius!

Casanova #10: The second arc of Casanova continues rocking right along, but this issue swaps out the usual giant robots and karate sex dolls for magic words and the cruelty of the Secret Cinema in a story that reads more like The Invisibles than anything else. Except that, y’know, you can actually understand what the hell’s going on.

Ah, but I kid Grant Morrison. The comparison stands, though: Fraction and Moon open this issue with members of an anonymous elite joyfully ruining an innocent girl’s life for the sheer fact that they can, led by a character who oozes decadence from the top of his tiny little fez to the bottom of his spherical body, a problem that can only be solved by someone going undercover, beating them at their own game, and then killing everybody. And brother, if that doesn’t capture the spirit of at least half of The Invisbiles, I don’t know what does.

Of course, Casanova gives you a scene where our leading lady for this arc quotes Ice T for a cover price of only $1.99, and is therefore infinitely superior.

Gen13 #13: And now, a brief visit from Cranky Old Man Comics Reader Chris Sims:

You know, back in my day, when the first Gen13 ongoing series hit #13, it was broken up into a three parts that each cost $1.30 and featured thirteen sets of guest stars, including Archie’s crew and motivational speaker Tony Robbins. This time around, however, Gen13 kicks off its second year with eight straight pages where dialogue is forsaken in favor of the most overwritten, angsty narration that I think I’ve ever read.

Look, you can say what you want about the quality of the original Gen13 books–and believe me, I have–but at least they had a sense of fun that defined the book more than anything else. And to say that this book–which has seen the introduction of great concepts like the Authoriteens by the writer who brought fun back to Deadpool when it got too emo–comes as something of a disappointment when it studiously avoids fun every month is a pretty big understatement. There’s just no reason for the characters to stand around telling us that they’re good people instead of going out and having adventures that show us they’re good people, and the brief spikes of enjoyment that crop up every few months only make it worse when the story backslides into its repetitive, self-congratulatory standard.

It may just be my affection for the old stuff–which is a problem in its own right, I think–but Gen13 stands as one of those rare titles that has characters I like in a story by a writer I like, and yet consistently annoys the hell outta me every time I read it. Nostalgia notwithstanding, there’s no reason whatsoever to keep buying it, and while I’ve rewritten this sentence three or four times trying to think of a reason to give it one more shot, a year’s worth of disappointing issues seem like enough of a trial run to me.

Green Arrow: Year One #6: Yeah, I know: I never thought I’d see the day when Green Arrow Year One beat out Casanova for Best of the Week either.

But really, I shouldn’t be surprised. After all, I actually do like Green Arrow a heck of a lot. It’s not something I mention too often–which is pretty easy considering how lousy he’s been over the past four years or so–but as a concept, come on: Who doesn’t love Robin Hood, even without the added bonus of a singing bear?

And that’s what Green Arrow is: A modern-day Robin Hood with a desert island. That’s the core of the character that Andy Diggle and Jock have nailed with this series, and while Ollie Queen doesn’t necessarily rob from the rich, he certainly takes on those who make their money by exploiting and terrorizing the poor, using the time-honored method of the boxing glove arrow.

It’s been a great series top to bottom, but–and I know I say this virtually every time an issue comes out–with a team that has a track record like The Losers, I don’t think it was anything we weren’t expecting.

Right, Ollie?

Thought so.

Madame Mirage #3: Those of you who pay attention to these things–or, to be honest, those of me who pay attention to such things–might recall that Madame Mirage #3 was solicited as the issue where you find out that everything you know about Madame Mirage is wrong, and I’ve got to say, it lives up. After all, who would’ve expected that Mirage was, in fact, a woman who looked entirely different using holograms to project the image of her dead sister, but with much, much larger breasts?

Oh, and in one panel she has a sword. So in case you were wondering if this thing had moved from “bad” to “delightfully awful,” the answer, my friend, is yes.

She-Hulk #22: This marks the first issue of Peter David’s run on She-Hulk–taking over for ISB favorite Dan Slott–and as predicted, it only takes seven pages for him to start in with his usual aresenal of loathsome puns.

