Man… I can’t for the life of me remember what I did last night. Oh well, it’s probably best to move on. And what better way to move on than with Wilbur Wang: Tree Surgeon?

That’s right, folks: It’s Thursday night on the ISB, and a kick to the face can only mean that it’s time once again for another round of the Internet’s Most Caffeinated Comics Reviews!

Here’s what I picked up this week…

So what did I think about it? Read on, gentle reader… if you dare!

Comics

All-Star Superman #10: Well, that was an easy decision.

Really, though: As much as I like to shift the spotlight out a little bit when it comes to my seemingly arbitrary “award” that I hand out every week, there’s no getting around the fact that All-Star Superman really is the best comic of the week every time it comes out. So you heard it here first folks: The Eisners take their cue from the ISB. I wouldn’t be surprised if this year’s ceremony opened with Jackie Estrada giving somebody a boot right to the chops.

But back to the point at hand, which is this: All-Star Superman is a phenomenal comic book, and while everyone already knows that at this point, any book that can boil Superman down to his most essential elements and do it this well deserves all the praise it can get. Admittedly, the Bizarro World storyline wasn’t quite my thing, but this issue… man.

This one has it all, and for a book that did the best Jimmy Olsen story in thirty plus years, that’s saying something. I think Kevin put it best yesterday when he said that Morrison does the perfect summary of Superman’s relationship with Lois on page 8, the people he protects on page 12, and with Luthor on page 15. That’s three amazing moments in the span of eight pages, and the astonishing thing about is that none of those are even the best bit in the comic.

For me, that came on page twenty, when we see this:

This, of course, is Superman sending smaller Supermen out of his hand to deal with the problems that he himself can’t solve, and there’s no way that’s not a reference to “Superman’s New Power,” from 1958’s Superman #125.

This one’s been covered all over the Internet, and with good reason: If it’s not the most beautifully crazy story in the entire Silver Age of Comics, then it’s in the top two. This is probably why Morrison once said it was his favorite Superman story–and you can find out exactly why for yourself in the ridiculously awesome Showcase Presents Superman v.1–and while I knew that going in, seeing it pop up here caused me to freak right out at the fun of it all.

So yeah: All-Star Superman‘s great. In other news, water’s wet and this whole “Sun” thing? We’re thinking “bright.”

Army of Darkness / Xena: Why Not? #1: Ladies and gentlemen, you may now return from the edge of your seats: John Layman has once again descended from heaven amidst a choir of angels and delivered unto us a work of purest genius.

Long-time ISB readers may recall that Layman’s previous work, Dark Xena–wherein Xena is resurrected by Cthulhu, which forces Gabrielle to masquerade as her own hypothetical evil twin, Evielle–will be the cornerstone of future civilizations, but this one addresses more metaphysical matters. It’s a common misconception that the subtitle “Why Not?” refers to the kitchen sink nature of the crossover itself, but in reality, it’s a challenge to the reader. Why not forget your earthly concerns and pursue true happiness for the first time in your life? Why not transcend all that you know and experience pure joy? Why not read this comic book?

Incidentally, the title of this issue, wherein Ash (as played by Bruce Campbell) travels back in time to do battle with Mini-Ash (as played by Bruce Campbell) alongside Autolycus (as played by Bruce Campbell)? “Battered and Bruced.” Genius.

Blue Beetle #25: I realize that after those last two reviews, what I’m about to say is going to come off as hyperbole at best, but this is without question one of the best comic books I’ve read in years.

I’ve been saying for months now that Blue Beetle is at the top of the short list of DC comics that everyone should be reading, but with their latest story–and this issue in particular–Rogers and Albuquerque have topped themselves, and I’m gonna go ahead and say it: Their run on Blue Beetle has made it the best teen super-hero comic since Impulse.

For those of you that have read the original Mark Waid run on Impusle–or at least heard me go on about it before–you probably already know that this is pretty high praise, but when you get right down to it, the books are a lot similar, and for more reasons than just the way all teen super-hero books are alike. Mostly, it comes down to the way that both books deal with heroic legacies in a way that’s far more engaging and fun than other books even come close to, and on that front Blue Beetle‘s got it all over anything else on the stands.

It’s great, and the way Rogers is able to pull off big reveals like finally understanding the scarab after two years makes it well worth picking up, and the only thing I don’t like about it is that he’s off for a (hopefully temporary) hiatus after this one. Of course, the new writer’s going to be Will Pfeifer, whose run on Catwoman is similarly awesome and underrated, I’ll be looking forward to the day he gets back.

Jack of Fables #21: With this issue, Willingham and Sturges take us back a bit to the Golden Boughs retirement village and a story of the inmates putting on a play, and while that could’ve easily come off as an annoying diversion, they handle it in a way that makes for some highly enjoyable comics. Really, who would’ve thought that a comic would come out this week that would combine two of my favorite things so well?

I speak of course of a) Hamlet, and b) Alice (of Wonderland fame) using promises of sexual favors to get her way. I mean, up ’til I read this issue, I wasn’t even sure I liked that last one that much myself, although it probably doesn’t come as too much of a surprise.

I mean, I did shell out seventy-five bucks for Lost Girls.

Legion of Super-Heroes #40: I can’t speak for anywhere else, but around my shop, I’ve noticed that over the past couple months, there seems to have been a spike in interest in Legion of Super-Heroes, and I’m pretty happy about that. Not just because I’m a big fan of the Legion myself–although that’ll become readily apparent soon, even moreso than usual–but because over the past four issues, Jim Shooter and Francis Manapul have been turning in some incredibly solid work.

Admittedly, I wouldn’t mind at all if Shooter laid off the future slang, but when the worst thing about a guy’s script is his very, very liberal use of the alleged word “florg,” then that’s not a bad place to be, especially when it’s balanced out by issues that are packed full of future-action and teenage super-romance involving Karate Kid. It’s fun, and while it’s obvious that the break-neck pacing of the stories owes a lot to Shooter’s original run, the content falls right in line with the problems and humor of Waid and Kitson’s relaunch. So if you haven’t jumped on yet, I’m pretty sure they’re all still available, and between this and Ostrander on Suicide Squad, I’m starting to think that sometimes, you actually can go home again.

Unless you’re Chris Claremont, I mean. Let’s not go crazy here.

Power Pack: Day One #1: See, you guys? This is what happens when we let girls create comics. We get super-heroes who get their powers from a magic space unicorn that turns into rainbows.

Ah, but I kid Louise Simonson and June Brigman; I actually like the Power Pack a heck of a lot, and ever since the relaunch a couple years back by Sumerak and Gurihiru, it’s been one of the most enjoyable kids’ comics on the market. Seriously, there was an issue where Doctor Doom took over Franklin Richards’ body and then spent a day at Elementary School, and if that’s not a formula for good comics, then brother, I don’t know what is.

Beyond that, though, this one has an added selling point that I mentioned back when it first got solicited: Science lessons in the form of backup stories by Fred “Action Philosophers” Van Lente and Colleen “Banana Sunday” Coover, and while the main story is highly enjoyable–with Gurihiru’s art making a great return to form–I’d pay for a whole book of those backups.

Hear that, Marvel? I would pay good money for a whole book of Van Lente/Coover science lessons!

Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose #49: So, Tarot‘s out again, and rather than risk my own sanity typing up a review of this month’s adventure of a real-life Witchity type–thus marking Tarot’s complete descent into Jim Balent doing fan-fiction starring his own characters–I thought I’d just offer up two quotes on the subject.

First, from last month’s Previews, a Diamond staffer’s opinion of the book:

“What these impressionable young men don’t know is that they just put down, quite possibly, the most female-empowering book in the whole shop.”

And secondly, from this issue:

“When I awoke, I felt the slithering of a tentacle upon my chest.”

You can probably see where I’m going with this. Clearly, someone has never read Dark Xena.

Usagi Yojimbo #110: I don’t usually talk about Usagi for the same reason that I skip over a lot of books: It’s so consistently good that I rarely have anything to say about it, and with over a hundred amazing issues and everything from an Eisner to a Parent’s Choice Award on Stan Sakai’s shelf, it’s not like that’s really news.

