I Swear I Am Not Making This Up

Everything I am about to write is true. No panels have been edited.

The latest issue of Jughead and Friends Digest opens with a story called “Getting His Goat,” credited to long-time Archie writer and Sabrina the Teenage Witch co-creator George Gladir and artist Tim Kennedy.

In the story, Riverdale High School is having a “Pet Day,” where the students are encouraged to bring their pets to school, which will encourage literacy in a way that isn’t exactly made clear. Jughead, of course, wants to bring Hot Dog, but is stuck minding a trio of goats named Amos, Bobby and Donny that were left with him by his uncle, who is apparently a farmer, albeit an irresponsible one.

Rather than just skipping Pet Day, Jughead enlists Archie and Chuck to help out, and after labeling each goat with its initial, they head to the school. Predictably, chaos ensues when the goats spook the dogs and the dogs spook the cats, and all the animals end up trampling the visiting superintendent, who orders Principal Weatherbee to get every last animal out of the school.

And then this happens.



Yes: Since they’ve gotten rid of Goats A, B and D, Weatherbee assumes they missed one, and begins searching for Goat C, as seen in the right half of the story’s last panel:



Meanwhile, on the other side of the panel:



There may be some of you out there who don’t understand why this is kind of a big deal. You are the lucky ones.

For the rest of you, I know. I couldn’t believe it either. This is Archie Comics, the people who make jokes about text messaging that only seem to have the vaguest understanding of what it actually is, and since Gladir’s been working there for at least 47 years, it’s not like he’s a new renegade trying to subvert the system. And yet, there is no way it’s not intentional, especially in the wake of Adam Koford’s Laugh-Out-Loud Cats doing the same joke in 2007.

[EDIT: Actualy, there’s a chance it’s an amazing coincidence. See Chuck’s comment below.]

Either way, I am now freaking out.

46 thoughts on “I Swear I Am Not Making This Up

  1. Are you sure that is actually Principal Weatherbee and not his evil twin, Ben Dover?

  2. I was going to comment on Mrs Sanchez, until I noticed the alt-text. Well played.

  3. How strange, but “Goat C” is an old enough reference now that they might think it’s super hip to drop into their stories.

  4. Well you thought there were some screwed-up Google searches that got people here before…

  5. I’ve heard references to this joke before, but nobody will explain it to me, leaving me wondering what could be so awful that they feel I must be protected from it.

    It can’t be any worse than the ten million jokes where the punchline is “Relax and enjoy it”…

  6. Arynne, it’s an ancient relic that has been passed down for Internet generations. It is the face of horror; the kind of thing that has driven men mad. Seriously: if you don’t know it you REALLY don’t want to find out.

  7. The story is an urban legend about college pranks, so it’s possible they weren’t just going for the reference.

    Huh. Still, that’s an amazingly precise setup!

  8. I honestly can’t imagine who’s Archie’s target audience, who likes both tame slice-of-life comedy and coded references to horrifying jpegs.
    Also, surely having Betty and Veronica go to an understocked foodarium to buy chocolate pudding would be the more current line in this direction.

  9. Dude, has nobody here ever read any Lovecraft? The surest way to make a man pursue forbidden knowledge and drive himself insane is to WARN HIM NOT TO DO IT.

  10. The lack of people that “get it” in these comments is surprising to me. Huh.

    Goatse.cx was only like, the best thing ever. Well, next to Kids in the Sandbox.

  11. Quiet, Jeff. Those of us tainted by the horrors are trying to lure others into its thrall. It’s the circle of life… er… terror.

  12. I suspect it’s just that writing Archie drives you insane sooner or later, and this is the sort of thing that eventually results.

  13. I purchase the occasional Archie digest — usually after flipping through one while I’m in the lineup at the grocery store — but I’m going to have to make a special trip just for this issue.

    If we don’t show the editors what we like by supporting stories like this, then we’ll never get the Miss Beazly as Tubgirl issue we’ve all been waiting for.

    Unless that’s just me.

  14. Hey…remember that one where nobody did the dishes and Betty and Veronica had to share one cup?

  15. I really, really want to believe that this was one big accident. Though the last time I heard the joke about looking for a labeled animal that doesn’t exist, it was a pig and not a goat…

  16. Archie: “Man — what girl WOULDN’T want this cup? The one I give it to’ll be eating out of my hand! But do I give it to Betty…or Veronica? What a stumper! Here I am, two girls, but only one…”

  17. Holy Freaking God.

    In many ways this is more disturbing to me that the original reference. Why isn’t the Punisher stopping this kind of evil from infiltrating Riverdale!?!?!

  18. Given the current Punisher storyline, I think we must look to Microchip as the contaminating factor.

  19. I’m inclined to think the college prank served as editorial cover for the goatse.cx reference. From Chris’s description, there’s no reason why it should have been a goat and not a pig or a calf or a chicken, and no reason it should have been ABCD and not 1234. Besides, if anyone would get the reference, it’d be Archie readers.

    Because everyone knows that only the worst sort of deviants are Archie readers.

  20. This reminds me of the issue where the Riverdale cafeteria had a lot of citrus fruit that was about to bad, so Mr. Weatherbee saves the day by organizing a “lemon party”.

  21. I didn’t know what the hell you guys were talking about so I googled it :-S

    Curiosity not only kills the cat but also makes my eyes bleed. Ignorance truly is bliss.

  22. Can’t there be just one place where these kinds of things aren’t included?

    Inside cultural “jokes” – too much these days.

  23. There’s no need for pity, quietprofanity. (I just realized someone made the same reference like two posts ahead of me. I really should have worked harder on the Tubgirl joke instead, but honestly, I got nothing.)

  24. Oh, the deviants have been sneaking this stuff into Archie for years. Or am I the only one who saw the issue where Reggie mocks Moose for “tossing the salad” in Home Economics?

  25. Is it possible Goat C wandered down to the docks and boarded a steamer headed for Cleveland?

  26. You know, I don’t care how informative or interesting any of the links in the comments are, there’s no way on God’s Good Earth I’m clicking on any one of them.

    Not here, not now, not ever.

  27. The first thing I thought of was the old college prank where people are left looking for a non existant animal.

    I’m, unfortunately, aware of Goatse but that didn’t immediatly come to mind!

    Lol, just shows how tainted we have become in the ‘net age when things like this are suggested!

    Still it gave me a good laugh, especially the last panel :D

  28. You just know that Mrs. Sanchez is a wildcat in the bedroom…yeah, she’s nasty…a dirty girl…dirty, dirty Sanchez.

  29. 0.0

    As my brother would say, the Internet is a haven for the deviant.

    And yes, I’m well aware of the inherent irony of using the Internet in order to decry it, so don’t try anything.


  30. Ah, Goatse, how you bring back the memories. At first, you terrified me. Later, I got used to you, and over time, I think I even got to love you a little.
    I could certainly have my supper while looking at you.

    On another note, I thought the Goatse rap was pretty good.