Seriously, I hate those things like Indiana Jones hates snakes. I just hate ’em. And it’s not even the puns themselves that really set me off, it’s David’s insistence on them. Both the “FBI” joke and the references to the Absorbing Man’s “little woman” are funny… once. But they’re never just written and left alone, no, they’re brought out again and again, hammered mercilessly into the ground by a man desperately in love with his own clever wordplay until you just want to—

…

Ahem. Sorry. Never happens on X-Factor, s’all I’m sayin’.

Anyway, my all-consuming hatred of David’s punnery aside, I actually do enjoy a lot of the guy’s work, and so far, She-Hulk‘s holding up pretty well. It’s a new direction (complete with a couple of nice twists thrown in for good measure), and while I like the cast and stories of Dan Slott’s run a heck of a lot, I can appreciate both his desire to avoid following too closely in Slott’s very distinctive footsteps and the letter to the reader at the end full of praise for Slott’s work. It’s a very classy thing to do, and it made a nice cap for an enjoyable issue that–hopefully–will set the tone for what’s to come.

Unless, of course, it’s set by the fact that the letter column itself’s been renamed as “She-Mail,” which I’m pretty sure takes the cake as the worst pun in four hundred years. And you guys wonder why I get so mad…

Suburban Glamour #1: I really wish Jamie McKelvie would draw me a girlfriend.

Uh… There’s a good chance I shouldn’t have actually written that down, so it’s probably best to just move on. Besides, what with the fact that my wardrobe consists largely of t-shirts with Batman on them and my complete inability to grow sideburns, I don’t even think I could make it to the background of this book.

Anyway, last week I mentioned that Suburban Glamour was almost certainly awesome. Of course, I already knew the art was going to be fantastic, as did anyone who’d seen the previews McKelvie had done, or seen the cover when it was solicited, or read Phonogram, and even if the story was darn near unreadable, it still would’ve been worth the cover price for me. McKelvie’s art is just that good: Clean lines, stylish attention to detail, and some of the most expressive faces since Kevin Maguire, wrapped up in Guy Major’s colors to create something that I don’t mind just looking at.

Fortunately, that wasn’t the only selling point for this thing: The story’s engaging right off the bat, with characters that manage to act authentically youthful without coming off as full of themselves or excessively petty jammed right up against bizarre encounters with the supernatural that are equally well-designed and drawn. It’s fun stuff, and like I said, it’s easily one of the prettiest books you’ll find on the shelves anywhere. Pick it up.

And that’s the week (or so)! As always, if you have any questions or comments on something I read–like how funny it was that Bruce Banner and the Hulk finally solved their differences in the time-honored manner of sitcom apartments or whether this week’s Legion of Super-Heroes in the 31st Century was inspired by Greek myth or Laser Cats–feel free to strike up a discussion in the comments section below.

Originally, my plan was to lead off this week with a shot of Dr. Doom getting a boot from Alex Power–because really, there’s not a whole lot better than seeing Victor V getting totally wrecked by a middle-schooler–but, well, Adam Warren’s Empowered v.2 came out this week…

…and that was pretty much that.

Yes, the tide of chin-checkery has begun a new, and that can only mean that it’s time for the Internet’s Most Calamitous Comics Reviews!

Here’s what I picked up this week…

…now I’ve run enough, Peacock! It ends now, with my knife and all that Crom’s given me!

Wait. No, that was Conan. I’m just going to talk about some comics, I think.

Comics

All-New Atom #16: Given the kind of jokes I’ve made at the expense of Detective Comics over the past few months, I’ve probably made my less-than-positive feelings about fill-in issues pretty clear, and with my enjoyment of All-New Atom running high from the last couple of stories, this might seem like an inopportune time for Gail Simone to hand off scripting chores to a guest-writer.

Of course, considering the fact that this is a fill-in written by the the guy who brought us Captain America: War & Remembrance and the great Spider-Man/Juggernaut showdown, I think it’s safe to say you can look past it. Especially considering that in this issue, The Atom Fights Space Hippies.