This issue, though, isn’t just everything I like abotut Usagi, it’s everything I like about comics. It’s a simple premise–Gen and Usagi are split up in a haunted forest and reunite with the possibility that one’s been replaced by a nine-tailed trickster fox–that belies the craftsmanship of Sakai’s work, and the end result is pure lighthearted enjoyment wrapped around a samurai battle. And honestly, if that sentence doesn’t convince you to jump on for this one, then nothing will.

It’s fantastic stuff, and if you’re a new reader, it’s a done-in-one that makes it ideal for jumping on. And if you’re not, well.. Pretty awesome, right?

Right.

 

JACK KIRBY’S FOURTH WORLD V.4:

EVEN GODS MUST DIE!

FINAL BATTLES ARE FOUGHT IN THE STREETS!
FINAL BATTLES ARE FOUGHT BY THE POWERLESS!
FINAL BATTLES ARE DECIDED BY…

THE HUNGER DOGS!!

And that’s more or less the week! As always, any questions or comments on this week’s titles–like whether Jonathan Hickman’s Transhuman maintains the words-to-awesome ratio of his other books (it does!) or if it was totally awesome when Damage Control took on the Chrysler Building in what I hope is a prelude to a new ongoing series (it was! I do!)–can be left in the comments section below.

So here’s the weird thing: This week’s issue of Immortal Iron Fist contained exactly zero kicks to the face. None. It is what the French would call sans un coup-de-pied. And as you might expect, this has shattered my faith in the world.

If Iron Fist doesn’t have face-kicking, then… then do we really know what to expect from anything? Will the sun rise tomorrow? Do I even know who I am anymore?! Up is down and black is white, people! Cats and dogs! Sleeping together! Mass hysteria–

Ah, that’s better.

Once again, the site of a patriotic hero putting the boots to a guy dressed like a snake has brought me back from the brink of madness, and that can only mean that it’s time once again for another round of the Internet’s Most Combative Comics Reviews! Here’s what I picked up this week…

But can any of them restore my faith in the order of the Universe?

Comics

Amazing Spider-Man #554: I realize that I’m probably going to regret saying this in a couple of years–or, you know, months–but I actually kinda like Freak.

Not in this story, you understand: Here, as my pal Chad pointed out, Freak is pretty much an updated version of Carnage, and between the gross-out appearance and the fact that he’s a villain who stops to take a hit of crystal meth on-panel before fighting Spider-Man (because, you know, it’s an All Ages book and all) , I get the feeling that Bob Gale dusted off the DeLorean and grabbed a plot from 1991. But for all that, there’s something appealing about having a villain that can have a new appearance and a new set of powers every time he shows up. It’s essentially Dial V for Villain vs. Spider-Man, and that’s an idea that has some potential. It’s just that not a lot of it’s used this week.

Beyond that, though, there are more rough bits in this one than there have been since the relaunch: Phil Jiminez drawing Spider-Man’s head in completely different shapes when he’s masked, for example, or the fact that a guy as allegedly smart as Peter Parker should know better than to bring a) cigars, and b) bad news to a guy who just had a heart attack. Admittedly, I might be more sensitive to that last one than the average reader given where I spent most of last March and October, but this is common sense, and the casual way that he drops the bad news makes him come off as far more of a dick than Our Hero ever should. It’s obviously meant to be played for laughs, but it’s clumsy and it misses the mark by a huge margin.

That said, it’s still not a terrible comic, and since that’s something you couldn’t say about Amazing a year ago, I think they can probably still chalk that up as a win.

Ex Machina #35: Now that Y – The Last Man‘s finally wrapped up, it looks like this is going to be the only onging series by Brian K. Vaughan that we’re getting for a while, so it’s a good thing that it’s sharply written and highly enjoyable.

This time around, though, it’s not the script that caught my eye, but rather the art, because in this issue, Mitchell Hundred is totally using the Nerf Secret Shot:

See, it’s the Secret Shot because there’s a secondary barrel hidden in the grip, and when you move the “sight” down to the side, it switches it over to firing from that one instead. It is, therefore, absolutely perfect for shooting your way out of a “Hands-Up” situation, but–as you might expect–neighborhood children rarely attempt to take prisoners during games of Let’s Shoot Each Others’ Eyes Out.

Regardless of how well it actually functioned, it was one of my favorites as a kid–which was in no small amount related to the fact that it looks like a comic book laser gun–and seeing it brandished by Mitchell Hundred as exactly that right on page one sent me into a haze of nostalgia that I’m not sure I can get out of without buying some crazy dart rifle and sniping at customers. So, you know: Be advised.

Huh? Comic? Oh, right, it’s really good. You should all be reading it.

The Immortal Iron Fist #13: For as much as I was poking fun at it earlier, the fact of the matter is that this issue of Iron Fist has the least amount of fighting that we’ve seen in the series thus far… but it’s also one of the best.

I know: I can barely believe it myself, especially given that the standard for entertainment value in this book was set pretty high a couple months ago in a story where a man turned into green lightning during a kung fu tournament and handed out one of the most severe beatdowns in comics history. With this one, though, it’s a completely different game: This issue is the setup for the fight that Brubaker and Fraction have been building to for a year, and they pull it off masterfully, from Danny’s conversation with Yu-Ti right down to the very last page.

And what a last page it is. It’s telegraphed right from page six with the line “Danny has a plan,” and I don’t think it’s spoiling much to say that Danny’s plan involves beating the crap out of people until everything works out okay, but when it hits, it’s easily one of the most exciting things I’ve seen in a long, long while. I mean, those last two lines alone are worth the price of admission. Great stuff.

The Incredible Hercules #115: In a perfect world, every single comic book would be like this one.

Bold statement, I know, so let me back that up with a brief summary of what actually goes on here. In this issue, SHIELD attempts to take down the Behemoth–a special Hellicarrier built specifically for fighting Godzilla that’s currently been hijacked by Amadeus Cho–by throwing every piece of ordnance they have and the God of War at it, which of course leads to Hercules and Ares standing on the hull, grabbing missiles out of the air and hitting each other with them while they give broad, sweeping speeches about the nature of man’s fallability and why we see ourselves in the gods we make.

It is, therefore, the perfect Marvel Comic.

I’ve mentioned before that it’s very reminiscent of Walt Simonson’s run on Thor, and while that’s an easy comparison to make given the books’ protagonists, it goes beyond just the mythology. Of course, that is a major aspect of the story, and in this issue it’s as much at the forefront as the others. It’s the style of the storytelling, though, that really strikes a chord.

It’s the way that the big, non-stop action scenes are built around the parallel stories that drive the book, the way that Van Lente and Pak define their characters as creatures of stories and legends first and foremost–even among their peers, like Black Widow in the last issue–and more than that, how fun it all is. Ares alone has had some of the best dialogue Marvel’s seen since Nextwave got the axe, and that continues through this one. Even the sound effects–an explosion that goes “KHOIPHOOM” in a book drawn by Khoi Pham, just like World War Hulk–are an indication of how much fun they’re having making the comic, and that comes right through for the reader.

Now if only John Workman was lettering it…

Screamland #1: Aside from a brief obsession with the Universal Monsters when I was around nine, classic horror’s never really been my bag, so I initially skipped over Screamland when I saw it in Previews, figuring that it probably wasn’t for me. Cut to a couple of weeks later, however, and writer Harold Sipe invited me to take a look at the first issue, and since I don’t usually turn down free comics, I said sure.

And I’m glad I did, because Screamland‘s actually really entertaining, even for someone whose interest in the source matieral peaked in the fourth grade. The plot is as follows: The Big Four of the monster movie circuit–Frankenstein’s Monster, the Wolfman, the Mummy and Dracula–are not only real, but made their fortunes playing themselves in horror movies back in the day before CGI made it far less cost-effective to actually hire the aging monsters, leaving them with the remnants of their film careers. And now, of course, their manager’s got a plan to bring them back.

It’s a simple but intriguing premise, and Sipe and artist Hector Casanova make the most of it, opening the book on the set of a low-budget picture on the classic theme of Monsters vs. Lesbians that’s directed by a suspiciously Ed Wood-ish type, and then dropping a line that totally seals the deal: “My father was Mr. Frankenstein. I hope to God you’ve got booze in that thing.”

