Someone Is Doing Groper

On one of his spoken word albums, Henry Rollins reads a letter he received from Boris, a fan from the Czech Republic who has a loose, yet truly amazing grasp of the English language. Rollins makes it clear that he’s not trying to pick on the guy for doing his best to get by in a second language, but with phrases like “it is for sucks!,” the letter was just too amazing not to share with the world.

Tonight, a very similar thing happened to me when I checked out my latest Twitter follower and saw what is probably the single best bio on the entire network:

 

 

@UtamaroManga, the official twitter feed of a digital comic site so that you can download it.

And the actual feed is even more amazing. Whoever’s running it offers a polite apology for the difficulty in translation…

 

 

…but seriously? There is no need for forgiveness. In providing multi-part summaries of the various hentai titles available so that you can download it, Group Zero has created something amazing. Something pure. Something… beautiful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Forgive you? No, Group Zero, it is you who should forgive me for ever thinking I could create comedy in this language. You have shown me for the fraud I am.

Also, I’m going to need a copy of Roll Back Knock Out Ecstacy Suplex.

Chris vs. Erotic Fan-Art: This Time, It’s Business

 

 

Hey, remember how you guys really like it when I subject myself to things that leave an searing mark on my soul from which I will never truly recover? Well then, get ready because today, I’ve delved into the senses-shattering world of erotic fanart and brought back ten of… well, not the worst images, but the strangest ones I could show you without getting fired.

Just be glad I didn’t include the Bane/Nightwing one.

Batman XXX, or: The Dark Knight Comes Again

 

 

Today at ComicsAlliance, it’s the most anticipated review of a porn parody of the year when I deliver 1600 hot, throbbing words about Batman XXX!

It is, as you might expect, probably not a review that you want to get caught reading at your workplace, but there’s nothing pornographic about the review itself. There is one picture of Evan Stone and Kimberly Kane in mid-coitus, but their lady-and-gentlemen-bits are cropped out, and CA’s rules against profanity meant that I had yet another opportunity to write the word “shtupping,” which I just do not get to do as much as I’d like.

In any event, I actually did my best to contextualize it and provide a good review. I know, you’re shocked: “Chris Sims? Writing a pseudo-brainy essay about something silly and ultimately inconsequential? ALLOW ME TO RETRIEVE MY MONOCLE!” To which I say “Shut up, jerk.”

I do wonder, though… does this mean I’m one a’ them sex bloggers now?

Comics Alliance: Eleven Dirty Comics by Great Artists

 

 

Head over to the Comics Alliance today for my latest (slightly NSFW) contribution, a gallery of great comics artists who, in addition to their mainstream work, made their mark on the wonderful world of pornography!

There are a couple of my favorites in there–notably Colleen Coover and Phil Foglio–but you might notice that there were a few left out, too, owing to a couple of factors. Laura Hudson added in R. Crumb since my knowledge of underground comix is sketchy at best, and I made a conscious decision to stay away from manga since, while Gunsmith Cats certainly fits the criteria, I’d pretty much be here all day listing creators that broke in with hentai. Yeah, I’m lookin’ at you, Kiyohiko Azuma.

Besides those, though, some of you might be surprised to find that an article about dirty comics omits the ISB’s “favorite” adult comic despite the fact that its creator has pretty much been drawing ridiculously busty naked women since his 77-plus-issue run on Catwoman ended, and the reason for that is simple: I’m honestly not sure if that guy’s crazy or brilliant.

Enjoy! But, uh, probably best to not enjoy at work. Just sayin’.

The Stark, Existential Horror of Tarot #53

Before we get started tonight, a quick word of warning: Tonight’s ISB has what your local cable provider would refer to as “Adult Themes” (and not the good kind), and since I know there are at least a couple of you out there reading while you ought to be working, this might not be the time. In fact, considering that it’s a review of an issue of Tarot you might want to skip it altogether and save yourself some suffering. Seriously, guys: This one’s gonna get bad.

Why not check out Dave Campbell’s new site instead, and then head back here later.

In the meantime, please enjoy this picture of ROM: Spaceknight fighting a bear, and I’ll meet the rest of you after the cut:

 

 

Continue reading

The SuicideGirls™ Annual: Just Don’t Do It!

You know, at first glance, one would think that comic books, which are a primarily visual medium in which the action drives a story to an often-repetitive and predictable climax, would be a natural match with pornography, in which the “action” drives the “story” to an often-repetitive and predictable climax. In practice, though, unless you’re Colleen Coover or Phil Foglio, the combination of the erotic and sequential arts tends to fall somewhere between “flat” and “atrocious.”