Yes. Space Hippies. They come to the stars and turn Ivy Town’s beleaguered populace into long-haired peaceniks, and Ryan Choi does not have to put up with that. Man, I love this comic.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer #7: Brian K. Vaughan’s unauthorized Tru Calling sequel continues towards the inevitable conclusion of full-frontal nudity, and I’m happy to report that the disconnect between Georges Jeanty’s photo-reference and his artwork is nowhere near as prominent as it was in the last issue. There are a few panels that are a little shaky, it’s a lot stronger than the last one.

As for the story, it zips along in typical BKV fashion, with all the wordplay and well-done cliffhangers that you’d expect from that guy, and it all makes for a really fun story that you’re most likely either already reading completely disinterested in, thus making any review of mine completely unnecessary. Still, if I wasn’t around to point out that I’m pretty sure head-butting a giant stone gargoyle would strike even a super-powered slayer prone to exceptionally poor decision-making as a bad idea, who would?

Conan #44: Regular ISB readers will no doubt be aware–and heck, even if it’s your first time here you can probably guess–that I love pretty much everything about Conan, and as I’ve mentioned before, Rogues in the House is probably my favorite Conan story of all time in just about every format it’s appeared in. But that’s old news; the important thing about this issue is that it marks the departure of longtime Conan artist (and ISB favorite) Cary Nord.

Normally, this would be where I’d talk about how great his art’s been on the book and how he’s done a fantastic job with the character, giving him a distinct and beautiful look alongside colorist Dave Stewart that’s made this one of the best-looking books on the stands, but talking about art never quite does the job when it comes to explaining how awesome it is.

Thus, I give you this instead:

Conan uppercutting a gorilla that thinks it’s people. And that should pretty much sum up why I love this comic, Rogues in the House, Tim Truman’s adaptation of it, and Cary Nord’s artwork, all in one fell, bone-rattling swoop.

Detective Comics #837: Behold! The elusive, rarely-seen issue of ‘Tec that’s actually written by Paul Dini!

I kid because I love, of course, and I love because Dini’s stories in this title are generally pretty awesome, especially in the way that he’s screwing around with the status quo with things like Eddie Nygma: Private Eye. Telling stories about a Riddler who has given up crime for an entirely legitimate way of proving that he’s smarter than anyone else is a great way of dealing with a character that a lot of people–and I’m looking at you here, Campbell–considered to be almost unforgivably lame. It’s no surprise, though, considering that ther Animated Series version of the Riddler was, to put it bluntly, way, way better than his comic book counterpart, and it holds up through a story based around following him on an adventure rather than Batman.

Of course, the fact that it turns into a comic about Harley Quinn, Holly Robinson and another woman wrestling each other in wet togas about halfway through doesn’t really hurt matters either.

Gumby #3: For those of you who might’ve thought I was exaggerating a little a few months back when I said that Gumby #2–wherein Johnny Cash descended from Heaven to help Gumby save his girlfriend from evil circus people–might’ve been the best comic of 2006, allow me to assure you that Bob Burden and Rick Geary’s series continues to be awesome on a downright Haneyesque scale.

Still doubting? Allow me to summarize this issue: After being mistaken for the man of the house–due to his father still being hypnotized into thinking that his son is a sack of potatoes–Gumby falls victim to a phone scam and, lured by the promise of a big prize, ends up battling it out with Geronimo and his legion of cannibal real estate agents, only escaping certain doom thanks to their local financial advisor’s laser teeth.

If it’s that radical in one sentence, imagine thirty-five straight pages by Burden and Geary, and you’ll be pretty close to getting the full picture here. It’s truly wonderful, and it’s something everybody oughtta be reading.

JLA/Hitman #2: i realize that at this point, everyone and their brother has already said this, but man. If you told me nine months ago that Garth Ennis was going to cruise back over to DC and write the best Superman story in years, I doubt I would’ve believed it. And yet, here we are.