Needless to say, I ended up liking it an awful lot, and then completely forgot to mention it when it actually came out last week. But the good news is that it should still be available (or at least available to order) at your local shop, so give it a shot. You know you want to find out about the Wolfman’s adventures on the con circuit, right?

Tiny Titans #2: I don’t mind saying that when the first issue of Tiny Titans hit last month, I found myself not particularly caring for it. I am, after all, about two decades out of the target audience for this one, and let’s face it, folks: The last guy the Johnny DC line should be trying to please is the guy who has enough Showcase volumes to build a small fort.

This issue, though, hit the mark where the previous one failed, and I’m not even really sure why. It could be the way that Art Baltazar’s expressions seem to get a little more expressive on the second time out, or the way that this issue’s primary themes mirror those of my own childhood with an emphasis on unrequited love and rock-throwing. It could be the surreality of Cyborg having an EZ Bake Oven built into his torso that his friends are always taking advantage of. Or maybe–just maybe–it could be that I am totally awesome at matching games. Either way, it turned out ot be pretty fun. Get one, read it, and pass it along to a kid. Maybe one day they’ll have a Showcase Fort of their own to show for it.

Wasteland #15: I haven’t talked about Antony Johnston and Christopher Mitten’s Wasteland in a while, for the simple reason that if you’re not already reading it after reviews so positive that they got me on the back cover twice–an honor that goes to Friend of the ISB Dave Lartigue this month–then you’re probably just here to see if I’m going to compare my comics to fictional cheerleaders again. So, uh, sorry to disappoint on that front.

In any case, it’s always worth saying again that Wasteland is probably the best take on the Post-Apocalyptic Western in any media in years, and definitely the best in comics, owing largely to the rich, deep world in which it takes place. It’s so good, in fact, that it’s made me break one of my usual rules this week. See, I cannot stand it when writers spend their time purposely making their dialogue harder to read, whether it’s swapping out a few pages’ worth of dialogue for Kryptonian or something a little more creative than a font switch. And with this issue, that’s what Johnston’s done, giving us the origin of the Sand-Eaters in their own corrupted–but eventually readable–language. And I read every bit, because that’s the kind of book Wasteland is: It makes you want to work to get more out of it, and that’s a quality that’s hard to find in anything.

Trades

The Dirty Pair Strikes Again: I’m pretty sure I didn’t even get halfway through the first Dirty Pair before I set it down and got distracted by something else–probably something drawn by Adam Warren, now that I think of it–but that’s an oversight that I’ve been meaning to correct for a while, and now, I’m pretty sure I have to finish it up, because just flipped this one open to a random page and found a section where Kei explains to the reader what a Lumberjack Death Match is.

This, for the record, is the first time I’ve ever seen that happen in a book, and in case you guys forgot, I once read an entire novel about pro wrestlers fighting terrorists. Clearly, this has the potential to be the best book ever.

North World v.1: I was going to pick this one up anyway, but fortunately for me, the very good folks over at Oni saw fit to provide me with a copy to review, so expect that pretty soon.

There is one thing I’d like to say tonight, though, and that is this: If you can read this page and not want to read this thing immediately, then you’re beyond my help.

And on that note of bear-fighting excitment, that’s the week! As always, recipes and questions on anything I read or skipped over this week can be left in the comments section below, but as for me, well, there’s this new guy in training for LawyerOff 2K8, and he ain’t gonna get that Not Guilty verdict by himself, folks.

Huh. Who knew everybody liked Pulp that much?

Anyway, you know what else people like? A good ol’ fashioned kick to the face!

Oh relax. She’s a ninja. They get that all the time.

Anyway, it’s Thursday night, and that means that it’s time for another round of the Internet’s Most Common Comics Reviews! Here’s what I picked up this week…

…but were they any better than dancing, drinking, and screwing? Well, no. But some of ’em were pretty good anyway!

Comics

Amazing Spider-Man #553: So, it’s the second part of Bob Gale’s first three-issue term as writer on Amazing, and it looks like I might’ve been a little too harsh in the judgement I handed down last week. It’s still my least favorite of the three stories thus far, but I ended up enjoying this issue far more than I expected to.

Admittedly, I’m sure a lot of that comes from nostalgia. For all my talk about forward momentum and not wanting to see the same thing we always see from a character–and make no mistake, the thrice-monthly Spider-Man has all the earmarks of a “Greatest Hits” run, albeit an enjoyable one–there’s always going to be a big part of me that gets a kick out of seeing Peter Parker figuring out new ways to use his camera or being forced into an extremely awkward social situation by his boss. Of course, it helps when the stuff I want to see is actually written in a reasonably competent manner, and at the very least, “reasonably competent” is certainly something that Brand New Day’s brought to the table each time.

Er, not to damn it with faint praise or anything. You guys know what I mean.

Anyway, that said, it’s not as though this issue’s without its faults, most notably the way that this issue goes even further than last in its depiction of the grotesque. And by that, I mean the fact that an inside-out monster-man with giant, grub-like intestines hanging out of his body gets shot in the head right there on page four. To be fair, the headshot is silhouetted, but the part with the guts is right there in glorious Marvelchrome, and from a book that was joking about having to cut away from one of the Enforcers putting the squeeze on a bookie last month to keep its “All Ages” rating, it seems like the team’s either pushing an joke that wasn’t that funny to its logical extreme or just not paying attention.

Just to put it in context, though, I imagine it’s still a lot more kid-friendly than Spider-Man throwing a tantrum where he threatens to murder the Kingpin by choking him on his (Spider-Man’s) bodily fluids and then sells his soul to the Devil, but man. I coulda done without the guts.

But then again, this is a comic where a key plot point is preceded by the line “Hey! Spider-Man’s pants!” How can I stay mad at that?

Atomic Robo #6: You know, I don’t generally single out individual lines or panels as being the best of the week type of thing with my reviews–the closest I get is the weekly kick, and those are more for my enjoyment than anyone else’s–but brother, if I did, then this issue of Atomic Robo would win hands down for this exchange between Helsingard and Robo:

“Are we not men of SCIENCE?”

“I’m a robot and you’re a brain in a jar. Is this a trick question?”

In my book, that’s as clsoe as you’re going to get to a perfect bit of pulp-action comedy, and more than anything else, it captures the spirit of what Clevenger and Wegener are doing with this one. I’ve had a couple of minor problems with the series as a whole–mostly in the way that Clevinger’s issues seem to just stop rather than end–but in this issue, they’re doing something that just grabs a fight comic and throttles it until there’s nothing left but the fun. It’s good stuff, and I’m more than a little excited at the fact that there’s a second volume coming down the line later this year. Give it a read.

Booster Gold #7: I know I say this every month, but for real, you guys: If you’d told me two years ago that I’d be reading a book where Booster Gold and a resurrected Ted Kord fight an army of OMACs in a dystopia where Maxwell Lord made Alfred kill Batman and that I’d be telling everyone it was one of DC’s three best titles, I would’ve–ah, the hell with it. You know the rest.

By this point, with half a year (and a Zero Hour tie-in) of solid, highly enjoyable issues from Johns, Katz and Jurgens, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that Booster Gold‘s this good, but it’s one of those rare comics that’s always better than I expect it to be. Which, I suppose could just be a subconscious grudge I’ve been holding ever since I decided to read through a run of Extreme Justice back in ’06, but I’m pretty sure that Booster actually is just that good.

Yeah, I know. Weird, isn’t it?

BPRD: 1946 #3: One of the things that I talk about pretty often over the course of these little chats we have every week is the relationship between a great high concept and said concept’s execution, and–more often than not–how the execution can fail to live up to the premise. With Mignola, Dysart and Azaceta’s story of the origins of the BPRD, though, it’s the exact opposite.