Case in point:

 

The Hack Slash/SuicideGirls™ Annual

 

Released a couple of weeks ago to high acclaim from… well, nobody really, this one combines a fictional scantily clad goth girl with a bunch of real-but-fictionalized scantily clad goth girls to create a Möbius strip of pornographic horror that is without question the most exploitative comic book I have ever had in my house. And in case you forgot during my week off, I own a full run of Tarot.

I’ve mentioned my feelings about Hack/Slash before, but in case you missed it, here’s the short version: I’ve given it a shot before and, while I acknowledge that as someone who doesn’t really like horror movies that aren’t about guys named Woody Invincible and Crazy Bee it’s probably just Not For Me, it’s always struck me as a book that can’t figure out whether it wants to be a legitimate horror title or a parody. And as we all know from Mr. Miyagi, walk in middle, sooner or later get squish like grape. Still, I actually do think Tim Seeley’s a pretty good artist, and he’s managed to make a career out of drawing a half-naked punk chick hitting monsters with a baseball bat, so, you know, more power to him. He’s livin’ the dream.

SuicideGirls™, however… Well, since you’re reading this on the Internet, I’m just going to go ahead and assume that you’re already familiar and skip the explanation and get right to the part where I admit that it’s also not my thing. Don’t get me wrong: I can assure you that I like looking at pictures naked girls even more than the next guy, but I don’t feel any particular need to rationalize my enjoyment by billing it as a subculture, and pretending that there’s a connection between me and the naked girl because we both like Iron Maiden is a little too much of buying into the fantasy. And trust me, folks: I read comic books. I know from buying into a fantasy.

So needless to say, the result isn’t exactly chocolate and peanut butter.

The plot goes a little something like this: Tim Seeley woke up one morning and said “You know what? Fuck it, I’m drawing Cassie Hack naked,” and then proceeded to do so with an SG™-style “photoset” in which she’s in a laundromat, stabs a guy, and then strips down to wash her bloodied clothes. And to be fair, it’s pretty well-drawn, despite the fact that most of them are drawings overlaid onto actual photographs of a laundromat for some reason, presumably because “backgrounds” ranked pretty low on the list of priorities with the rest of the non-breast aspects of the picture. Even so, if I wasn’t so sure it was meant to be taken so seriously, it’d be an incredibly accurate riff on the actual SG™ sets, right down to the little story that takes place sequentially.

What? Just because It’s not my thing doesn’t mean I haven’t looked. A guy has to be sure about these things.

Anyway, seems like I’m forgetting something here. Oh, right: There’s also 36 pages of story before that that explains the in-story reason for the set, which is that there’s a supernatural bad guy killing the SuicideGirls™ models, and, as you might expect, Cassie has to go undercover and uncovered in order to lure him out. Ahh. Empowering.

Tonight’s villain is played by Some Dude Named Ian, who has what is quite possibly the best/worst/best again super-villain dialogue of the new Willennium:

 

 

Hey, wait a second! That’s not Some Guy Named Ian! That’s turn-of-the-century Internet humorist/River City Ransom fan Seanbaby!

 

 

If only we had known the horrors that playing Bible Adventures would unleash on the world of alt-porn…

Also, it’s at this point that the factual inaccuracies start to appear:

 

 

PROTIP: Writing about Guitar Wolf will not actually make hot goth girls want to have sex with you. Trust me.

Needless to say, Ian’s a raving maniac who decides to express his creativity through murder, and when he tries it on the above Guitar Wolf fan, he ends up being electrocuted, which has the nasty side effect of transferring his evil soul into a USB drive he’s carrying, I shit you not, that is what happens.

Admittedly, I’m sure the absurdity of it’s completely on purpose, and it’s well in keeping with the slasher flick aesthetic that Seeley’s going for, but for the sequence of events that leads into the comic-book counterparts of actual people getting horrifically murdered, it seems a little weird. Or maybe I just take these things too seriously, which, since we’re 844 words into the post at this point, is the far more likely option.

In any case, before long, it’s Cassie to the rescue, and while she initially balks at stripping for the camera, she comes around after a convincing speech on the nature of personal freedom that’s worthy of later-era Bobby Donnell:

 

 

So convincing, in fact, that this would be adopted as the national ethos of the Hawkmen of Mongo. For an entirely different connotation, however, imagine the exact same speech delivered by a leering Jackie Treehorn.

Of course, needs must when the devil drives, and when there’s a ghost rolling around in Instant Messenger making models kill themselves–because they’re SuicideGirls™, GET IT?!–desperate times call for getting naked. And to make a long story short (too late) it works, and everything eventually works out okay when Cassie’s able to stab the model Ian’s currently possessing right in the tattooed rack, which you’d think would’ve been listed under the “potential negative results” heading in the above speech.

Thus, with the body count capped at a respectable four, the story proper ends with Cassie giving her profits from the photo set to the homeless, because the only thing that’s better than imaginary porn is imaginary charity.

 

 

Oh Hulk Hands. You make everything better!