Of course, if you’d told me that it was going to happen in the pages of a Hitman story that featured the beautiful art of John McCrea, the whole thing would’ve been a little more understandable. After all, as far as bad issues of Hitman go, well, there aren’t any, and even stacked up against sixty issues of one of DC’s best titles, this one stands with the best of ’em. And like I said, it boils down largely to Superman.

Don’t get me wrong: This is Tommy Monaghan’s story (and it’s got the jokes, action and shooting to prove it), but at its heart, it’s a story about how he fits with the rest of the DC Universe. Right from the first issue of Hitman, Ennis makes it clear that Tommy uses his powers take the jobs other guys won’t or can’t, and that’s the theme that’s revisited here, made literal by casting him as the guy that, as Superman says, is the only guy that can do what needs to be done. And the beautiful thing is that Superman never once condones his actions–and in fact finds them as horrific as Batman–but unlike the rest of the heroes, he never once thinks of Tommy Monaghan as less than a person.

And that’s what makes him Superman. It’s the beautiful idea of how the character works, and the final scenes where he visits his own memorial for Tommy is one of the best scenes for either character that I’ve ever seen, and the only one that could’ve possibly topped the last page of Hitman‘s final issue. After all, with most of his supporting cast blown away by the time the series ends, it’s easy to think that there’s nobody left who remembers Tommy Monaghan. But Superman remembers. Because y’know, he’s Superman.

Seriously, you guys? Total lump-in-the-throat, I-think-I-have-something-in-my-eye moment, and two of the best comic books you’ll read all year. Excellent comics through and through.

Lobster Johnson: The Iron Prometheus #2: You know, it occurs to me that I don’t think I’ve ever actually read a Dark Horse Comic that I didn’t enjoy. Admittedly, I don’t read their whole line or anything, but I read an awful lot of the stuff they publish and love it all. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that Dark Horse Comics tend to be about people fighting demons, nazis, gorillas or some combination thereof, or maybe it’s because they tend to publish things by Kenichi Sonada and Adam Warren. We shall not, of course, speak of Star Wars.

Either way, Lobster Johnson is by no means the one that breaks the winning streak for the good folks at DHP, thanks largely to the way Mike Mignola seems to have refined this one down to the most rolicking, explosion-filled supernatural pulp epic that he could possibly make, and considering that he’s best known for creating a demon who clubs other demons to death with a pistol, that’s saying something. It’s fun comics taken to their logical (and awesome) extreme, and for cryin’ out loud, the main character is shooting Nazi Ninjas by page three! It’s great stuff, and well worth it.

…Oh wait! Family Values! That’s one I don’t care for!

Metal Men #3: It’s no secret that I like the Metal Men a heck of a lot, but other than just pointing at pages where they’re doing something ridiculously awesome and shouting my devotion the world, I’m not sure that I’ve ever explained why I like those stories so much. It’s hard to get a handle on, but I think what it boils down to is that with those stories–unlike a lot of his work that’s just crazy for crazy’s sake, which I also enjoy–Robert Kanigher just never stopped upping the ante with new and different madness. If you’ve ever read those original stories–and really, you should–you’ll know what I’m talking about: They are relentless in the way that they bombard the reader with information, whether it’s the knowledge about which metal is liquid at room temperature (HINT: It’s Mercury) or some off-the-wall nonsense about robot hunting dogs.

For the new series, it looks like that’s a method that Duncan Rouleau has taken to heart, and this issue shows it off. He’s running plots simultaneously, so even an issue that opens with Doc Magnus slugging it out against T.O. Morrow’s Death Metal Men alongside a renegade Manhunter, L-Ron, and Body X (“Hey Doc! I’ll release Idodine to slow the burning of my flesh!”) goes on to include mystical alchemical symbols built into the Responsometers, and an appearance by the Doc’s crazy brother. It’s as dense as Lead, and while it looks almost as confused at first glance, everything seems to be falling into place excellently.