Bear with me here. Mike Mignola is, after all, no stranger to the great high concept, as his most famous creation has one of the best ones that the world of comics has ever seen: A demon summoned by Nazis but raised by Americans to become a paranormal investigator who hunts down ghost stories and beats them into submission with a giant stone hand that may or may not be the key to Armageddon. That’s supernatural action boiled down to its core elements and mixed with a liberal dose of pulp–the fiction, not the band–that sells itself even without the fact that Mignola’s one of the medium’s greatest craftsmen.

With 1946, though, it’s different. This issue in particular is about a beleagured academic and a Little Girl Who Is Actually A Demon investigating an asylum run by Nazis who secretly created insane half-vampires in a hidden laboratory. That, my friends, is a litany of cliches so done that I’m pretty sure it’s also the description of the starting adventure that came with the new edition of the Call of Cthulhu roleplaying game. And yet, it’s being pulled off so well that it’s quickly become second only to Universal Machine as my favorite installment yet of the BPRD series entire. And really, that all comes down to how well it’s actually done, and for tense, genuinely frightening storytelling, it doesn’t get a whole lot better than this.

Fantastic Four #555: I’m going to go ahead and cop to being mildly shocked that this one actually shipped on time, but after reading the issue, the word that springs immediately to mind is “boring.”

I mean really, for all the excitement that Millar tries to capture with his Serious Business talk of the world coming to an end–but not in a way that’s silly, like you’d find, you know, in a comic book–this thing amounts to little more than twenty-three pages of paint-by numbers plotting that offers up everything you’d expect and nothing more. It opens with dialogue that could be spoken by virtually any woman Millar’s written in the past five years and continues into a story that tries its level best to pass off grand, sweeping visuals and pseudoscience as storytelling, with a quick stop at a conversation with the Thing. And we know it’s the Thing, because he says “Stretcho” and “wuz,” which is a handy signifier that saves the time of actually having him do anything. And while I had originally thought that Sue wasn’t in the issue, well, she is the Invisible Woman, so I guess she could’ve been in every panel.

And then there’s our presumable villain, which–let’s be honest here–might as well have had the announcer and musical stings from the 1966 Batman show to introduce it: “What’s this? A robot designed to eliminate crime? But all is not what it seems at the Earth Trust, as our heroes are about to discover!” It’d be fun if it wasn’t supposed to be good, and for this issue at least, that’s a goal that it falls well short of, if only by virtue of not being anything.

GI Joe: America’s Elite #33: This, on the other hand is not boring at all, for the simple reason that it is the only comic book I own that features none other than Rowdy Roddy Piper. Yes, friends: The star of They Live, Hell Comes To Frogtown and–no foolin’–Super Sweet 16: The Movie, the ring veteran from Winnipeg Glasgow who duked it out with Mr. T himself at WrestleMania VI has finally been formally enshrined in the comic book pantheon that is COBRA.

And who, I ask you, is responsible for this turn of events? Who brought the Rowdy One into the Iron Grenadiers to counteract the edge given to the Joes by their training under Sgt. Slaughter?

Who else? DESTRO!

Truly, it is a wonderful time to be alive.

The Goon #22: Okay, look: Now I’m not complaining by any means, because trust me: I’m as happy as anyone about the fact that The Goon is coming out monthly with Eric Powell turning in the same great level of quality, humor, violence and dynamite-related hijinx. And I’m thrilled by the way that he’s advancing the series, tearing down the Zombie Priest and replacing him with something even worse. That’s all well and good. Great, even.

I’m just saying, if I was having burlesque dancers over for “modeling” sessions where I “sketched” them and retaining the services of my own personal cagefighter, I’d be way to happy to write a story where a guy’s mom gets shot down in the middle of the street.

S’all I’m sayin’.

The Punisher #55: High on the list of clichés in comics advertising–just under its cousin, “A Bold New Direction!”–is the phrase “The End of an Era,” but every once in a while, it applies. And with this issue being the start of Garth Ennis’ last arc on The Punisher, I think it’s safe to say that an era is coming to an end. And at this point, I’m perfectly okay with that.

It’s not that I don’t think Ennis is doing a good job with the character. Far from it: This is, after all, a guy who convinced me long after I’d caught onto the formulaic aspect of his stories that he could still do some of the most gut-wrenching, emotionally brutal scenes I’ve ever read, so as far as I’m concerned, that guy could stay on the Punisher for the rest of our natural lives and I’d buy it every month.

But I doubt that’s what Ennis wants to do. He’s been writing about Frank Castle for almost eight years now, and even for a guy who’s known for long runs, that’s got to wear on you after a while. But by the same token, ninety issues–with a couple of fill-ins–is no small achievement, so if Ennis says it’s time to go, it’s time to go.

I just wish Steve Dillon would’ve come back for the last arc, if only for the symmetry. Well, and the fact that Steve Dillon is pretty awesome. I don’t know if you guys have noticed, but I’m kind of a fan.

Trades

Empowered v.3: So by this point, all I should really have to say is “Hey. The new volume of Empowered is available for purchase,” and then any stragglers (or latecomers to a comic shop that under-ordered it–sorry, everybody) would rush out, get it, and then we could all bask in its warm, life-giving glow.

Because for real you guys, this is a book that’s been pretty much universally praised, and for that to happen with a series that spins out of Adam Warren getting commissioned to draw super-heroines in bondage, that alone should serve as a better indicator of how good it is than anything I could write. Still, for those of you who haven’t jumped on yet, let me assure you: This book has everything you never knew you wanted to see until you heard about it, at which time you needed to see them.

I speak, of course, of things like the pirate-themed supra-bondage specialists of A.R.R. Of scenes that will show you what it would be like if Adam Warren had drawn Sin City instead of Frank Miller. Of yaoi drawn by Runaways and Buffy the Vampire Slayer cover artist Jo Chen. Of a fight scene that, seriously, I don’t want to spoil it, but I never thought I’d get to use the word “stump-punch” to describe anything but 1979’s Crippled Masters. I speak of a world where we get three brand-new Adam Warren graphic novels in one year.

Although to be fair, I always knew I wanted that last one.

Gumby v.1: I’ve spoken about the pure, beautiful joy that is Bob Burden and Rick Geary’s Gumby before, but just a reminder, folks: This is a story where Gumby–brainwashed into becoming a Golem, complete with –has to save his girlfriend Cuddles by battling evil carnies alongside the astral form of Johnny Cash, who descends from heaven to help him in his time of need.

And it is now collected in trade. You have no excuse for not owning it.

And on that vaguely threatening note, that’s the week! But while you’re here, why not go check out Say It Backwards to find out how you can help raise some money for a very good cause? It’s what Superman would want. And probably Gumby, too.

Then, when you get back, if you’ve got any questions or comments about something I read or skipped this week, feel free to drop a line in the comments section below. As for me, well, Super Smash Bros.. You know how I roll.

It’s the first week of March, which means that at long last, we’ve entered the green-beery haze that leads to St. Patrick’s day. And that, in turn, means that if Chris Claremont was writing this introduction, it’d include a “begorrah” and at least one “sure’n ’tis.”

Since it’s Chris Sims doing the job, though, you’ll just have to settle for one of these:

And all things considered, I think that works out a little better.

In any case, after a slight delay caused by Commander Shepherd’s quest to save the galaxy my need to catch up on some sleep, it’s time once again for the Internet’s Most Timely Comics Reviews! Here’s what I bought this week…

And while only I can appreciate the genius of Sabrina the Teenage Witch, there might be a few in there that you guys like.

Comics

Amazing Spider-Man #552: This week’s installment of the not-quite-weekly adventures of Spider-Man marks the debut of Bob Gale, probably better known to the public at large as the screenwriter of Back to the Future, so it comes as a bit of a surprise that this was the issue I’ve liked the least since “Brand New Day” started.

I mean, it’s not like I was expecting this issue to involve Spider-Man web-sligning his way back to 1955 and inadvertently romancing a young, hot Aunt May or anything–because that would’ve been terrible, but, now that I think of it, still better than Trouble–and overall, the story’s still got the same zippiness that’s made the previous issues enjoyable. It’s still not bad, but there are little things, like Dexter Bennett’s 180 on stories about Spider-Man or the fact that a guy who lives in New York in the Marvel Universe (which, you know, was just leveled by a big green monster and his crew of space gladiators) assumes that a weird chrysalis is a special effect, that are a little distracting.

