Category Archives: Archie

How Do You Solve a Problem Like Sandy Sanchez?

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Those of you who don’t religiously follow comics set in Riverdale might be interested to learn that last week’s issue of Jughead’s Double Digest kicked off a “New Look” story where Jughead’s pals attempt to set him up with a girl so that he won’t feel left out on date night.

But there’s a very slight problem.

See, just like the previous New Look story–Betty & Veronica‘s Bad Boy Trouble–“The Matchmakers” introduces a new character as the catalyst for the story, but while the girls got juvenile delinquent Nick St. Clair, Jughead finds himself romantically entangled with Sandy Sanchez.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m all about Archie’s continuing attempts at diversifying Riverdale and she really does seem like a nice girl, and it’s entirely possible that ten years on the internet have given me a filthy, filthy mind, but Sandy Sanchez? Really? Nobody at Archie could think of any reason why that would be a bad idea?

Then again, since the target audience for the Archie books is–at least in theory–still unspoiled by this truly awful world in which we live, this might just be a case of the creators not even bothering to worry about this stuff, and if that’s the case, it opens up a whole new world of storytelling opportunities.

Thus, with a story based around Archie trying to give Jug the ol’ Sandy Sanchez out of the way, I turned to some friends of mine to find out what other stories we can expect from the Riverdale Crew in the future:

 

“Archie and the gang slug it out on the baseball field in a novel-length saga we had to call: THE UPPER-DECKERS.”
—Mark Hale

“Jughead tries to restore a musical instrument he found at the Riverdale dump in a story we just had to call: THE RUSTY TROMBONE.”
—Dr. K

“Archie has been getting saucy letters from Betty or Veronica, but which one? Read on to find out in, THE SNAIL TRAIL!”
—Ken Lowery

“Archie and Jughead learn what life is like for little people in Riverdale in: THE GRUMPY MUNCHKIN.”
—Mark Hale

“Moose is blocking the printer! Archie’s desperately trying to turn in a paper! Will he be able to makes Mrs Grundy Happy when there’s NO REACHAROUND?”
—Kevin Church

“Experiments with electricity give the girls quite a buzz when Dilton shows them THE SHOCKER!”
—Mark Hale

And my own:

“It’s the field hockey championship, but will a rivalry in sports tear a friendship apart? Find out when Betty & Veronica are: TWO GIRLS, ONE CUP!”

 

Thanks, guys. And to the rest of you, I am truly sorry.

Reviews Forthcoming

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Normally, Thursday nights belong to the Week In Ink, but tonight was the special, extra-sized last meeting of the Comics Club, and I’m honestly worn out, so reviews’ll be up tomorrow.

For tonight, please enjoy these, the greatest Archie panels of all time:

 

 

Yes. It’s a saga.

 

 

Update!

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I realize that my schedule for new content’s starting to get downright Campbellian around here, but with the new scanner set to arrive tomorrow, things should be back up and running pretty soon. Until I return, however, feel free to enjoy what is quite possibly the single greatest panel from an Archie comic ever, from a story in this month’s Betty #171 entitled “Happy Ending”:

 

 

Okay, okay, the story’s not actually called “Happy Ending.” It is, however, called “The Treatment,” which is almost as good.

The Lurking Horror of the R/C Dominator!

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I might just be jaded from the amount of comics by Bobs Haney and Kanigher that I read, but it’s been a long while since I’ve seen a comic book cover that’s stopped me dead in my tracks with the sheer amount of insanity pouring off the page.

Until today that is, when I saw this:

 

 

Man. Where do I even begin with this thing?

Okay, first off: I consider myself to be pretty well-versed in the nuances of the Archie Universe, but before I saw this thing, I’d never even heard of Archie’s R/C Racers. And with good reason: Essentially a commercial for the fine products of Japanese model car company Kyosho, whose products are at the center of both the story and the “rad tech tips” from Veronica’s cousin Leroy–yes, Veronica’s Cousin Leroy–the series ran for less than a year.

This was, of course, during the same period of experimentation (read: bat-shit craziness) that brought us the joy of Archie 3000, Jughead’s Time Police, and the phenomenally ridiculous Archie’s Explorers of the Unknown (which, I assure you, is well deserving of a post of its own), but with the constant product placement and a script that totally abandons any attempt to make sense, R/C Racers just ends up being pretty terrible.

The cover, however, is mind-shatteringly awesome. Let’s take it by the numbers:

1. Archie and the gang–complete with matching team jackets–are cowering in abject terror of…

2. A man who claims to be The R/C Dominator despite looking more like Weird Al circa UHF, who is…

3. Flying around by standing on remote control airplanes while

4. Being ridden like a horse by his own mother, who…

5. Apparently loves Ohio.

That, my friends, is a cover that tells a story. What exactly that story means, I have absolutely no idea. But, y’know. There it is.

 

For more information on this and other factory-issued Archie madness, visit your local library. Then, when they’ve kicked you out for asking questions about Pureheart the Powerful, feel free to read up at the greatest Wikipedia entry ever.