Omega the Unknown #1: I have absolutely no affection whatsoever for Omega the Unknown–and in fact, I only read the first couple of issues of the original series this Tuesday to give myself a little context for the new one–but I’ve been looking forward to this one for quite some time, thanks to the presence of writer Jonathan Lethem. My pal Tug loaned me a copy of his incredible Gun, with Occasional Music a few years back, and I liked it enough to pick up and blow through Motherless Brooklyn–the story of an orphaned Private Eye with Tourette’s–about a week later, and I loved them both.

As for this one, though, I’m not quite sure where I stand just yet. It’s interesting enough at first glance, and Farel Darlrymple does a great job handling art that I wouldn’t refer to so blanketly as “indie-style” if that wasn’t the way Marvel was obviously marketing it, but after reading the original and seeing how much of it was lifted verbatim from Steve Gerber’s original script to the first issue from 1976. To be fair, I’m sure that Lethem’s building towards something with it, and it’s an enjoyable enough first issue that I’m looking forward to seeing what comes out of it, but I can’t shake the feeling that I would’ve been more excited with him doing something that he built from the ground up.

But I plan on sticking it out, of course. After all, with all the fun I’ve had with Anita Blake, it ought to be nice to see what a novelist who’s actually good can put out with Marvel.

The Weapon #4: Some of yo might recall that the last time I reviewed this comic, I described the main character as “the guy who makes kung fu weapons out of lasers,” and if that sentence alone wasn’t enough to send you sprinting to your local comic shop to buy every issue you could find, then I really doubt that there’s anything more I can do for you. Instead, I’d like to take a moment to talk about the magic… of Numbers!

Yes, as you might recall, we here at ISB Industries have a certain interest in bending numbers to our indomitable will and purposes more awesome than mere “counting” or “space travel” could possibly convey, and it was while reading this issue that I realized that a useful measurement for comics readers had gone woefully unpublicized for far too long. See, with this issue being made up primarily of Our Hero’s battle against the enemies of the Sons of Shan-Tao, it is able to offer a level of face-kicking not often seen in comics, exceeded only occasionally by issues of Iron Fist with many pages where three out of every four panels feature foot-centered face-wrecking.

Yes, you read that right: This issue contains a consistent Sims Ratio of 3:4. Pick it up already, will ya?

Trades

Empowered v.2: Let me lay this on the line for you guys: I would read The All-New Adventures of Gambit and Wonder Man if Adam Warren drew it. He is a hero to all children, and a brother to all mankind. And this book pretty much sums up why.

“But Chris!” you say, your monocle popping right off your face. “Isn’t it just an entire book based around manga-style bondage fetishism?” and to that, I say NO!

There are also explosions.

But mostly, yeah, it’s totally the bondage stuff. But in typical Warren style, it doesn’t stop there, and in fact the stories aren’t nearly driven by the sex angle as they are by the characters. It’s a story with heart to it, and it’s a heart that’s matched only by the talent used to bring it all to life. I mean, I’ve been a fan of Adam Warren’s for years, and it just hit me today while I was reading this one how amazingly tight his pencils are, let alone his lettering. It takes an astonishing level of ability to do something that looks this good without being inked, let alone colored, and Warren makes it seem so effortless that it just blindsides you with its quality.

Which isn’t to say that there’s not an incredible amount of sex in the book; in fact, I’d say that the only way it’d need a Parental Advisory sticker more was it if actually jumped off the shelf and punched your mother in the face, what with the story where Emp has to go undercover as a sexy librarian, and the one where she gets tied up and spanked by another girl in the trunk of a car, and the in-depth exploration of “The Aryan Ideal of Shoulder Candy” (actually the same story, now that I think of it), and… Well, pretty much the rest of the book. But it’s all done amazingly well, and it’s one of my favorite comics of the year.

And really, can’t we all use a little bit more of the Ravening Shadowking in our lives?

And that’s the week! As always, any further discussion of this week’s comics or questions about something I skipped over–like how we can possibly bear the awesomeness of three Fred Van Lente books in one week, especially when they include laser pirates, laser karate, and the Rocket Racer–can be left in the comments section below.

As for me, I’ll probably be over here re-reading Hitman. Or maybe that story where Empowered dresses up like a Librarian. Just… just knock first, okay?