The weirdest thing, though, is the caption advising us that we’re cutting away from violence “before it gets too grueseome for our all-ages comic,” which comes five pages after a guy pukes up a tentacle monster and three pages before said guy is revealed to have pretty much been turned inside out in a big, full-page shot by Phil Jimenez. Now, it’s obvious that the caption is a joke that’s meant to be done in the style of “classic” Marvel narration than anything else (which is another touch that the BND stuff has been playing up over the past three months), but when it’s markedly incongruous with the rest of the issue, it does more to draw attention to the stuff that isn’t in line with the sense of fun–like, you know, alley puke–than reinforce what is.

On the bright side, though, this issue does include an ad for what is unquestionably the greatest pastry in Marvel History:

They’re the cool exec with a heart of delicious cake!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer #12: So, this issue of Buffy includes an all-out siege on the slayers–not to be confused with Siege on Slayer, the concept album where AxeWülf covers the entirety of Reign In Blood–by Japanese ninja vampire assassins and the shocking last-page return of Dracula, but let’s be honest here, folks: there’s only one page in this issue that anyone’s going to be talking about.

Because this issue, after all, is where Buffy engages in an invigorating round of lesbian sex with Satsu, and this is slightly problematic. On a purely technical level, the scene where we cut to someone laying in bed with a brand new lover and going “Wow” is such a monumental cliché that we never need to see it again. Really, I think it all boils down to the “wow”; with any other exclamation up to and including Buffy going “Hot damn! Vaginas!” it would’ve worked a lot better.

Beyond that, though, there’s the development itself. On the one hand, the fact that “Executive Producer” Joss Whedon and writer Drew Goddard have plotted out a scene where their main character makes a sudden shift in her sexuality–and comes to the conclusion that it’s the bee’s knees–is endemic of a larger problem with Whedon’s work as a whole. We’ve seen this sort of thing happen before, with Willow (who was in in love with Xander and Oz before her sapphic revelation) and elsewhere, and while it’s believable once, getting it again just seems to point to an underlying belief–shared by ardent fans of Girls Gone Wild–that all women are just a t-shirt away from making out with each other.

On the other hand, in seven seasons of the TV show, the relationships that we’ve seen Buffy in haven’t exactly been standard-issue. In one, she has a one-night stand with a total jerk; in another, her boyfriend turns evil shortly after they have sex; her relationship with Riley ends with him in a self-destructive jaunt into a thinly-veiled drug metaphor; and her season’s worth of grudge-fucking Spike ends with her getting slapped around. The fact that this isn’t exactly a paean to feminism aside, it’s set a precedent for Buffy, and it’s not entirely out of character to assume that she’d be up for “experimenting,” especially with what essentially amounts to the diametric opposite of her previous lovers.

Me, I think it’s a bit of an eye-roller, but I will say that I wasn’t expecting it to go in the direction that it did, with a very funny escalation of people intruding on the afterglow until the whole cast shows up. It’s a great moment of farce that defuses the moment–at least until the issue’s over–and by the time Dawn shows up, I was laughing aloud while I read it. It’s a great bit, and while the implications of the relationship don’t do a whole lot for me (for reasons seen above), it’s part and parcel of what you’re going to get from Buffy in the first place, and there’s enough there that I actually do like to keep me reading.

Comic Book Comics #1: ISB readers will no doubt recall my intense and undying affection for Fred Van Lente and Ryan Dunlavey’s Action Philosophers!–and the sharper-eyed readers might’ve noticed that I’m even quoted on the back cover to v.3–so it might be understating it a bit to say that I’ve been looking forward to their take on the history of comic books ever since it was announced, and even more since their story in the Spinner Rack anthology that detailed the history of Crime Does Not Pay–which, incidentally, you can read for free on the CBC website.

That said, it’s rare that something comes along that meets expectations that high, and with Comic Book Comics, Van Lente and Dunlavey are not only as good as I wanted them to be, but even better.

If you’ve read Action Philosophers! (and if you haven’t, then shame on you), then you probably know what the deal is already: Van Lente’s painstakingly researched history of the medium boiled down to its essentials and coupled with Dunlavey’s great cartooning, all adding up to one of the most enjoyable reads on the subject that you’re going to find. It’s the two of them at their best, zipping through twenty-eight jam-packed pages of story as they go from the invention of the modern comic strip to the Secret Origin of Jack Kirby, with a brief stop at the creators re-enacting “Who’s On First” to keep things moving along.

It’s truly fascinating stuff, with this issue’s focus on the battle for animation supremacy between Max Fleisher and Walt Disney and how that, in turn, affected the burgeoning new medium of comics with its impact on guys like Jerry Siegel, Joe Simon and a young, fast-drawing artist called Jacob Kurtzberg, with emphasis on great moments like the editorial belief that nobody’d want to read about a guy who could throw around a car on the cover of Action Comics.

Admittedly, I’m more interested in the history of comic books than the average person, but when it’s presented like this, I can’t imagine anyone not wanting to read it. It’s great stuff, and like Action Philosophers!, anyone with even a casual interest in the comics industry ought to be checking it out.

Invincible Presents Atom Eve #2: With this issue, Friend of the ISB Benito Cereno and artist Nate Bellegarde–the team behind the highly enjoyable Hector Plasm, available now at your local shop–cap off the surprisingly violent, heartbreaking and, in places, downright disturbing origin of Invincible’s most prominent super-heroine, and to be honest, there are a couple of dodgy spots in this one. Presumably, that has something to do with Cereno going back to rewrite the ending after initially finishing it a couple of years ago and expanding it from a 48-page one-shot (as detailed in the very entertaining Cereno/Kirkman interview at the end of the issue), and regardless of these minor problems, it fits right in with its parent series in both tone and execution.

But the shortcomings are not the major issue here, and that is this: With the exception of last week’s “Damn you and your lemonade!” from the pages of All-Star Batman, “The season… is DEATH CHRISTMAS!” is probably the single greatest comic book catchphrase of the year. Seriously, if that’s not on a t-shirt by the end of the week, then somebody dropped the ball. Well-played, Cereno.

Justice League: The New Frontier Special: If I can add one more thing to the list I started above of things I never want to see again, it’s this: Another fight between Superman and Batman. I mean really: It’s been done to death, and with the exception of the best Superman/Batman fight (the one from Death in the Family), they all end with Batman just whipping the crap out of Superman, and while that’s neat once, it gets old. My pal and co-writer Chad has even gone so far as to suggest that we go back to every fight and add a thought balloon to Superman that reads: “Easy now, Clark, remember: His parents are dead. Let him have his fun.”

That said, I’m willing to make an exception for Darwyn Cooke, because… well, because he’s Darwyn Cooke, and getting the background of the fight scene in New Frontier with a “lost chapter” was well worth retreading that old territory. And the rest of the issue’s a hoot, too: Getting to see the BBC–as Dave Bullock, J. Bone and Cooke were credited in the pages of Witchblade Animated–is always a treat, and I’m a pretty big fan of seeing the Teen Titans saving John F. Kennedy in general, but the last story just cracked me up. Kevin might’ve seen the joke on the last page coming, but even if I had, the fact that the story uses both “FIGHT!” and “FRACTURE!” as sound effects would’ve kept me happy for hours.

Northlanders #4: Last month, I referred to Northlanders as Brian Wood’s Emo Vikings, and it’s come to my attention that Wood might’ve taken a little offense at what, admittedly, could’ve easily come off as dismissive. That, of course, wasn’t my intent at all, but rather an attempt to contextualize the series and its protagonist’s similarities to those in Wood’s more contemporary body of work, like DMZ or The Couriers. Hopefully, that clears things up.

So anyway, this issue takes a surprising turn, as Sven, rather than continuing his attempts to retrieve his brithright from his uncle, spends the entire issue listening to Dashboard Confessional and shopping online for size-too-small ironic t-shirts, and while I’m no expert on history, I have serious doubts that hot pink Converse hi-tops were even available in 986 AD.

But I kid. In reality, Northlanders continues to be a highly enjoyable comic, with Wood’s script really hitting its stride here as Sven’s story escalates from its self-serving initial goals to the brutal consequences of his one-man campaign. It’s good stuff, and as always, Davide Gianfelice’s art is gorgeous. It might just be that I haven’t noticed them before now, but this issue’s got a lot of larger panels that he puts to good use, with great shots like riders tearing through the snow and the aftermath of their raid on Ivarsson. It looks great, especially under Dave McCaig’s coloring, which uses washed-out, mostly monochromatic palettes better than most who try to pull it off. And no, there’s not a single note of Dashboard Confessional to be found in the book.

I think I caught a bit of The Bravery, though.

Pax Romana #2: I’ve mentioned before that I’m a fan of the High Concept book, and believe me: They don’t come any more High Concept than this one, the story of an army sent back in time by the Catholic church to shape the world and ensure that the Roman Empire never falls. It’s a premise that’s interesting right off the bat, begging the question as to how different the world could be if even a small group of men armed with twenty-first century weapons and technology could affect the course of events, and how devastating those changes would be to history as we know it.

Of course, I’ve also said that a High Concept can only get you so far if the execution falls short, but it should come as no surprise to anyone who read Jonathan Hickman’s previous effort–last year’s great Nightly News–that he pulls it off very well, with an impressive amount of research underlying a story that’s irresistably engaging. Stylistically, it bears a strong resemblance to Nightly News, right down to the way the time travel in the first issue is represented by a highly stylized timeline, but that’s not a bad thing, and even the wide swaths of text that replace art when the characters sit down to talk about how they’re going to run the world are so interesting and densely-packed that it feels like it’s worth every penny of the $3.50 cover price. It’s excellent stuff, so if you catch it at your shop–or Hickman’s upcoming Red Mass For Mars–give it a shot.

Uncanny X-Men #496: Considering that I’m a comics reader who spent the majority of my teenage years in the ’90s, it probably goes without saying that I’ve read a lot of stories about the X-Men. And for good reason: I actually really like the team, although it’s rare that they’re actually good enough to bother with.

Point being, it’s not often that I get to say this, but in this issue, Ed Brubaker’s doing the kind of story that I haven’t really seen from the X-Men before. The idea that there’s someone whose mutant powers are slowly throwing San Francisco and its citizens back to the ’60s seems more like a Bronze-Age Bill Mantlo story than anything we’ve seen in the constant state of crossover in which the team’s existed for the past fifteen years, and for me at least, that’s pretty exciting. Especially since, you know, Brubaker even throws in a sleeping Celestial for good measure.

Even the subplot of Collossus, Wolverine and Nightcrawler’s European Vacation is an enjoyable read, and while the last thing the X-Men need is more nostalgia, the joke about the issue where they take Collossus out to the bar and make him fight the Juggernaut served as a nice point of comparison to the current situation, since that was originally brought on by Collossus dumping Kitty Pryde after Secret Wars, and this one’s brought on by Kitty apparently getting killed at the end of Astonishing X-Men.

Of course, it probably would’ve been nicer to reference that after it happened in Astonishing, but come on: We figured that one out months ago.

And that’s the week! Well, the week plus a day, anyway. As always, any questions or concerns can be brought up in the comments section below, but me, well… The galaxy ain’t gonna save itself from the Reapers, folks.

You know, I don’t know what Bucky’s favorite song is, but I do know that he likes to hear a little Sweet Chin Music:

Finally: He has achieved his boyhood dream.

But enough thinly veiled references to the WWE! After all, it’s Thursday Night on the ISB, and that can only mean that it’s time for another round of the Internet’s Most Heartbreaking Comics Reviews!

Here’s what I picked up this week…

…but could any of them succeed without the juggernaut of hype that is MySpace.com? Find out now!

Comics

All-Star Batman and Robin, the Boy Wonder #9: Wow.

What can I say about this issue of All-Star Batman that hasn’t been said already about Russ Meyer’s 1965 classic Motorpsycho? How about this: After the dismal effort that Miller and Lee put forth last issue–wherein the most enjoyable story element was a cover that featured the Joker’s massive Yakuza tattoo–this one represents a pretty strong return to form, as it is hilarious, awful, and–perhaps most important of all–hilariously awful. And surprisingly, Miller never once refers to his title character as “The Goddamn Batman.”

And really, if that hardcover comes out and it’s not called All-Star Batman v.1: I’m the Goddamn Batman, then DC’s Marketing Department will have severely dropped the ball.

Instead, Miller goes to the old comedic standby of having a twelve year-old carny punch Green Lantern’s throat out, and now that I actually typed that out, I had to go back and make sure that it actually happened and wasn’t just part of some beautiful fever dream. And sure enough, there it is, right between “DAMN YOU AND YOUR LEMONADE!”–easily the best new catchphrase of 2008–and the scene where Batman decides that it’s time to go cry. And that, my friends, is the sum total of this issue’s plot.

Fan-tastic.

Blue Beetle #24: When it’s all said and done, there is no doubt in my mind that Rogers and Albuquerque’s run on Blue Beetle is going to go down as one of the best DC Comics of its time.

Of course, I also have the sneaking suspicion that it’s going to go down as one of the more underrated titles, but what matters more is that this is a book that just does not miss a step, and this issue shines even more than most. It’s got all the standard elements, even clichés, of the sweeping super-hero epic: the hero stripped of his powers and facing down a massive, unstoppable force with nothing but his own daring and wits–not even pants. But Rogers manages to pull it off in a way that’s more thrilling, engaging, and downright fun than just about any other comic out there, and the art just compliments it perfectly.

I know I’m approaching hyperbole here–and that I sound like I passed it a few minutes ago–but I can honestly say that Blue Beetle is one of those few titles out right now that reminds me every month why I’ve been reading comics for the past twenty years, so if you haven’t already, give it a shot. After all, a new trade hit the shelves this week, too, and I’m pretty sure it’s got a story called “Total Eclipso: The Heart.” And if that’s not genius, then brother, I don’t know what is.

Crime Bible: Five Lessons of Blood #5: Well, that one sorta ground to a halt there, didn’t it?

Don’t get me wrong: I like Greg Rucka a lot, especially when it comes to stuff like Queen & Country or Checkmate, which holds a place in my heart very similar to what I discussed above, but this one… this one just does nothing for me, despite my best efforts to give it a shot. Instead, it just sort of sits there boasting some truly awful tough-guy dialogue and a plot that just meanders around until it eventually just stops, rather than coming to an actual ending.

It’s tempting to say that the problem here is that Rucka’s taking what struck me as a very, very silly concept and treating it as Very Serious Business, right down to the overwrought Crime Bible passages that lead every issue, but the fact of the matter is that comics are all about taking silly concepts and treating them seriously, so it really just amounts to a comic book that’s not all that interesting.

Or maybe it’s just that hat she’s wearing. Makes her look like she should be in the video for “Smooth Criminal,” I swear.

Criminal v.2 #1: I’ll tell you right now that reviewing this week’s issue of Criminal is all but pointless. After all, there’s really not a whole lot I can say about a comic that achieves its goal as perfectly as it possibly can.

And that’s exactly what this one does. Not that anyone should really be shocked by this: Criminal‘s won enough Eisners at this point that I’m pretty sure the word’s gotten out about how good it is, and even if you haven’t read a single issue, there’s always the chance that you’ve read some of Brubaker and Phillips’ previous collaboration, the flat-out phenomenal Sleeper. So yeah, the fact that these guys are putting out some good comics isn’t really news.

But when something this good comes out, it’s always worth mentioning. Make no mistake: The story in this issue is bleak, and even if you missed out on the first stories and don’t know how Gnarly ends up, the indication that things aren’t going to work out well starts early and often, and just gets hammered home through the rest of the issue.

But that’s what’s so good about it: Its relentless portrayal of a guy boxed into a bad situation with no way out, with all the noir-style trappings heaped on top of him for good measure that just hits you right in the gut by the time it all finishes. And believe me: That’s something these guys know how to deliver.

Kick-Ass #1: Well, that was no damn good.

Yeah, I know: Given the type of comics I tend to get a kick out of, along with Mark Millar and John Romita Jr.’s track record with Wolverine: Enemy of the State, one of the most purely enjoyable fight comics of the past few years, you’d think this one would be a slam dunk. And yet, the reality of the situation is significantly less enjoyable than it ought to be.

To be fair, JR Jr. draws the living hell out of the book–which, you know, is what JR Jr. does–but all the pretty art in the world can only do so much with what essentially amounts to commercials for Marvel Comics with stunted, incredibly unnatural dialogue and the most predictable ending that the issue could’ve had.

I mean really: It’s obvious that Millar’s going for something edgy or shocking with this one, but come on: How shocking can it be when we’ve been seeing interviews and assorted shilling for the past three months begging questions like “What would happen if a real person dressed in a costume and fought crime?” Well, they’d probably get their ass kicked, and hey! Turns out, that’s what happens, and while there’s no attempt to hide the fact that it’s heading in that direction (what with the framing sequence to start things off), that in turn sets up the “shocking” brutality of the issue’s climax to carry the weight of the story. And when your protagonist is just another Mark Millar Tough Guy in a different set of clothes–but, interestingly enough, with the same Paris Hilton jokes–it’s more trouble than it’s worth to be bothered to care.

And thus, I no longer do.

The Many Adventures of Miranda Mercury #295: So is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that ever since Mouse Guard–which was excellent this week, by the way–exploded into popularity last year, Archaia Studios, which I was previously aware of only as the publisher of Artesia, has started getting behind a bunch of new projects that don’t necessarily fit in with their usual MO? Not that I’m complaining at all, I just wantedto mention it.

In any case, one of those interesting new properties is Miranda Mercury, and while I was originally drawn to it by the book’s High Concept, but I was surprised at how many High Concepts this issue actually had. There’s the most obvious one, of course–The fact that the series is building towards its title character’s death in #300 without actually bothering with the hassle of actually doing the 25-odd years of comics to actually get to #300–but the issue itself has one, too: Miranda and her kid sidekick (“Jack Warning: The Boy With the Golden Brain”) have to solve an impossible cosmic Rubick’s Cube to free the soul of a godlike half-robot samurai who grants wishes.

Now that, my friends, is High Concept.

Of course, the big idea is only half the work; it’s the execution that matters in the end, and on that front, I’m happy to report that Brandon Thomas and Lee Ferguson do a pretty good job with Miranda’s first and/or two hundred ninety-fifth outing, with a story that went in a direction I really wasn’t expecting, casting the heroine as a much sterner character than her lightning-bolt ponytail would indicate, including a forty-two panel double page spread that actually makes solving a Rubik’s Cube come off as a very tense sequence. It’s very fun stuff, so give it a look.

The Nearly Infamous Zango #1: And at last, you now know the origin of the MySpace joke in tonight’s introduction: See, I’m a friend of ol’ Zango (FOOZ?) on MySpace (FOOZOM?), where creator Rob Osborne has been pretty diligent about promoting the release of Zango‘s first issue over the past few months–and just so we’re clear on this, I have absolutely no problem with that. Besides, in my case anyway, it totally worked, and I grabbed a copy Wednesday purely on a whim.

And I’m glad I did: For all of my skepticism when I originally saw it in Previews, Zango is actually pretty darn funny, and in a way I didn’t expect. Given that the cover and the opening scenes of the book itself feature a past-his-prime super-villain yelling at his television in bunny slippers, I was expecting it to veer more heavily to the slapstick, and while that’s there–along with what seems like the requisite “Lenny from Of Mice And Men” Joke, there’s a lot that’s very dry. A couple scenes, in fact, are more reminiscent of The Venture Brothers than anything else, like my favorite bit,an exchange between Zango and Deacon Dread, his chief henchman:

“You’re giving me a monkey?”

“Well I’m very unimpressed.”

I got a pretty good chuckle out of it, and while the violence of the first issue is a little jarring when it finally comes through, it’s far oughtweighed by some solid comedic bits and the main character’s apathetic approach to skullduggery. Look for it at your shop and give it a read.

And that’s the week, and man, there sure were a lot of indie books this time around. In any case, if you have any questions or comments about one of the roughly six million comics I bought this week, feel free to leave it in the comments section below, and rest assured that I plan on covering pretty much every single page of Showcase Presents Superman Family v.2. Halfway through the first story, and Jimmy’s already broken a dimensional barrier with his signal watch and gotten a pet genie.

In the meantime, though, I’m gonna go sleep off the rest of this cold and wait for Mass Effect to get here tomorrow. Happy Leap Day, everybody!

Well, thats that nonsense dealt with.

With the amorous fun of Valentine’s Day now officially behind us, it’s time to put aside once more our thoughts of aaaahhhhhROMANCE and focus instead on other things. And that’s probably for the best.

After all…

The heart, she is a fickle mistress.

But that–and its accompanying far-future facekick–are beside the point! So relax, crack open that Whitman’s Sampler, and enjoy another round of the Internet’s Most Sentimental Comics Reviews!

Here’s what my secret admirer left in my locker this week…

But did I like like them? Yes / No / Maybe!

Comics

Booster Gold #0: I’ve been reading comics long enough by this point that with most stuff, I have a pretty good idea of where I stand right off the bat. With Booster Gold, however, I’m constantly finding myself using phrases that even a couple of years ago, I never thought I’d be using. Phrases like “Boy, Booster Gold sure is a good comic,” for instance. In any case, here’s two more that came as something of a surprise:

“I can’t even tell you guys how happy it made me to open up the boxes and see an honest-to-God foil cover for this one,” and “Man, that scene with Parallax and Extant was great.”

How did this happen? I have no idea. But in a world where Geoff Johns, Jeff Katz and Dan Jurgens can come together and put out a Zero Hour tie-in in 2008 that’s funny, emotional and well worth reading, I guess anything‘s possible.

BPRD 1946 #2: Those of you who saw through my clever ruse and recognized my “Annotations” of the Anita Blake series for the scurrilous criticisms they really are might recall that I was pretty unimpressed by Laurenn J. Framingham’s use of the timeworn cliche of having her evil vampire boss turn out to actually be a little girl. Mike Mignola, however–who’s pulling what is essentially the same trick in this one with Varvara, the leader of the Soviet occult squad–gets a free pass, for two very important reasons: First, BPRD is not entirely terrible, and second (and more importantly), Mignola’s able to pull it off with a genuine creepiness that the competition lacks.

I can’t even really put my finger on why, but when she’s locked in a room with a lunatic-turned-vampire and emerges four panels later with her arm solid red with blood, calmly explaining what she learned before it died in an “accident,” it’s done to pretty great effect. But then again, considering that this is a comic where Mike Mignola’s telling a story about Hellboy’s dad fighting Nazi vampires, we all already knew it was going to be great. It’s just nice to see how great it really is.

Fantastic Four #554: Out of all the comics I bought today with the word “Fantastic” in the title, this one’s my least favorite, and considering that it wasn’t drawn by Jack Kirby and it doesn’t feature Stardust the Super Wizard, you can probably see why.

Still, that’s some pretty stiff competition to be up against, so the question remains as to how good this one actually was, and, well, I’m not that impressed. To be fair, it was a lot better than I thought it’d be: Millar’s characterization of the team isn’t as bad as his work with them in Civil War would lead you to believe. Even Reed, who came off as second only to Tony Stark in terms of outright dickishness is seen here as an affable science adventurer. The biggest problem on that front–for me, anyway–came with Johnny. Not only is he played off as a dilettante (thus rollilng back any character growth that we’ve seen since the Mark Waid run), but Millar feels it’s necessary to point out explicitly in the dialogue that he’s writing him as the super-heroic Paris Hilton on the off chance that we just didn’t get the joke.

Then again, if you didn’t expect a script with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the kneecap from a guy whose best recent work features Captain America flash-kicking a lightsaber-wielding jihadist in the face, that’s your fault, not his.

But that’s just where it starts, really, and while I know this is getting into fannish nitpicking territory here, this one has all the earmarks of Millar throwing out the Big Idea without bothering to support it first. Reed rebuilding Doombots into benign household servants as his way of “recycling” is a fine idea, but do you really want breakfast in bed from something that’s got the face of a guy who literally tortured your family for a week and tried to blow up your house? Twice?

Ben flirting with a schoolteacher’s all well and good, but what about Alicia? (And it’s entirely possible that they broke up again in the Straczynski run and I missed it, although considering that Dan Slott’s Thing series was all about getting them back together, that’d be more than a little ridiculous.)

As for the art, well, I’m not going to be the guy who says that Bryan Hitch isn’t a good artist, but I don’t care for the way he draws Ben Grimm at all. It’s purely a matter of preference, I guess, but even when you get past the issues with his head, Hitch draws him like a bodybuilder (narrow waist, broad shoulders and pecs, muscular arms) rather than the more hulking rock monster that I’ve come to prefer. Beyond that–and Sue’s haircut–it’s lovely. And on the whole, it’s interesting enough to keep me reading, but at this point, that’s all it is. Here’s hoping it picks up.

Fantastic Four: The Lost Adventure: And thus, as though I needed a reminder that I’ve got an as-yet-unread gigantic slab of Lee/Kirby FF sitting in the bedroom, we come to this one, and for me, this is about as much of a no-brainer as you can find. After all, it’s not every week that you get the chance to buy a “new” Kirby story (let alone fourteen years almost to the day after the King died), but how often do you get a new Stan Lee comic in this day and age that even has a chance at being better than Nightcat?

And this one succeeds on both counts, salvaged as it was from the art that was eventually chopped up and used for the included FF #108 and newly re-dialogued by Stan the Man, complete with the self-aggrandizing asides that we all expected. And while it makes for a perfectly serviceable look back at a neat piece of the Marvel Universe, it’s the bonus material here that makes this one really worth reading, with commentary from John Morrow and Kirby’s original pencils, complete with–and this is the cool part–his original script notes. There’s just something fun about seeing how it was all supposed to go, right down to the rough dialogue bits like “Did you know I was a World War 2 ace?”

It’s hardly necessary–and at $4.99, I don’t think anyone’s under the impression that it is–but if you’re somewhere between “Buys the Essentials” and “Full Run of The Jack Kirby Collector” on the fan scale, it makes for a neat read.

GI Joe: America’s Elite #32: So, uh. I guess I’m back on the GI Joe train.

Actually, I’ve been picking up America’s Elite for a while now–ever since the “World War III” story arc started, actually–and while I would’ve mentioned it earlier, every time it came out there was something going on that prevented me from writing the weekly reviews. Go back and check, you’ll see. And I promise that it was in no way because I was ashamed of being twenty-five years old and totally psyched about a story where all the Joes ever fight all the Cobras ever to the point where I’ve been picking up all the totally awesome 25th Anniversary Figures.

I mean, hell, you guys know I read Tarot; embarrassment is really not the issue here.

Anyway, back to the comic. As much as I’ve griped about (non-Mantlo) toy tie-ins in the past, I’m actually really enjoying this comic, and considering how super-serious it is, that’s a surprise. I’ve always preferred my Cobra to be more into, you know, having telethons or attempting to steal the entire state of Alaska, but this time around, they’re doing stuff like blowing up Boston and sending Destro to conquer France. I assure you, it’s all very serious business, but it’s also pretty entertaining, and it’s obvious that writer Mark Powers loves the hell out of some GI Joe.

As for me, my affection’s more rooted in this guy:

(Sketch courtesy of South Carolina’s own Jeremy Dale)

Seriously, you guys? I love Cobra Commander. I mean, that guy was such an unbelievable threat to America that they had to get the best soldiers in the Army, the best Marine, the best sailor in the Navy, the best pilot in the Air Force and five ninjas together to stop him, and yet his plans always revolve around nuclear-powered fast food restaurants, mind-control perfume and space-lasers that turn people into lizard cats or something. And if you don’t see something truly beautiful in that, then brother, you’re on the wrong website.

Jack Staff #14: I never thought I’d live to see the day that the phenomenal Jack Staff was actually coming out in color and monthly, but here we are. Truly, this is the best of all possible worlds!

And no, I’m not joking. I’ve been singing the praises of Paul Grist’s amazing comics since before I had the ISB, and for good reason: They are, without question, the most fun comics on the shelf. Everything about them is as perfect as it can be: The way Grist crams each issue full of content, driven by short, quick chapters featuring everyone from the title character to Detective Sgt. “Zipper” Nolan to the Agents of Q to Tom Tom the Robot Man to Becky Burdock: Vampire Reporter; Grist’s deceptively cartoonish pencils that draw you into the best page layouts in the business; it’s all incredible, and each page is a reminder of what I love about comics.

If you haven’t read it, then get to it, and–as weird as it is to say this after months of waiting for Grist to finally get back to releasing comics–come back next month for more. I’m excited about it, and if you have any love for comics at all, you should be too.

The Next Issue Project: Fantastic Comics #24: It takes a hell of a good comic to be the beat out Jack Staff, The Goon and Suicide Squad for best of the week, but you know what? Fantastic Comics #24 is a hell of a good comic.

It was actually pretty surprising. As excited as I’ve been about this thing–because, you know, Mike Allred drawing Stardust is just too good to pass up–I try not to get my hopes up for anthologies because they’re almost always such a mixed bag in terms of quality. But with this one–and I’m saying this without reading B. Clay Moore’s two-page text piece–every single story is a hoot. I mean, even Ashley Wood, whose work I just outright hate, is able to drop a line that had me laughing out loud, and if that’s not a sign of the fun you can have with this thing, I don’t know what is.

The secret, I think, lies in its perfect fusion of creators and format. For those of you who missed the solicitation, the Next Issue Project is not only about reviving Golden Age characters and titles that have fallen into the public domain (which seems to be the trendy thing to do these days, as evidenced by the fact that Stardust runs into some of the same folks currently featured in Dynamite’s Project Superpowers), but by doing it in the same format as the original stories: Most of ’em clock in at a slim six pages, each one crammed full of fun. Even the size of the book and the ads between the stories are throwbacks to the ’40s, but instead of coming off as mired in nostalgia, writers like Jim Rugg, Brian Maruca and Joe Keatinge take full advantage of it, using the tropes of the era to tell great jokes and highly enjoyable stories.

My favorite of the bunch, though, has to be Andy Kuhn’s “Yank Wilson: Superspy Q4,” and while it’s easy to write off its larger panels and contemporary themes as the least “Golden Agey” of the bunch, the closest comparison I can think of is The Spirit, right down to a spoiled hotel heiress named Berlin Holiday. It’s great stuff, and even at $5.99, it’s 64 pages that you won’t regret picking up.

Now if only I could figure out how to store it…

The Punisher: Force of Nature: Okay, let’s get one thing straight right off the bat here: The Punisher does not fight a giant whale in this issue.

Admittedly, there is a whale (which appears for a grand total of three panels), and the Punisher does ram a speedboat into it (completely by accident), but it’s written as little more than an afterthought, and I’m callin’ shennanigans! Because seriously, with a cover like that and an interior that fails to deliver anything remotely resembling Frank Castle battling to the death against the only animal other than man that kills for revenge, then there is a problem. A problem that can ony be solved by whalefighting.

Salvation Run #4: This, on the other hand, is a comic book that completely delivers on the promise of its cover.

Some of you might recall that I was considering dropping Salvation Run, owing mostly to the fact that it, y’know, doesn’t make any damn sense, but with one issue, Matt Sturges has turned my opinion around. I mean, this thing’s got laser velociraptors on page two, and that’s not even the big deal here! That, of course, would be the scene where a talking gorilla beats another talking gorilla to death with the latter’s lover, a brain in a jar, and the only thing that could possibly make that better is the perfect Chuck Jones punchline that comes at the end. Well done, Sturges and Chen. Well done indeed.

Annnnnnd that’s the week! As always, any questions or comments–or comparisons of the enjoyable Tiny Titans to Chris Giarrusso’s amazing Mini-Marvels–can be left in the comments section below.

As for me, well, No More Heroes just arrived from Amazon, and apparently, that’s a game where you play as an assassin with a laser katana. So don’t be surprised if you don’t see me for a while.